00:00Your mum is so fat...
00:08Your mum is so fat!
00:09I need prepping for that.
00:13I actually feel sick from drinking all this.
00:15You've got to warn me.
00:17Your mum is so fat...
00:20Your mum is so fat...
00:22I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
00:27It's so bad! It's so bad!
00:32It's so bad!
00:34That's a fat!
00:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36Who took a picture of my mum?
00:39I went and bought a real Christmas tree.
00:42The bloke selling it asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
00:45I said, no, you sick freak, and put them in the living room.
00:50On the first Christmas morning, the three wise men walk into the manger.
00:54The first one steps in some donkey poo.
00:56He looks at his shoe and shouts, Jesus Christ!
00:59Mary looks up at Joseph and says, that's a better name than Keith.
01:07Keith was my granddad's name.
01:14He's dead.
01:18Oh my god!
01:20Oh my god!
01:22It's on my nose!
01:24I need a towel!
01:26I'm bloody offended now!
01:28I've got his initials on my wrist!
01:32How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
01:34Nothing.
01:35It was on the house.
01:39It was on the house because that's where he parks it.
01:42A man is asked if he has anything Christmassy with him.
01:45He fumbles in a pocket and pulls out some lacy lingerie.
01:48What's that to do with Christmas?
01:49I asked.
01:50He said, they're carols.
01:55You don't get it?
01:59Sorry, how are you trying to communicate right now in humming?
02:02Knock, knock.
02:04Dishes.
02:11Is she Santa Claus? Open up!
02:16How has she done that?
02:18That was the worst of the lot.
02:20That was genuinely the worst of the lot.
02:27Have you heard about Randy the brown-nosed reindeer?
02:33He can fly faster than Rudolph.
02:35He just can't stop as fast.
02:40I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
02:44I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
02:50Did you hear they're releasing a limited edition Christmas tampon?
02:53Bit weird, isn't it?
02:55The string is replaced with tinsel.
02:57It's only for the Christmas period.
03:08Why won't Donald Trump attend Christmas mass at church?
03:12They've got fake pews.
03:18Fake pews!
03:21Fake pews!
03:23Pewes!
03:23Pewes!
03:25Pewes!
03:25Like a church!
03:27Do you both think I said pubes?
03:35Pewes!
03:42Pewes!
03:43What did this man from Yorkshire say when he gave a gift to baby Jesus?
03:49But wait!
03:50There's myrrh!
03:53Why doesn't Santa have kids of his own?
03:56He only comes once a year.
04:02My friend just won the tallest Christmas tree competition.
04:05I thought to myself, how can you top that?
04:10I used to be homeless and I was always worried about the future.
04:14I asked Santa for a house for Christmas.
04:16Now I can finally live in the present.
04:21My mate was always complaining about his receding hairline.
04:25I said to him, you should do turkey mate.
04:26I've seen some great results.
04:28He didn't seem too sure but when he walked in the next day with an afro made of Christmas dinner,
04:32his confidence was back.
04:35Every year, I work my fingers to the bone to afford presents for my kids.
04:40And then that big f*** gets all of the credit.
04:43It's my own fault for marrying her.
04:46What is green, covered with tinsel and says ribbit ribbit.
04:51My dad after the head injury.
04:56Had a right palaver when I got home last night.
04:59Managed to drop the Pringles just as I walked in the door.
05:01All over the floor.
05:03I couldn't be arsed to clean it up and now the kids have traipsed their wet shoes all over it.
05:07It's beginning to look a lot like crisp mush.
05:12Come on, that's a good pun.
05:14That is a good pun.
05:16A while back I was in a hotel lobby and I spotted a couple of chess enthusiasts bragging about past
05:21wins.
05:21They were chestnuts boasting in an open foyer.
05:27I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today.
05:30I think it was from Uncle Ben.
05:33I understand.
05:34That is a good pun.
05:34That is a good pun.
05:34I forgot that.
05:36That's a good pun.
