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00:28Oh, dear.
00:30All over the pavement.
00:31Another load of shit.
00:32A shovel, Granville.
01:13Stop, all right.
01:14Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair.
01:34Did you see him?
01:36Only very briefly.
01:38What's my life?
01:40Beautiful.
01:42One were bigger than the other.
01:46Arkwright, what are you doing, you fool?
01:49Oh, nothing, Milo.
01:50I'm free if you are.
01:58Oh, what are you so staring at?
02:04Hello, Granville.
02:05Hello, Maureen.
02:06Hey.
02:08Say, what can I get you?
02:09I want one of them instant puds for me sister.
02:11She's gone mad on them.
02:13Oh, we'd better put them on the dangerous drugs list then,
02:15haven't we, eh?
02:16Long time no see.
02:18This time last year.
02:20Yeah.
02:20I expect you've been busy.
02:21Not all that busy.
02:24Well, fairly busy.
02:25I've been away for a while.
02:27Not a lot of surprise.
02:30I've often thought about you, Granville.
02:32What?
02:33Any special reason?
02:35Very special reason.
02:36Oh.
02:37Do you remember, uh, Elsie's party?
02:41Hm.
02:42Did I go to Elsie's party?
02:44Oh, come on, Granville.
02:46Don't tell me you don't even remember.
02:48Well, you know what it's like.
02:49Mooring, I mean, the drink was flowing,
02:50three glasses of wine and I'm many bodies.
02:52You were mine at Elsie's party.
02:55We got very close.
02:58Oh.
02:59We must, uh, meet sometime and discuss the future.
03:02Uh-huh.
03:03Choo-choo-choo-choo.
03:04Choo-choo-choo-choo.
03:05Well, what do you think of our Eric, then?
03:12Our Eric?
03:13The baby.
03:15Who do you think he's like?
03:17Kojak.
03:20Look at me, look at me, standing around here.
03:22I've got all, I've got all my ironing to finish.
03:24I think that's what did it, Granville.
03:26The way you'll do anything for a laugh.
03:28Eh?
03:28It's a good job you've got a sense of humour.
03:30I used to say to people,
03:32that Granville, I wonder what he'll be up to next.
03:35Shh, shh, shh, shh.
03:36You shouldn't go around mentioning names like that.
03:39Why ever not?
03:40I've told everybody how you used to make me laugh.
03:43Everybody?
03:43Oh.
03:44Oh, look at you.
03:46And what have you been doing with yourself lately?
03:49I don't know, I've just been trying to think.
03:51I could have sworn it were nothing serious.
03:52Oh, come on.
04:03But what that means to pudding?
04:06This is no time for regrets, Maureen.
04:11OK, Granville, perfect your plot.
04:15Oh!
04:19Do you have to gallop in as if your shirt's on fire?
04:23I didn't know you were working on the door.
04:25Oh, well, I am.
04:27I am.
04:27This doorie, have you made a note of that?
04:29Right.
04:30This one here?
04:31Right.
04:31The one I've just closed with me nose.
04:35What are you doing there, anyway?
04:37Well, apart from bleeding, you mean.
04:38No, no, look, stop making such a fuss.
04:40Let's have a look.
04:40Look, it's all right.
04:41It's a bit red, that's all.
04:43Red?
04:43Come here, let's have a look.
04:45Oh, dear.
04:46You've ruined me chances with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
04:49She'll think I'm a der, I'm a der, der.
04:51So you are.
04:54The what, dirty old man?
04:56I'm trying to say the dipsomaniac.
04:59Let me finish.
05:00You've never had any chances with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
05:03Rubbish.
05:03We're just waiting for her favourable circumstances.
05:06Happier times, like when her mother dies.
05:10Why does the nurse always act as though she can't stand you?
05:13Oh, it's a woman's way, Granville.
05:15You just wouldn't understand, you see.
05:17Well, there you go again.
05:17You shouldn't discourage me from these discussions.
05:20I'd like to ask you all sorts of questions about life.
05:25Like, why are you so mean when it comes to money?
05:28Listen, Granville, just remember that under the British per punitive tax system,
05:32a pound in the pockets were three at the accountant's.
05:36Secondly, could you become a father without noticing it
05:38after three glasses of wine at a party?
05:41No, I could not.
05:43Because I don't ever drink wine at parties.
05:45And if you take my...
05:47What party?
05:48No, no, no, no, don't you mind what party?
05:51It's just a hypothetical question, isn't it, eh?
05:54Where have you been?
05:56I haven't been anywhere.
05:57That you can remember.
05:58That I can remember.
05:59Oh, I've been waiting for this to happen.
06:02I knew it would happen.
06:03I've seen you, my moon in about.
06:05You've been miles away, haven't you?
06:07Well, that's all very well in the shop.
06:08But there are some jobs when it pays to remember what you're doing.
06:41I can't remember what you're doing.
06:42Was it?
06:42No.
06:45Thank God for that.
06:46I'd never have believed you've been such a fool.
06:48You know, if anybody had asked me,
06:50I would have sworn blind that you were still unsoiled.
06:53If anybody had asked me,
06:54I would have sworn blind I was still unsoiled.
06:57If you'd seen the hours I'd spent trying to get soiled and nothing,
07:00then it happens like this when my back's turned.
07:04Can't happen when your back's turned.
07:06That's an anatomical impossibility.
07:10Anyway, spare me the sordid details.
07:13I don't know the details.
07:16I must have been born under an unlucky star.
07:19Yes, it's quite possible.
07:20The night your mother spent in Clayburn's haystack.
07:24Trust me to find that I've been instructed in the pleasures of life
07:27when I wasn't even looking.
07:29Come and hold this door.
07:30Come on.
07:31And if you'll take my advice,
07:33you'll do the right and proper thing.
07:35Oh, I will, sir.
07:36Deny everything vigorously.
07:38You're not putting another bolt on the door.
07:40I know where I should be putting a bolt on.
07:43For the moment, I'm putting it on this door, all right?
07:46You've got 22 on there already.
07:48I don't want the burglars in here again.
07:51Look, I have to open this door every morning.
07:53It's practically my first job.
07:54By the time I've finished, I'm pooped for the rest of the day.
07:57Watch your language, please.
07:59Just because you think you're the phantom parent.
08:02I will not have you throwing your weight about here.
08:06Hey, I've just had an idea.
08:07Tonight, if I set the alarm and wake you up every half hour,
08:10how loud do you think you could bark?
08:17It's funny how you can suddenly ruin your life.
08:21Mind you, I've been trying for ages.
08:24The trouble is, being open all hours,
08:27I don't get out enough.
08:28So when I did get out that night at Elsie's party,
08:31I must have gone mad.
08:34Funny, the only thing I can remember clearly
08:36is playing a few hands in this Monopoly school
08:38that was raging in the Conservatory.
08:41I bought property in Soho.
08:43I should have been warned.
08:46Eat your chips.
08:47Oh, don't want them.
08:49They've gone cold.
08:49Anyway, I've got no appetite.
08:51I feel as though I've got this great big hard lump right in here.
08:55Well, you've eaten your beef burger, now eat your chips.
09:01It's not beef burger, it's guilt.
09:02And as you think, you do feel guilty and all.
09:07Young life wasted because of my ungovernable lust for elderberry wine.
09:12I'm not talking about that.
09:13I'm talking about wasting them lovely chips.
09:15Look at that one there.
09:16That's beautiful.
09:16But here I am suffering from an emotional crisis
09:18and all you can say is eat your chips.
09:21That's the soundest advice you'll ever get for an emotional crisis,
09:24is that there's all them overprivileged society neurotic women
09:28at this very moment lying on psychiatrists.
09:31Lying on what?
09:32Couches.
09:33Let me finish my words, please.
09:37And the best thing for them would be up a plateful of chips.
09:40Well, it never happens in great literature like that,
09:42advice like that, doesn't it?
09:43I mean, you never see Hamlet coming on,
09:45wringing his hands and saying to be or not to be
09:47in a voice bellowing from the wings.
09:48Here, eat your chips.
09:54Oh, dear.
09:55Go, Granville, fetch your cloth.
10:06Well, what are you supposed to be doing now?
10:08I thought I might change my whole personality.
10:12They will if you keep walking into them handlebars.
10:16Listen, would you clean this nameplate here?
10:19Me name's Arkwright, not the Darkwright.
10:21Get it on.
10:22All right, outside.
10:24I can see outside.
10:24It's just in here in the land of the midnight 40-watt bulb.
10:28Well, I believe in saving energy.
10:30Yeah.
10:31I wish you believed in saving mine.
10:33From what I've heard of you lately,
10:34you're not all that fervent about it yourself, are you?
10:37Eh?
10:38I've watched it all happen.
10:39It's more than I did.
10:41I saw it going off the rails.
10:43It all started when we had baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
10:47It's no good.
10:48You know I can't understand Morse code.
10:53I'm trying to say, baby, BBC Two.
10:55That's what I'm trying to say.
10:57Look, there's two ways that a young man can go wrong in this life, Granville.
11:01A crime and a higher education.
11:04And I don't know which is worse.
11:06At least if you're a criminal, I suppose you can get time off for good behaviour.
11:10But with BBC Two...
11:14Well, I've got to change my life.
11:16I mean, I can't stay like this forever, can I?
11:18I mean, how could you look debonair in a flaming pinny?
11:22That's all the way things were going.
11:23When you put them harassing transfers on your cycle clips.
11:29I noticed when Sean Connery packed it in, all the trouble they had finding that new James Bond.
11:34I never heard my name whispered about.
11:37I bet they never said,
11:38Hey, why don't we get Granville?
11:41No, all I ever get is Granville.
11:43Fair, fair, fetch your cloth.
11:46Listen, listen.
11:47Just mount your powerful single-seater gleaming black sinister machine, will you?
11:53Double O-ek.
11:55Get these deliveries off round the town.
11:57Take that biological watsy to Finkel Street.
12:00See if we can aid Mrs Jarvis in her hunt for the ultimate detergent.
12:05I'll wait until it's dark.
12:07Oh, and you better not very loudly at Mrs Hemingway's.
12:10You know how busy she's liable to be, if that decorator's still in.
12:15Oh, if Mrs Ogden gets a bit polite, just watch it.
12:18It means she's trying to get out of pain.
12:20Then when you've done that, hurry back here,
12:23because we've got to make this door burglar-proof and all.
12:44How long have you had a dog?
12:46I've never seen a dog.
12:47There, that's because it moves like a panther.
12:50Keep it in the back in here.
12:52In a den conningly constructed out of her baked bean tins.
12:56The whole floor is strewn with human remains
13:00and send in schoolboy's caps.
13:03Woof, woof, woof, get out, get out.
13:05Woof, woof, get out.
13:08Woof, get out.
13:12What's his name?
13:13What's his name?
13:14I don't know what his name is.
13:15I've never been able to get near enough to read his collar.
13:19You haven't got a dog.
13:21Listen.
13:24Why aren't you at school?
13:26Got chickenpox.
13:27Oh, get out.
13:49I don't need waiting on, Mr Arkwright.
13:52It's my pleasure, Gladys Emanuel.
13:54We all know that.
13:58Tell me, what would you in the medical profession recommend for a love bite?
14:05Your own teeth.
14:33You look like a Japanese fighter pilot.
14:36Where have you been? Cycling around Pearl Harbour again?
14:40Oh, my chain came off and Mrs Ogden kindly let me wash my hands.
14:44Oh, I hope you got the money, did you?
14:45Yes, yes, yes.
14:46Well, come on, let's have the money then.
14:47I've told you, Granville, get it in the till.
14:50You must regard the modern pound nose as a little fish out of water.
14:54Whereupon common human decency demands
14:57that you get it as quickly as you can into this little aquarium here.
15:01You're going to risk that vicious spring clip.
15:04I don't want to look. You just tell me when it's all over.
15:05Oh, don't be daft. You only have to jiggle it a bit.
15:13One of these days, your reactions are going to get slower.
15:16Now, have you any instructions?
15:17Do you want your fingers burying or cremating?
15:20I want them round your ear hole if you don't get something done in this shop.
15:23Now, get there. Get that bike in.
15:29Do you wear the dog? What dog?
15:32Eh?
15:33You don't need a dog. You only need a sign, you see.
15:36It deters and that'll keep the burglars away.
15:39Everybody knows that we haven't got a dog.
15:41Shh! We have, we have.
15:42Woof, woof, woof!
15:45Well, if they want to break in here, that's not going to stop them, is it?
15:48It may make them think twice, yes.
15:50Oh, yes. I can just see them standing out there trembling
15:52and saying to each other, here, Charlie,
15:53don't go in there unless you're going to get mauled by that great big ugly sign.
15:58We'll just have to think of something a bit more convincing, won't we?
16:28Sheer medical poetry.
16:31Coronary emotion.
16:34Has he got any vascular history?
16:38I don't think he's got any O-levels.
16:44What's he think he's doing?
16:46I've got no idea.
16:47He just said he were going out to borrow something.
16:50Not to actually buy anything?
16:52Oh, no. He wasn't upset enough for that.
17:18You can laugh, but I shall be on guard tonight
17:22so you can sleep safe in your bed.
17:26Come to think of it, I might be able to arrange it
17:28so that we can both sleep safe in your bed.
17:38Come in.
17:42Oh, sorry.
17:48Oh.
17:50Oh.
17:51You see me and me hand's still shaking,
17:53but I think I've got the hang of it now.
17:55It knows who's mustered.
17:56You certainly look like it.
17:57Oh, yes.
17:58It's all in that head-hat, all the voice, you know.
18:00Yeah, it was all in yours.
18:02Blind panic.
18:04All right.
18:05Don't crit their city-sizing.
18:10Me who have to risk their life and limb.
18:14Hey, where did you get it?
18:15Kirk Hooper's kennels.
18:17They're looking after it for someone for the weekend.
18:20I feel safer now knowing it's walking about in the shop, you know.
18:24There'll be no-one wandering round the back of my counter now.
18:27Not even me.
18:32What does it eat?
18:33People, I hope.
18:37Flaming my burglars.
18:38Flaming my burglars.
19:2622 pages. Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
19:29Don't forget to tell all your friends about the Arkwright's budget prices
19:33during the opening hours, will you?
19:35And the ferocious wild dog we've got at the back when we're closed.
19:39Thank you very much.
19:40Get down, I've told you that. Get down.
19:42Come on, come on.
19:45Ah, now, Mrs. Brocklesby, is it the usual love?
19:47Yes, it always is, isn't it?
19:49Yes.
19:50There we are, two pints of Extra Strong Exportable
19:53and an ounce of black shag.
19:55There we are.
19:58Now, then, anything for Mr. Brocklesby this evening?
20:02Is he all right for knitting patterns?
20:04Oh, thank you very, very much. Thank you. Goodbye.
20:09You doggy dog.
20:22Good, isn't it? Lifelike.
20:25Hope you haven't rubbed my soul music off.
20:28No, no, that's on the other track.
20:29Anyway, in my young day, when a young man had something on his soul,
20:33he was expected to scrape it off on the edge of the gutter.
20:38I don't know why you didn't keep the dog.
20:40Because it was eating about a cubic yard of dog meat every day.
20:44Have you seen the price of that stuff lately?
20:46It's been cheaper to just let the burglars in once a week to help themselves.
20:50Anyway, look, that's my tape recorder, and I would like it back.
20:53I often feel like playing something in my room.
20:56Yes, what you play in other people's rooms, it worries me.
20:59It's all right for you, but I'm very young to have such a big responsibility.
21:03I'm not even going to consider that remark.
21:05Now, just get outside, will you,
21:07and find that money I dropped on the pavement.
21:10Oh, look, it's pitch dark.
21:12Listen, with inflation the way it is,
21:13it won't be worth looking for
21:14if we don't find it before the morning, will it?
21:19PHONE RINGS
22:02Yeah, well, you'll have to be a bit more awake than that,
22:05won't you, if we're going to catch these burglars?
22:08Yeah, now then.
22:16I'd like to see anyone go get through that in the dark
22:19without getting his conscience pricked.
22:24But there's only the two of us,
22:26and we can't guard it all, can we?
22:28There's not only the shop now to look after,
22:29there's that entire stretch of pavement out there
22:32where you think you might have lost a shilling.
22:34If Roma might have outed,
22:36I know when I've lost a shilling,
22:37my pulse starts to race,
22:39and I have this difficulty in breathing.
22:42Hang on, it's my night off.
22:43I'm not stopping you, am I?
22:44You can go out.
22:45I'm going to do 8 to 12,
22:47and you're going to do to 12 to 8.
22:49You can't be fairer than that, can you?
22:57What happens if you walk in here in the morning
22:59and you find someone hanging there?
23:01Well, I shall make a thorough examination of the body
23:03to see there's nothing of mine in his pockets.
23:10All right.
23:11I'm coming.
23:18She won't have the baby before I get there.
23:22I said I'm...
23:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just passing.
23:34On a ladder?
23:36You haven't seen any money on the pavement, have you,
23:39when you've been going to do a project?
23:41No, I haven't,
23:42and if you climbed up here to ask me that,
23:44do you want a tight bandage round your neck?
23:47Look, you know, I said you were going to sleep safely in your bed.
23:52I was just checking to see you doing it properly.
23:54And you woke me up to ask me.
23:56Well, that's really using your brains.
23:58Look, I'm going to be on patrol here all night.
24:01You great tomfool.
24:04Oh, my goodness.
24:07I just wanted to tell you both that...
24:11If there are any suspicious noises,
24:13it'll only be me breathing a bit heavy.
24:15I suppose you think that's a comfort,
24:18knowing you're creeping about like wee willy-winky.
24:21Get off down and let me get this window closed.
24:24No, no, I've got one alternative plan in mind.
24:26Look, will folk think if they see you with a ladder up here?
24:30That's my alternative plan.
24:31If I brought the ladder in here...
24:33Oh, get out!
24:34Don't!
24:35Oh, oh, oh, oh!
24:37Oh, dear.
24:40You should be ashamed of yourself.
24:42Leaving Granville in that shop if you're really expecting trouble?
24:45He's not in the shop.
24:47He's gone off out.
24:49Well, who's that walking about in there now?
24:54Oh, that'll be...
24:56That's...
25:03Bloody...
25:04Bloody...
25:04Bloody...
25:05Bloody...
25:16Bloody...
25:40Oh, get your Granville!
25:42Come out!
25:46That shilling you lost, it's not behind here either.
25:50Oh, you and all.
25:53Listen, I could have shot you, you know, but point blank.
25:56And that's a terrible place to be wounded.
25:59Then who'd ride the shop bike, eh?
26:01We were only cuddling a bit.
26:03Anyway, look, it's all right.
26:05It turns out that our little Eric is Maureen's sister's little Eric.
26:09She were only looking after him.
26:11I got it all wrong.
26:12So the way I feel at the moment, I don't care if we do get burglars.
26:15Oh, very nice.
26:16Very nice and cosy, isn't it?
26:17Come on outside, both of you.
26:19And don't forget you're on guard tonight at 12 till 8.
26:23Oh, baby, my best ceiling down.
26:33What would have happened if somebody had been up there?
26:35What do you mean up there?
26:36What, on the ceiling?
26:37How many people do we get coming in off the street and sheltering on our ceiling?
26:43I mean upstairs, in the room above.
26:45That's my room above.
26:47They might have got peppered.
26:48We shot.
26:49I'd have to move bloody fast, wouldn't I?
26:53Just fire the gun down here and run upstairs in time to get their shepherd with pot.
26:58What do you mean, shepherd with shot?
27:00I don't know what I mean.
27:01Now, come on, I'll do it, both of you.
27:05I don't think your uncle likes me.
27:08No, it's nothing personal, Maureen.
27:10It's just that he doesn't like everybody.
27:19They all think I'm a grasping old man.
27:22Especially nurse Gladys Emanuel.
27:24She thinks I'd get a grasp hold of anything.
27:28It's quite obvious she thinks I'm unmoved by art or music.
27:33Maybe if I could learn to play something.
27:37Mind you, it's amazing the volume of sound I can produce
27:40just by running one finger lightly up and down her left leg.
27:43I don't know what you mean.