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00:31Granville, fetch your cloth.
00:34The swallows are leaving, Granville,
00:37and they're leaving it all over our window.
00:39Get it off.
01:12There she goes, Granville,
01:14nurse Gladys Emanuel,
01:16with her black bag neatly laundered
01:18and her blouse tightly packed.
01:21Rushing away to someone's bedside?
01:24One day, with any luck, it might be mine.
01:26Let's hope not. She's a midwife.
01:30Come on.
01:31Come on.
01:36Shh!
01:38Shh!
01:54I'll kill that for flaming mouse.
01:58What gets me is, if he can move like that,
02:00well, why hasn't he got a number on his jersey?
02:04He's faster than you are.
02:05Well, I know that, don't I?
02:07But it's no good hanging around here
02:08waiting for a cheese-eating tortoise, is it?
02:11Come on, help me get these tins picked up.
02:14Do you realise it's half past six?
02:17And yet there'll be some silly fools still in bed.
02:19I bet you can't believe it, can you?
02:21Well, they could be down here, you know,
02:22having a ball with all these old tins.
02:25Glation, Granville, just remember that as my nephew,
02:28all these old tins will be yours, you know, when I've gone.
02:31Ah, yes.
02:32But will I be able to withstand the notoriety?
02:35I mean, they'll be nudging each other
02:37when I walk down the street.
02:38Well, they'll be saying,
02:40hi-ho, there he goes. You see him?
02:41Well, you wouldn't believe it to look at him,
02:43but he's rolling in old tins.
02:46See, there's no labels on these tins.
02:47Well, we don't know that, do we?
02:50They might be on the inside.
02:53I like that.
02:54That is ingenious.
02:56Well, it would stop them falling off, wouldn't it,
02:58and finishing up like this with no labels on them.
03:00You know all that stuff,
03:01you've got that rotten orcs, you know,
03:03that fire-damaged stock, isn't it?
03:04The price was right.
03:06How do you know the price was right
03:07if you don't know what's in them?
03:08Because my hand automatically started to bid.
03:12I've got a flair for this sort of work, you know.
03:14When I'm on the threshold of a reasonable profit,
03:17a razor-sharp instinct takes over.
03:20I'm under the control of something powerful,
03:22but primitive.
03:24Like the VAT inspector.
03:27Yeah, I wonder what's in them.
03:29Well, that's the beauty of it, isn't it?
03:30They're full of mysterious promise, aren't they?
03:32They're a bit like Gladys Emanuel's blouse,
03:35you know them.
03:37Only a damn sight easier to open, I can tell you.
03:41Look, don't you worry about what's in them.
03:43Let me worry about what's in them.
03:45I haven't been in this trade all my life
03:47without developing an ear, you know.
03:54Melligatoni and Leek.
04:13Morning, Granville.
04:16Morning, Gloria.
04:18Morning, Gloria.
04:48Herbert Ogden spent a whole week's wages
04:52on a land girl with a wigger like that.
04:54Why?
04:55From Darlington.
04:57All he got were a tip on what to do with his broccoli.
05:03Hey, I hope she's back.
05:06I'll just wander over casually.
05:14You were out early this morning, Gladys Emanuel,
05:18fresh from your lonely warm bed.
05:20I never said it was lonely.
05:21Don't you ever make a wish that you'd wake up one morning
05:25and find a handsome local shopkeeper in it?
05:29No.
05:30Our time is passing us by, you know.
05:33It's no longer springtime.
05:35Why don't we get engaged before we both got a moustache?
05:42Well, I can still look at your legs
05:44without thinking about orthopaedic shoes.
05:47Come on.
05:49Let's strike while the iron's still lukewarm.
05:54I can't get engaged right now.
05:57In half an hour, I've got to go to Charnley Street
05:59and have a baby.
06:01Listen, why don't you come over one night
06:03and rub my chest with Vic?
06:05Eh?
06:06You know, to tell you the truth,
06:08I've been thinking a lot about us two lately.
06:12Not the same as actually doing it, though, is it?
06:18You know, I don't know why some folks say
06:20let the devil take the iron most.
06:22As far as I'm concerned, he can get in the queue.
06:28How can I be sure you really fancy me?
06:30That you're not just trying to stop me order
06:32going to the supermarket round the corner.
06:34I want you to marry me, Gladys Emanuel.
06:38There's nobody appreciates your shape
06:40more than a member of the Gregor Olsson's Federation.
06:44I don't know what it would look like
06:45with a bit of parsley round.
06:49You stop at nothing, will you?
06:52You shower me with gifts.
06:56Last time, it was half a pound of butter,
06:58way past its expiry date.
07:11We were meant for each other.
07:14A man with his hair stutter
07:16needs a big target to make love to.
07:19It's a horrible tongue he's got.
07:22Who cleans the nipples on your windscreen
07:24watches for you?
07:26I do.
07:27Me, devoted heart-right.
07:30Have you no words of encouragement for me at all?
07:33Save me a small brown loaf, unsliced,
07:36and two large tea cakes.
07:39I've got one reservation.
07:42Oh, have you?
07:43What's that?
07:43Well, you have to promise to wear someone
07:45a bit more playful than them.
07:49Get off, you cheeky thing.
07:50They're me mothers.
07:59Yes, she showed me the baby last week.
08:03I don't think it's his.
08:05Oh.
08:05It looks more like him that comes to read the meter.
08:08Well, they're in some very awkward places,
08:11them meters, you know.
08:13He knows his way around.
08:15Oh, I'm sure.
08:16Oh, that reminds me, Mrs. Blewett.
08:18We've got some very good value in tinned food this morning.
08:22What is it?
08:23This one, well, that's a...
08:25It's very good value, Mrs. Blewett.
08:28It's no use to me.
08:30I'm not looking for things I can keep.
08:32Oh, well, that's just as well
08:33with your husband popping off quickly like he did.
08:35We never know when we'll be taken
08:37or whither is our destination.
08:40No, still, I should have thought he'd have had some idea,
08:43him being the shasharabang driver.
08:45I've seen him taken in the fullness and the prime.
08:50Oh, I know.
08:50Well, one minute they're on top of the world
08:52and the next minute there's this awful figure in black.
08:55They're beckoning him towards the breathalyser.
08:59Did you know they buried old Scrooby last Tuesday?
09:02Old Scrooby, old Scrooby, old Scrooby.
09:04Did they?
09:05Oh, I didn't know he died.
09:08Neither did she.
09:09Oh.
09:10He sat there on the settee for three hours staring at her.
09:15He never was very talkative, though, was he?
09:19No, I mean, he wasn't.
09:20I once ran over him on the shop bike,
09:22right across his foot, and he never said a word.
09:24He just hit me with his crutch.
09:27But it wasn't my fault.
09:28Older just came round the corner,
09:29and there he was, trying to strangle this kid.
09:31Oh, yes, he always in a new out-of-command
09:33respecting the young, I'll say that.
09:36And he looks like death across at number 29.
09:39Oh, dear.
09:40They come at nine o'clock on Thursday night
09:42with an ambulance and took him away.
09:44They're all expecting him back,
09:46but I told her.
09:47He looks yellow to me.
09:49That means kidneys.
09:51I wouldn't give you a tumps for his kidneys.
09:54How much is your boiled ham?
09:58Well, it's a bit more expensive than his kidneys.
10:02But it's a bit of choice stuff.
10:04They'll never take that away in an ambulance.
10:06I'll have a quarter.
10:07Right, I think you'll enjoy it, Mrs. Blewett.
10:09Aye, I expect so.
10:11Hey.
10:12Yeah.
10:12And speaking of a bit of choice stuff,
10:15have you seen her round at 87 lately?
10:1887?
10:22Isn't she the one with the, er...
10:25That's the one, yes.
10:26How is that new lodger?
10:28Not as fit as she is.
10:31I wonder how the husband's taking it.
10:33Very infrequently, by the sound of it.
10:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:41Her at 85 said she's heard them playing
10:44Scrabble till gone midnight.
10:46Oh, dear.
10:47Well, there's no good on come of that.
10:48I mean, that sort of thing's bound to finish up
10:50in a four-letter word, isn't it?
10:53Well, I mean, have you ever known her
10:55interested in spelling before?
10:57When she sent me that vicious letter
10:59she spelt nosy in nosy old bag with a Z.
11:02She never did, did.
11:04Hey.
11:06Would you mind not stop taking through my legs, please?
11:12Wasn't there anything else, then, Mrs. Zibley?
11:15Ah, there was a lot, but nothing I could repeat to you.
11:18Oh, oh, I see.
11:19Well, that'll be in 97p, love.
11:22Oh, don't bother about the 3p.
11:24You can know it, me.
11:25Oh, no.
11:31Hey.
11:32Get that in the till quick
11:33before she realises she's been dumb.
11:47I wish you'd put it in.
11:49You know, I'm terrified of that spring clip.
11:53So much for to teach yourself kung fu.
11:5698 weekly parts.
11:58If you ask me, you've got more weekly parts now
12:01than when you started.
12:03Hey, who was that raver
12:05that Mrs. Blewett was on about?
12:06You know, her at number 87.
12:08Now, listen, I don't want you thinking about number 87.
12:11You keep right away from number 87.
12:18His mother said that he died in an accident.
12:22Arthur, I think he just used that as an excuse.
12:25Now, come on, give me that pound note
12:27and let's get it in the till before it fades.
12:32Oh!
12:37Hey, that reminds me,
12:38Jaws is on this week at the audience.
12:40How do, Granville?
12:47How do, Gloria?
12:51Good, Granville, fetch your cloth
12:53and wipe that smile off your face.
13:02You don't know you're born.
13:05Don't know much about what causes it either.
13:09Do you know that things were so hard in my day
13:12that people from Bratford
13:13used to go looking for work in Pakistan?
13:19But what is the point of being on the threshold of life
13:23if you've always got to wear a flaming pinny?
13:25Kids should have less pocket money,
13:26that's what I say.
13:28If I could lure them into the shop a bit more often,
13:30they would have a no.
13:32I mean, look at that Gloria.
13:34She's got no idea what I look like in trousers.
13:38I've never had any of the things
13:39that other young men take for granted.
13:40You better not have have had either.
13:43If I ever catch you ever having have had,
13:46you will be in trouble.
13:47You don't seem to realise it's a grave responsibility.
13:50Having a nephew keeps getting himself emotionally knotted.
13:54Well, what about you and the nurse?
13:55Oh, yes.
13:56You know, if I don't marry her soon,
13:57I shall have to buy a new electric blanket.
14:00Hi-hop, second's out.
14:09The usual, Mr Bristol.
14:15The usual, Mr Bristol.
14:18Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
14:23I'm sorry, I didn't see you come in.
14:25Eh, what do you want, the usual?
14:29I'll have the usual.
14:30Oh, oh, that's unusual.
14:33You usually have something different, don't you?
14:37Right, one dozen.
14:39Oh.
14:58Wouldn't it be easier if you opened an account?
15:18When Wales get home-ruled,
15:20do you think they'll nationalise Clive Jenkins?
15:32Oh, oh, I found one.
15:34That's one of the old ones, isn't it?
15:37Right.
15:42Oh.
15:47There we are, then.
15:51Lovely.
15:52There you go.
15:53Oh, wait a minute here.
15:54Don't go out without your helmet done up.
15:56Your head'll come off here.
15:59There you are.
16:00Eh?
16:00My gloves.
16:01Eh?
16:02My gloves.
16:03Bless you.
16:04Oh, I see, yes.
16:06Well, let go of them, let go of them.
16:08Oh, I've got your strap done up too tight, sorry.
16:11There you are.
16:12Bye-bye.
16:19Well, who was it?
16:21Ruddy Apollo 3, the plastic astronaut.
16:25Oh, that's Mr. Bristow.
16:28Yes, Mr. Br-br-br-bristow, yes.
16:32Hey, haven't you got that tin open yet?
16:35No.
16:38Look, why don't you jiggle it a bit?
16:46Are you sure you know what's in this?
16:48I've told you it's beefy chunks in gravy.
17:05Beefy chunks in gravy.
17:15It's lucky I did something to dice carrots to go with it, isn't it?
17:23What's for pudding?
17:24Cheese and biscuits.
17:35Thirty-five, Lindley Road.
17:37That's eighty-eight.
17:39Eighty-nine.
17:40Eighty-seven.
17:41Eighty-five.
17:42Eighty-seven.
17:44Eighty-seven.
17:48I bet it's all a legend.
17:51I bet she's not really like that.
17:54I bet if I walked through this gate with half a pound of streaky bacon
17:57pretending I'm mistaken in the house for number eighty-five,
18:01I bet I'd be no nearer an understanding of the forces
18:04which govern the human predicament.
18:31Oh, dear, we're wounded again, Winston.
18:34What's she got you doing now?
18:35I'm building another blinking bookcase, aren't I?
18:38Oh, it's a wonderful mind-broadening thing, this second marriage of yours, isn't it?
18:42What do you want, a large or a small?
18:44I'd better have a large.
18:45Yeah.
18:46It's a big bookshelf, is it?
18:47Here you are, then.
18:48Let's have your finger.
18:49Come on.
18:51Oh, dear.
18:51Steady, Tost.
18:52Yeah, well, it's a good job it's not your drinking hand, isn't it?
18:55You must be joking.
18:56Drinking hand?
18:57What practice does that get these days?
18:59When I tell her I feel like a drink, she says, oh, good.
19:02Now, maybe you'll get on with a building cocktail cabinet.
19:05Have you told her you're a mechanical idiot?
19:08She won't listen.
19:10Do you know what she wanted me to do on our honeymoon?
19:12Now, you're not supposed to give away cabinet secrets, are you?
19:14She wanted me to prove how much I loved her
19:17by redoing the bathroom with self-adhesive tiles.
19:20Self-adhesive...
19:20Have you used them?
19:21No.
19:22Now, up till two o'clock, trying to let go of a nightie.
19:27Oh, dear.
19:29Hey, hang on.
19:29You know what you want, don't you?
19:31You want a nice medicinal bottle.
19:33Could you use one?
19:34I could murder one.
19:35There you are, then.
19:36Have a go at that.
19:37You'll like that.
19:39Cheers.
19:39Cheers.
19:40How are you making out with the nurse?
19:42Oh, I'm progressing, you know, progressing.
19:44There was a time when she didn't even bother to ignore me.
19:47But now, only this morning, there she was,
19:50hitting me with a clothes prop.
19:52No.
20:08I've had a bit of an accident.
20:10Yeah, what?
20:11I've dented me front spindle.
20:12Oh, that's a relief.
20:15I thought for the moment you'd damage the bike.
20:20What happened, then?
20:21Oh, I fell in Lindley Road.
20:24Oh, you wouldn't be the first one to do that.
20:26Hey!
20:26I hope you haven't been near that 87.
20:29I was just delivering the goods.
20:31I know.
20:31That's what I'm afraid of, sonny.
20:34I'll get off now.
20:35What do you want for the plaster?
20:364p.
20:37See you again.
20:37Thanks for the drink.
20:38Oh, that's another 14 for the drink.
20:40Aye.
20:41You said have a drink.
20:42Come on.
20:47Hey, there's threatens on that bottle.
20:56Well, what were you doing?
20:58About five miles an hour.
21:00No, I was on me proper side of the road
21:02and some silly idiot had parked a van right in the gutter.
21:06Oh, why, what a stupid place to leave it.
21:08Right in the gutter.
21:10There's lipstick on you.
21:11No.
21:11There's lipstick on you.
21:13You've been to that 87, haven't you?
21:15No.
21:15You have wiped it off at once.
21:17Someone in the shop now.
21:24There, how's that?
21:25Is it all right?
21:25Lovely, yes.
21:26Beautiful.
21:26Hey, what are you doing?
21:27What are you doing?
21:28Shh.
21:28Be quiet.
21:29You've gone mad or something?
21:30Listen, you're a pawn in my dastardly game.
21:33Now sit there.
21:34I've just got to find out.
21:37Hey.
21:37Oh, I'm glad to see you.
21:39I'm very worried about the lad.
21:41He's come off his bike.
21:42What?
21:43Would you come through the back, love?
21:44You're not trying to get me in that back room
21:46under false pretenses, are you?
21:47Oh, now, as if I would.
21:49Come on.
21:50Look, he's got concussion, I think.
21:51Look, there's nothing wrong with it.
21:52I keep telling you.
21:53See, listen.
21:54He's gone all incoherent.
21:56You can't...
21:56Hey, have a look at his leg, would you?
21:59He can't have concussion in his leg.
22:01Look, I keep telling you there is...
22:02Just bite on that if the pain gets unbearable.
22:06He's hardly even grazed.
22:08Well, his legs look very pale to me.
22:11Well, I should think so and all.
22:12The only time I ever go out is when I make a delivery.
22:15As a midwife, I do know how you feel.
22:17Look, get a soak in the bath tonight, love.
22:20You'll be all right.
22:21Don't stroke him.
22:22I hope you haven't come over here to demole him about.
22:26I've come for me loaf and tea cakes.
22:28He's all right.
22:29You look a bit flushed, though.
22:32You should be careful at your age.
22:35You've been going through the change, haven't you?
22:38In the till, I mean.
22:40No, to be honest, you know, it's the top of me leg, to be honest.
22:45I wish you'd have a look at the top of my leg.
22:48I'll do no such thing.
22:49Well, I'll tell you what.
22:50Then I'll have a look at yours, then.
22:53I've got me rounds to make.
22:54He's perfectly all right.
22:56But if you're really worried about him,
22:58you'd better give him 24 hours complete rest.
23:00Hey, a day in bed?
23:03What bliss!
23:03Granville tucked up in bed all day.
23:06Listen, are you deaf?
23:07Go on, answer that bell.
23:09Blimey, talk about the shortest day.
23:13Talking of a day in bed,
23:15why don't you come over on Sunday afternoon
23:17and practise your splints and bandaging, eh?
23:19I'll tell you what I'll do.
23:21I'll give you some cooling powders.
23:23You take two in a bath of cold water.
23:26Listen, I've had enough cooling powders
23:28when I saw what was hanging on your clothesline this morning.
23:31Come on, I demand the plain-on-varnished truth
23:34about your plain-on-varnished underwear.
23:37Oh, get away from me.
23:39I'm glad he's just a little peak.
23:41I promise to stand well back
23:42if you'll just reveal the merest corner, eh?
23:46In an atmosphere of mutual frankness and trust.
23:49Oh, get away!
23:50Oh, no, no, eh?
23:52Oh, no!
24:12If she's national health,
24:13I suppose I'm entitled to a piece of her by Act of Parliament.
24:18I reckon we, we, we, we, we, we could make a go of it
24:21once she stops it in me in the groin.
24:24Oh, what's that little lacy thing she's harning?
24:27Surely she doesn't wear that
24:28on a bear-bear, on a bear-bear,
24:30on a bear-bear, on a bingo night.
24:33Oh, no, I spoke too soon.
24:36She's just, bear-bear, blown her nose on it.
24:41We ought to have a van.
24:42Yeah, well, watch your mouth.
24:44I didn't bring you up to be an atheist about money.
24:48What time are we going to close?
24:50I'm supposed to be meeting Gloria.
24:51Pleasure mad, aren't you, eh?
24:53Pleasure mad, aren't you?
24:54Don't just stand there, grab hold of this,
24:55as they say at number 87.
25:00Right now what?
25:01Well, when I give you the word,
25:02just jiggle it a bit.
25:05That's just the point.
25:06When the time came for me to jiggle it a bit,
25:09I found I hadn't had enough experience.
25:20I think more people should ride bicycles, Granville.
25:30In my young day,
25:31district nurses used to ride bicycles.
25:34Then there was no argument
25:35about where what they were wearing.
25:44What?
25:51I have no complaints, Granville.
25:54Suddenly the world is a brighter place.
25:57Although to the casual passerby,
25:59it might appear that I seem to have me leg fat.
26:02Why don't you just jay-jay-jiggle it a bit?
26:05Are you all right?
26:10Bit of a jolt in the pedals.
26:13I couldn't much improve psychologically.
26:15I was quite overcome by a spirit of patriotism
26:18when I saw that pretty little flag you was waving.
26:24What it is to be mad and middle-aged.
26:27Come indoors and let me have a look at you.
26:29Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
26:30Come on, all right.
26:41It's been a long day.
26:43Now, that's a lot of sky to be a small shopkeeper under.
26:47I wonder if there's a planet up there somewhere
26:49with another Gladys Emanuel on it
26:51saying no repeatedly in a strange tongue.
26:58Hey, oh, that's that Gloria he's got in the carrier.
27:01Well, well, well.
27:03Papassion on pedals.
27:05Squeals on wheels.
27:07At least he'll have something soft to fall on.
27:10Oh, Lord, let him increase in wisdom and experience
27:13without too much pain
27:15or having to come to me for more money.