- 1 hour ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:00I
00:39Oh, and I'll have a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen,
00:44a dozen, a dozen, a dozen, a dozen and walnut.
00:46And don't think that's three dozen I've just opened.
01:00Eeeeeeeeeee!
01:27I can't hear you in the movie.
01:32I don't pay you for not moving.
01:53Hey, never mind the tap-dancing Gene Kelly, get on with it.
01:57I'm having a quiet think.
02:01What's wrong with having a moment's quiet think?
02:04You'll finish up with my blackheads and a greasy complexion.
02:07Do you have to live life at such a pace there is no time for a moment's pause?
02:11A pausing can be dangerous.
02:14Why can't it be dangerous?
02:15Because if I catch you at it, I'll hit you with that brush.
02:17That's right.
02:18The shopkeeper's first commandment, thou shall not be motionless.
02:22I know.
02:23Look, he's pouring with rain outside.
02:24I cannot sweep the pavement today.
02:26Well, then mop it, pop it, mop it.
02:28You don't like getting up in the morning.
02:30That's your trouble.
02:31I don't mind getting up in the morning.
02:33Is this getting up in the middle of the night that worries me?
02:35It's all a question of attitude.
02:38Yeah, I know.
02:38Yours.
02:39You want a gaga, greet the day with a smile, put a bit of energy into it and then make
02:44a
02:44firm resolve to always help somebody every day to suspend a few bop.
02:50Gene Kelly never used to complain when it rained, did he?
02:53No.
02:54Mind you, he had a fair bit of overtime, didn't he, eh?
02:57Debbie Reynolds.
02:58Don't you, I'm back.
03:00What?
03:19Oh, your Engine概.
03:20It's my for many rules.
03:20Oh, Jeder, you're just not going.
03:25Oh, I will.
03:31Oh, my God.
04:25What are you doing?
04:28Stop all this terp-sickery.
04:31Come on in before someone sees you.
04:35You'll be sorry to snap your legs open like that.
04:42Come on in before someone sees you.
04:44Come on in before someone sees you.
04:58Come on in before someone sees you.
05:05Oh, my God.
05:36Why are you throwing raw sausage about, Granville?
05:40Danfoo. I wonder what that was, then.
05:42Well, it was a sausage.
05:44Now it is a sausage with fluff on it.
05:46Look at that.
05:47You can copyright that, you know.
05:49Granville's for fluffy sausages for stuffing sofas.
05:52Thanks.
05:53Silly Danfoo.
05:54Oh, we're just reading where this greatly slimy, creepy, crawly thing came sliding through the door.
05:59Oh, that'll be me and Mr McIntyre for his imbrication.
06:05Do you believe that there is a destiny that shapes our ends?
06:12It's funny you should say that, you know.
06:14It's funny you should say that.
06:15I was just sitting here contemplating my breakfast, wondering whether there was a destiny that shapes our ends.
06:22We must have an opinion.
06:23All right, then, if you want my opinion, I must have stressed that this is only a layman's opinion, mind
06:27you,
06:28but I think if the average man had been responsible for shaping his own end,
06:33then things would have turned out a lot better looking.
06:37I'm being serious.
06:38Look, why do you stuff your head with these creepy stories, Granville?
06:42Because I'm interested in the supernatural.
06:44Oh, so am I. So am I.
06:46I'm interested in things that go by bump in the night.
06:49The trouble is, trying to persuade a nurse Gladys Emanuel to get in.
06:58Don't delay me, Arkwright. I've got patients to see.
07:01You mustn't soil these medicinal hands, my love.
07:05I'm only wiping me windscreen.
07:07Not while I'm here.
07:09No fiancé of mine is going to stoop to menial chores while I'm there present.
07:14Oh. Right, then.
07:17Granville, fetch a clock.
07:20Leave him alone, you slave driver.
07:23I might have known.
07:24He'll dare do it for you.
07:26He won't. He's got quite enough on his plate as it is.
07:29He seems to have time to sit there filling his head with horror stories.
07:35I suppose it's only natural.
07:38It's been living with this monster for years.
07:41Oh, I see.
07:42Well, listen, I can come over and bite your neck for you when your mother's gone to bed.
07:47I'm washing me hair tonight.
07:49What, again?
07:50You washed it last week.
07:52What are you washing it again for?
07:54Going out tomorrow.
07:56Out?
07:58That's right. Out.
08:01Out?
08:01On a Sunday?
08:03Well, don't you get enough excitement during the week
08:05checking on people's bowel movements?
08:09Without gallivanting around on a Sunday.
08:11No need to get so upset.
08:13I'm only going out.
08:15It's not as though I'm doing something really shocking
08:17like asking you for credit.
08:20Where are you going?
08:21Find your own allotment.
08:23Well, that's a nice thing to say to someone who hand-picked your walnut whipples for you.
08:28There's nothing to get hypotence about.
08:31Save your high blood pressure for the inland revenue.
08:33That's a terrible thing to say.
08:35What is it?
08:37Inland revenue.
08:40Here.
08:41Why don't I come with you, eh?
08:44But you wouldn't enjoy it.
08:45It's a sort of medical gathering.
08:47Oh, I've heard about them sorts of gatherings.
08:50Nurses and doctors, all playing doctors and nurses.
08:56You don't want me with you.
08:58That's a trouble, ain't it?
08:59You wouldn't enjoy it.
09:01And I've told you repeatedly,
09:03you're not taking me anywhere till you get a new suit.
09:06Oh, dear.
09:08What's wrong with me suit?
09:10If you want a medical opinion, let's put it this way.
09:12I've seen better things than that on the floors of ambulances.
09:16You're not so miserable.
09:17It was bound to happen.
09:19You need a new suit.
09:20Well, I don't see why.
09:22I'll tell you why.
09:25I'm never again going out with you till you do get a new suit.
09:34When I bought it, it were a new suit.
09:41Granville, in your opinion,
09:42is there any need for me to be wasting a good money on a new suit?
09:46Yes.
09:48Oh, well, if that's your attitude...
09:50Well, you ask me.
09:51Well, I know I ask you, Granville.
09:52I respect your opinion.
09:54Well, all right, then.
09:54But the way I phrased the question,
09:56it was perfectly obvious that you should have said,
09:58no, you don't need a new suit.
10:00Oh, I see.
10:01Well, you do need a new suit.
10:04Who has your opinion?
10:12What?
10:26Lovely child, madam.
10:28Bring him to Bickerdike when he needs his first formal garment.
10:32Lovely little child.
10:42Morning, Arkwright.
10:43Yeah, morning, Bickerdike.
10:44How's shopkeeping?
10:45Oh, they hear no money about.
10:48Enough for a new suit, apparently.
10:49You did ask me to call.
10:51Oh, yes, yes.
10:51I'm looking for something hard-wearing and, well, how can I put it?
10:56Cheap.
10:58You always had a very shrewd business instinct, Bickerdike.
11:02You should go far.
11:03How is the tailoring?
11:05There's no money about.
11:07No.
11:07You see, we're all feeling the squeeze.
11:10And what with this new slimming fad,
11:12I should think the bottom's gone completely from your lady's trousers.
11:15You still knocking off the district nurse?
11:20Are you still knocking off a big discount for cash?
11:24I can do you a good price for the fuller figure.
11:27Oh, how is Mrs. Bickerdike?
11:32Hardworking, conscientious, upright, still as miserable as ever.
11:37What colour did you have in mine?
11:38Well, I usually have my navy, you see.
11:40Usually?
11:41Must be 30 years since you had a new suit, you call that, usually.
11:4547.
11:49Does that feel comfortable?
11:50Yeah, that's fine.
11:51Yeah, but I can't just wear her to tape measure, can I?
11:55What have you got that says rugged and hard-wearing and tough,
11:59apart from Mrs. Bickerdike?
12:01Oh, that woman.
12:0347.
12:04Oh.
12:05And I shall need something with a reinforcement of her back pocket, you know.
12:0947.
12:10Oh.
12:10And it's not that I don't like women.
12:12No.
12:12It's not that if I'm biased.
12:13I can get on with other men's wives.
12:16Not as often as I'd like, maybe.
12:20Oh, 46.
12:21Oh, that makes a change, doesn't it?
12:23What about you and that Mrs. Titer-Titer-Titer-Tater-Soul?
12:26Ah.
12:27Well, she's not getting any younger.
12:30In fact, she's becoming a bit of a nuisance.
12:35What she needs a keep on telling her
12:37is a reconciliation with her husband,
12:39a return to the arms of that patient good man.
12:43But he's dead.
12:44I know.
12:48Enough of other people's problems.
12:50Have a look at these samples.
12:51Oh, no, samples are no good.
12:53I can't wear samples.
12:54I want something I can wear tomorrow.
12:57What? You mean something off peg?
13:00Well, yes, I don't want the peg left in it, do I?
13:02No.
13:03Of course I want something ready to wear.
13:05Well, I'll see if I can find something.
13:09Yes.
13:11Do you know your inside leg?
13:13As well as anybody.
13:17Do you know how long it is?
13:19Yes, it is. Just the right length.
13:20It's exactly which is the floor.
13:23We'll soon find out.
13:34It's all right there, Mrs. Blewett.
13:36It's just the VAT man come for an arm and a leg.
13:40Well, I see what I've got in front.
13:43Oh, I'm going to get a rebate.
13:44Oh, good.
13:47Don't worry, Mrs. Blewett.
13:48It's all right.
13:49It's just my tailor, love.
13:50Measuring you for new trousers, was he?
13:52No, no.
13:53He was just giving me an M.O.T. on the old one.
13:57What can I do you for, Mrs. Blewett?
13:59I'll have half a pound of rice, please, Mr. Artwright.
14:02Half a pound of rice?
14:03Certainly.
14:04Sweet or savoury?
14:06Well, it's for throwing at a wedding.
14:08Oh.
14:10White or brown?
14:12White, I suppose.
14:13Oh, I only ask because we've had quite a few brown weddings here lately.
14:20What's this free gift, Artwright?
14:22Hmm?
14:22It's not like you.
14:24No, well, it's just competition, Mrs. Blewett.
14:27It's a little incentive for the small shopper, you see.
14:30It's just a little handy container in a choice of colours.
14:33What sort of colour would you prefer?
14:34How do I know when I don't know what it is?
14:37Oh, well, allow me to choose it for you, will you?
14:39Now, let me see.
14:40That's half a pound of rice, Mrs. Blewett.
14:42That'll be 16p.
14:45Anything else at all while you're here?
14:47Where's my free gift?
14:48Oh, I've taken the liberty of putting your rice in it.
14:55A brown paint red rice?
14:56Yes, that's right, yes.
14:58Would you prefer a white one to match the rice?
15:01Or perhaps a black one to match the look on your face?
15:04Would you?
15:18Oh, God, me jacket's fast.
15:24Oh, stupid donkey.
15:48Why don't you throw that old suit away if you're going to get a new one?
15:50No, no, I'm going to have it here dry-cleaned and then I'm going to put it away for a
15:54second vest.
15:55Of course, in a perfect world, you know, this suit should be pressed every night underneath nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
16:02Well, I wonder where she's going tomorrow.
16:06I wish you'd have told me.
16:08Gran, but you're not still reading them horror stories.
16:10If my father was Hungarian, do you realise it's just possible that I could be related to Count Dracula?
16:18Oh, dear, dear, dear.
16:20I don't look much like Count Dracula dressed like this, do you all right?
16:24I'm going to fail abysmally as a vampire dressed like this.
16:27Well, you're not tall enough to go around biting people in the neck, are you?
16:32I could carry a stool.
16:35Listen, you could be absolutely world famous, you know, if you were the first little vampire to bite people in
16:40the elbow, couldn't you?
16:42Oh, dear.
16:43Right, right.
16:44Please.
16:45Come on, listen.
16:46Get old Barbicadike to drive his van round the corner and bring the suits in through the back, will you?
16:50I don't want people gawping at us.
16:53Is it all right if I hurt?
16:56Do you reckon he'd let me drive it round, eh?
16:58Well, if he doesn't, bite his elbow.
17:18Oh, no.
17:22Oh, no.
17:28Oh, no.
17:56Here, I'll go, get that down your neck.
17:59That'll settle your nerves.
18:00Thanks.
18:01Oh, you're a pal.
18:03And your nephew's a lunatic.
18:05How was I to know?
18:09Didn't you hear me screaming?
18:11Never heard a thing.
18:11Well, you know why.
18:12I was trying to shout through Harris Tweed.
18:14And me head better than Harris Tweed.
18:17You can smell the peat smoke, you know.
18:19I never heard a thing.
18:20I was just concentrating on my driving.
18:23Me legs were going wobbly at knees.
18:25I only drove it a few yards.
18:27My legs were going in all directions.
18:30Which reminds me, boy, I knew your mother.
18:34Really?
18:35How well did you know me mother?
18:39Oh, quite well.
18:42Well, well, well, well, well.
18:43When I say quite well, I mean hardly at all, really.
18:47You drink your beer, Eli.
18:50Eli?
18:51What's wrong with Eli?
18:54Nothing.
18:57One of me favourite names is Eli.
19:01Don't stand there and go grimacing.
19:03Go and deal with the customers.
19:04What customers?
19:05Well, there's Eli for a start.
19:07He's just bought two beers, 84 people.
19:11How well did he know me mother?
19:13Just to smile and take his money, will you?
19:15That's what she would have done.
19:18I see it's like that, then, is it?
19:20Oh, it's not like that at all.
19:22You know very well that your mother
19:24never used her head for business.
19:26Quite the reverse, in fact.
19:28Hey, Eli, come on, let's have a look
19:30at that gents and natty suit-in of yours.
19:51Gents and natty suit-in of yours.
20:09Hello, Granville, love.
20:11Hello.
20:12I'll take my bread now.
20:13Yeah.
20:14That'll be 54, please.
20:21Haven't you got the right change?
20:23I don't think so.
20:24Sorry, love.
20:26It's all right.
20:27Do you reckon that they can stitch fingers back on these days?
20:31Why don't you get him to slacken that spring?
20:34No, it's all right.
20:35You get used to it.
20:36Oh, is that how the dulcet tones and the worst that is?
20:40I say you've got a couple of nice and squashy ones there, love.
20:46What's he wearing now?
20:48What?
20:48Look, I don't mind you in a strive for a change,
20:51but I'm not being seen with anybody who can hire himself out as a deck chair.
20:55Oh, I'm not going to buy stripes, am I?
20:58I'm just trying this on for size.
21:00Well, excuse me, would you like to try this on for size, please?
21:03Oh, give it here, Deidre.
21:16Nothing to it.
21:17Between that and the bacon slicer, I don't know how you cope round here.
21:20Come on, give us a clue.
21:22Well, where are we going tomorrow, eh?
21:24You mean where am I going?
21:26Oh, I wish you'd let me come with you.
21:28You hear such terrible stories about what happens to women in their lonely places.
21:32Why is it you never hear about what happens to errand boys in lonely places?
21:37I've been assaulted three times seriously in the last few years.
21:40Well, there you are, you see.
21:42And every time it was you.
21:46Get out, mate.
21:47I think I've found something.
21:50Try this.
21:51Oh, now that's a nice change.
21:53Yeah, why, you see, the lady has an eye.
21:55Yeah, that's not all she's got either.
21:57If she get into a struggle with her, she's got a good left hook and all.
22:00Try it on.
22:02I know, when I do try it on, that's when I get the left hook.
22:05There you are.
22:06Slant pocket, single vent, very sporting, yet firmly modelled on the traditional hatkin jacket.
22:12I like that.
22:13Hey.
22:17It's got a slit up the back.
22:19The single vent.
22:21Had you been browsing through society magazines, you would have seen the Duke of Winchester as one just like it.
22:27The Duke of Winchester's got a slit up the back.
22:32For sporting purposes, certainly.
22:36I blame the public schools, you know.
22:40No, it's no good.
22:42As a shopkeeper, I can't walk around with a hatkin slit up the back.
22:46No, I should always be worried about security at the rear of me premises.
22:51Men, they're stubborn at his age.
22:54You can't do a lot with them.
22:55Bit set in their ways.
22:57I have to nurse them, you don't need to tell me.
22:59They're just as bad when they're lying in bed.
23:02I get more trouble from one pair of pyjamas than 15 nighties.
23:05Hey, well, why didn't you put this one out?
23:07Oh, this is lovely.
23:08Look at that.
23:09That's what I could call a suit.
23:10That's your old suit.
23:13Dick.
23:14Oh, yes, it's got their utility mark inside.
23:18Haven't you got something similar to this?
23:20Well, yes, I have.
23:21I didn't think you'd want same again.
23:23Oh, yes, that's what I want.
23:24I'll have exactly the same again.
23:26Oh, look, if you've got a new suit of some description, you can pick me up at two o'clock
23:31tomorrow.
23:32Oh.
23:42Well, what do you think of the new suit, Granville?
23:49Well, you needn't explode with enthusiasm.
23:52If I knew you were going to get all excited, I wouldn't have asked you.
23:56It's like your old suit.
23:58Not entirely.
23:59It looks just like your old suit.
24:00I know, and I'm telling you that it differs in certain particulars.
24:04Oh, yeah, that way.
24:06It's got a...
24:15You know, a...
24:19Zip fly.
24:20Oh, a zip fly.
24:23Oh, well, I'll go to the foot of my sock.
24:27It's not funny.
24:29He hadn't got a single suit on that van with a button fly.
24:33Everybody has zip flies these days.
24:35No wonder it's the age of the microchip.
24:39I am used to having a button fly.
24:42Well, the button flies went out with Queen Victoria.
24:44Well, I'm going out with Nurse Gladys Emanuel.
24:47Different matter entirely.
24:49I know that.
24:50Look, I don't know what you're worried about.
24:51Is it worse, doesn't it?
24:52Well, does it?
24:53Does it?
24:54How can you tell them you to keep trying it?
24:57Oh.
25:00See?
25:01See, I'll keep going out and going...
25:05I've got to.
25:07How else can I reassure myself?
25:09Oh, but Bickerdite should have warned me, you know.
25:11Hey, oh, that reminds me.
25:14What?
25:14How well did Bickerdite know my mother?
25:17Oh, no, not very well at all.
25:18Tailors are a race of her prone to exaggeration.
25:21Comes of sitting cross-legged on hard surfaces for longer periods, you know.
25:36And you know what?
25:38Why are you laughing at all?
25:40Do you laugh?
25:46I know.
25:47You are a little bit wrong.
25:48Ha ha!
25:48Take care.
25:49Take care.
25:50Take care.
25:51Take care.
25:51Oh, I can't help.
25:54Take care.
25:54Take care.
25:56You, you made me buy a new suit for this.
26:00Then you know you needed one.
26:01Not for this.
26:03Well, you would insist on coming.
26:06Well, you made such a secret of it, didn't you?
26:09Well, as a qualified medical person,
26:11I have to approach this sort of fringe medicine with discretion.
26:15But I thought I'd give him a chance to cure me wart.
26:18I've tried everything else.
26:20Your wart?
26:31What are you doing?
26:33Never you mind.
26:38Why don't we go and see what it's like, Doris?
26:41You might have to kneel down.
26:44There really heals people.
26:46No, I don't fancy it.
26:48Not with my back.
26:51Excuse me, but you'll have to excuse me.
26:54Why?
26:54Where are you going?
26:55Yes.
26:57I'll go and get a seat.
26:59Don't worry if you're going.
27:00You'll miss it.
27:00You are a fidget.
27:01I'm sorry, but I have to spend a penny.
27:07You?
27:07Spend a penny?
27:09You're splashing out, aren't you?
27:11I hope to be in a minute, yeah.
27:15You're feeling relaxed.
27:18You're tired.
27:20You want to sleep.
27:23You're going to sleep.
27:26A deep, deep sleep.
27:32Ssss.
27:37Ssss.
27:39Ssss.
27:39Ss.
27:40Ssss.
27:44What is wrong with you?
27:48My psst-psst is stuck
27:52I'm not stuck
27:53You know my psst-psst
27:58I knew I shouldn't have trusted it
28:01I don't suppose his curative powers extend to that
28:05I don't know what you're talking about
28:10Once more
28:13What use now is a trudge
28:16I'm not giving it one to myself
28:24It's cute, I'm the only person to come out looking worse than when he went in
28:29Didn't do him much good, did he?
28:31To say it sometimes works by delayed action
28:44There you are
29:03It's been a tiring day
29:06It's a long walk home with your knees bent
29:10Still she was quite right not to allow me in a Morris Minor in my condition
29:17Trouble is, in spite of recent advances in medical hypnotism
29:22There's still not much anyone can do about healing an open zip
29:28I wonder if I'm still engaged
29:31Or she'll come round
29:34I think I might pop across later and take her mind off her wart
29:41Thank you so much for watching
29:42After all I have entered
29:42I have punched unless I'll have coffee
29:43Thank you
29:48Yeah
30:08I have punchedungen
30:09Thank you