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00:37We need a new brush.
00:38Nonsense.
00:39That's a marvellous old brush, that.
00:41I've had that for 14 years.
00:43That's only had two new heads and three new handles.
00:4893 million miles to the sun.
00:51That's about how many miles this brush has done at all.
00:54When you consider what a tiny speck this planet is
00:57on the cosmic landscape,
00:59isn't it marvellous that the VAT man
01:02can find his way to my shop whenever he feels like it?
01:06You can't fault my double-entry bookkeeping,
01:09but I still view his visits with a sense of 4-4-Boding.
01:134-4-Boding? That's two fours. You mean eight-Boding.
01:18I'm the double-entry talking now.
01:43You know, when old Blue Eyes sings about the wee small hours of the morning,
01:47it's obvious he never worked at a shop.
01:50I know your sort.
01:52If I didn't hear that her few out of bed of a morning,
01:54you'd be lying around there while gone seven.
01:57It's marvellous, isn't it?
01:58When you think of the difference in lifestyle between somebody like me and Frank Sinatra...
02:04Ah, but did he find true happiness?
02:06I don't know, but he had a good look in some interesting places, though, didn't he?
02:11Evergardner.
02:12Evergardner? It's pronounced Avergardner.
02:15We used to say, if you're going to Avergardner,
02:18she's the one to have all of it.
02:21Oh, dear. Mind you, on second thoughts, you know.
02:24I'm still busy with my first thoughts.
02:27Hey, you, before you let your mind wander,
02:29just make sure it's not too weak to be out on its own, will you?
02:34You know, on second thoughts,
02:35I think she would be a kind of a woman who would be very expensive, you know.
02:39Well, she wouldn't be satisfied with a packet of shop tights at cost, would she, eh?
02:44No, not that lady.
02:45She would demand a crippling discount, she would.
02:49Oh, can you see that?
02:52At the thought of the erosion into me profit margin,
02:54me fingers lost all sense of grip, did you know?
02:57Pick them up, would you?
03:00Oh, see, what am I doing with my life, eh?
03:04Groveling around on the floor this time in the morning,
03:06picking up Avergardner's tights.
03:09Don't crease them.
03:10I'm never likely to, am I, eh?
03:12You know, when I think of the tights that's been through my fingers,
03:16it's about time I had one with a leg in it.
03:19Granville, you're always the same you are of a morning,
03:22full of desperate talk.
03:24I reckon it's the fluoride they put in the toothpaste.
03:28I think it's imbalancing your hormones a bit.
03:32Or maybe you're not quite regular enough with your, with your, with your, with your shaving.
03:39My advice to you at times of stress is to always go and, say, spit polish your boots.
03:44Hey, put the kettle on, would you?
03:46All right.
03:48You know, you've been a constant worry to me, Granville,
03:50ever since you first went into Hawaii fronts.
03:52Because the secret of an orderly life, in my opinion,
03:56is to always leave yourself relaxed around the premises.
04:00Here.
04:03Four, three, two, beige.
04:12Dear, now, now, look what you've made me do.
04:15Look at that.
04:16Yeah, I didn't do that.
04:17You did it.
04:18It's gone clean through.
04:19Look, it's got a hole both sides.
04:22That's the worst kind of a hole, you know, both sides.
04:24Look, I just passed them over.
04:26You put them straight on the spike.
04:27You interrupted me rhythm, didn't you, eh?
04:29My filing system.
04:30You might know that anything I've got in me hand at a time like this
04:34goes straight on the spike.
04:36Good job you're not in the medical profession, then, isn't it?
04:40Oh, it's bad enough having the VAT man come in this morning.
04:44Now I've got to try and reduce a pair of tights.
04:47Hey, you can't sell that pair now.
04:50We don't know that, do we?
04:52Until we try, I wish you wouldn't adopt these negative attitudes, Granville.
04:56I don't know where you get it from.
04:58Your mother never said no to anything.
05:01I bet she wouldn't buy a pair of tights with holes in.
05:03Oh, she was always game for a bargain, my sister.
05:07If anyone knew how to get a bit knocked off, she did.
05:12Hey.
05:13Hey, was she a smart dresser?
05:15Oh, yes, she liked her clothes, yeah.
05:18How did she do her hair?
05:20Usually with little bits of grass in the back.
05:23No, you liked her, though, really, didn't you?
05:26She was kind, loving and generous.
05:29No sense at all.
05:31Oh, customer.
05:34Well, is he coming in or isn't he?
05:36The suspense is killing me.
05:38It's amazing, you know, isn't it?
05:39You stock your shop with all kinds of imaginable luxuries
05:43and still they dither on the doorstep.
05:46You'd be amazed at what they do on that doorstep.
05:49I have to sweep it up.
05:53He can't get in.
05:55He can't get in.
05:56You've left a boat.
05:57I don't know, Granville.
05:58Come on, what's the matter with you?
06:00He's gone now.
06:00He's gone.
06:01Go on, get after him.
06:02Go on.
06:03Oh, no, you can't go and grab customers up the street.
06:05You can't if you don't hurry.
06:06Go on, get in there.
06:29Okay, Lieutenant.
06:31This whole area is in a war zone.
06:40I want everybody in this zone down this bunker immediately.
06:45Yeah, sir, I told you it wouldn't be a minute.
06:48What about me bus?
06:49I've got a bus to catch.
06:51All right, sir, don't worry.
06:52I'll get you out in time for that.
06:54There's a quick turnover in this shop.
06:55We don't allow loitering.
06:57I was just standing there at the bus stop.
06:59Now, what is it going to be, cigarettes or tobacco or what, sir?
07:01Half asleep thinking about the wife's bad leg.
07:04Oh, bad leg.
07:05We've got the finest bad leg.
07:06Big department in the area, sir.
07:08Now, where did I put it?
07:09When all of a sudden I feel this hand on me shoulder
07:11and I'm being hauled round the corner into the lair of this mad grocer.
07:15You was hammering on the door, sir.
07:17Who was?
07:17You was.
07:18It wasn't me.
07:19I wouldn't dare.
07:20I've heard things about this place.
07:21Why do you think I tiptoe past this shop every morning?
07:25Oh, dear, we've gone and caught the wrong one here.
07:27You want to be more careful?
07:29I'm sorry, sir, but you see, being in this game as long as I have,
07:32all the male customers start to look alike to me.
07:35Mind you, I'll never forget a wallet.
07:37What are you doing?
07:38Don't worry, sir.
07:38No harm done.
07:39No harm done.
07:40No harm done?
07:41You snatch a bloke from a bus stop.
07:42He's like a hijack.
07:43My God, I thought we were off to Cuba.
07:45Oh, well, I can only apologise, sir, and offer you this small token
07:49in compensation for any inconvenience cause, sir.
07:52What is it?
07:53Well, it says something for the wife's bad leg, sir.
07:55Elasticated bandage.
07:58Oh, that's very decent.
08:00It's a miracle.
08:02It's an ingenious little device, sir.
08:04Can be worn on both legs, though preferably not at the same time.
08:08Otherwise, the good lady might fall flat on her face.
08:11Thank you very much.
08:13Not at all my pleasure, sir.
08:14Sixty-five piece.
08:15You what?
08:17Sixty-five piece.
08:17Surely that's a small amount to pay, sir,
08:20for the ease and comfort of a loved one, eh?
08:23Or even the wife, for that matter, sir.
08:25Would you like some liniment for her?
08:27No, I flame him wooden.
08:28Oh, thank you very much, sir.
08:29There's that.
08:29Get that pound in the till, Granville.
08:31Thirty-five pea chains.
08:32There we are, sir.
08:33One, two, three, and thirty-five.
08:35I think I hear your bus coming, sir.
08:37Step this way, will you?
08:38There we go.
08:39Do call again, won't you, sir?
08:40You must be joking, sir.
08:44Well, you certainly made his day.
08:47A crafty beggar.
08:49He's tiptoeing past the shop every morning.
08:51I bet he'll go right round via Arnold Street in future.
08:54It's your fault, you know.
08:55It's your wireless blaring away.
08:57That's why we don't hear him tiptoeing past.
09:00I could have had him years ago.
09:03And talking of years ago,
09:04are you going to get that pound in the till
09:06or not?
09:06I've earned that one, you know.
09:07Oh, no, no, not the till.
09:09No, it's vicious, that till.
09:10I didn't tackle the till
09:12till I got all my wits about me.
09:13Oh, don't, he said.
09:14No, no, you have come here.
09:16Yeah!
09:34Bye, that's some of you really seeing us
09:37as a supermarket shelf.
09:39Keep your distance, Arkwright
09:41How would you fancy a fun-filled fortnight in a sunny little corner of the room above me shop?
09:49Your old mouth and trousers
09:51Not necessarily in that order
09:55Keep away, don't start grappling in the street
09:59All right, they all know we're going to be married
10:02Not all invited to the dress rehearsal
10:07Well, what would you take for a swollen chest?
10:10More than you'd pay
10:15If you really want to make yourself useful, my washing machine's on the blink
10:19I've rang for the engineer
10:21Oh, yeah, you don't need an engineer
10:23I can pop round later with me bear, with me bear
10:26You needn't pop round with your bear or anything
10:29With me bear, with me bear's tool kit
10:32I wish you'd let me finish sometime
10:34Look, the best thing you can do is let me borrow your washer if I need it
10:37Ah, well
10:39What do you mean?
10:40Ah, well, I'll pay for the electricity
10:42No, it's not that
10:43You must be slipping, Arkwright
10:46I can't charge you for the electricity
10:50That's very flattering coming from you
10:52Who's getting soft in his old age?
10:55Why can't you charge me for the electricity?
10:58Because me, my washing machine's not electric
11:05Tide, old devil
11:07What kind of appliances have you got in here?
11:10Oh, I've got...
11:12Oh, dear
11:13Hey, what's up with the nurse?
11:15Oh, you've noticed, have you?
11:17She's not in a playful mood this morning
11:20Isn't it typical, eh?
11:21The first time I get her inside my private quarters
11:24She turns out not to be in a playful mood
11:27Oh, well, what can I give her?
11:29What have I got to tempt her with?
11:31Well, I don't know
11:32How much are you prepared to spend?
11:33Oh, practically anything
11:34Practically anything
11:35Under a pound
11:38Well, I mean, it's not the money that counts
11:39It's the thought, isn't it?
11:41How come you never think of anything worth more than a pound?
11:44Honestly
11:45Honestly, I'd lavish any amount of gifts
11:47On any female person I was engaged to
11:49She could have the lot if I had the wherewithal
11:51Hey, you keep your wherewithal in your pocket, you
11:55I've seen you sneaking out of an evening
11:57Covered in solid brilliantine
11:59Looking for somewhere to lose your wherewithal
12:02Look at me
12:03I'm stuck here slicing bacon
12:06And me life is trickling away
12:09I don't suppose I shall ever be sighted in a divorce case
12:12You'll be short-sighted if you are
12:15You know, I'll lie awake at night
12:16Wondering what WX really means in practical terms
12:19You won't let me air grow
12:21I've never worn an earring
12:23I suppose the only way I'll get grass stains on my jeans
12:26Is by watching Flaming Cricket
12:28I thought you liked the cricket
12:30Yeah, not as much as girls
12:32No, I used to like cricket
12:33Before I went swimming and saw Deirdre Watson's navel
12:38That were a revelation to me, that was
12:40I've never seen anything quite as beautiful
12:43I never realised that somebody could fall in love
12:45With somebody else's navel
12:48I was thinking about it all the time
12:49They were giving me artificial respiration
12:53Here, I've got it
12:54This is just the thing
12:54Here, look
12:55A pair of tights
12:56What woman would say no to an extra pair of tights?
12:59That's the pair you stuck on the spine
13:01Shh!
13:02Keep your voice down
13:03Well, they've got a hole in
13:04We don't know they've got a hole in, do we?
13:08However, if she gets them on
13:09And she finds they have got a hole in
13:10I'm willing to re-examine the entire situation
13:14Just my look of its round of flaming ankle
13:18Oh, hello, my love
13:20Don't you love me?
13:21Oh, that's a terrible standing order
13:23To give an engaged person
13:24I must be mad getting tied up with you
13:27If you think you're marrying me into a kitchen like that
13:29You've got another thing coming
13:30Oh, what's wrong with me kitchen?
13:33Look at him
13:34He doesn't even know
13:35It's like the Black Museum in there
13:37You haven't a modern appliance in the place
13:39There's the g-g-g-g-gas-peep-peep-poker
13:43Oh, my God
13:44In the age of the microchip
13:46Arkwright's still running on steam
13:48Listen, you'd better marry me, Gladys Emanuel
13:50Before I run out of steam
13:52I'm not marrying you, Arkwright
13:54Till you drag this place into the 20th century
13:57How do you manage to do your laundry every week
13:59With clapped-out stuff like that?
14:00Well, it's easy
14:01How can it be easy?
14:03He does it
14:05Oh, the poor lad
14:06You must be a blight on his adolescence
14:09Hey
14:11Granville, come out of there at once
14:13You leave him alone
14:15Alone? He's not alone, is he?
14:16He's got two friends in there with him, hasn't he?
14:18Ah, poor lad
14:20Look, he'll be going dizzy with pleasure in there
14:22Come on
14:23I'm not sure he can breathe
14:24I can breathe, I can breathe
14:27Well, Daddy, don't talk with your mouth full
14:29Come on now
14:30Listen, oh, look
14:31He's gone all unnecessary around the jeans
14:33Now, look
14:34I've got patience to see
14:36But by the time I get back here, Arkwright
14:38I want to see a brand new washing machine in that kitchen
14:41Er, er, er, brand new?
14:43Brand new
14:44None of your tatty old bargains
14:46And a spin dryer
14:47A spin dryer?
14:48Oh
14:48No, I can't do that today
14:51I've got the VAT man coming
14:53And tomorrow I'll be washing my hair
14:56Oh, dear, dear
14:57If it's not with one thing, it's another
14:59And how much is a new washing machine?
15:02You don't know
15:02I'm not surprised going round with your head stuck in people's bosoms
15:06I put it, help it
15:08It doesn't need any help, does it?
15:10It's doing perfectly well on its own, thank you very much
15:13That bosom is between the tattoo of it
15:15Oh, look
15:16Oh, look at that
15:19There's something vaguely clinical, isn't there, about a state registered leg
15:23Climbing into a Morris Minor
15:25Oh, Greg Granville
15:26Fetch your cloth, will you?
15:29Oh
15:57Oh, look at that
16:00Oh, my God.
16:36Oh, my God.
17:08Take your time, Mavis.
17:10We can't rush a decision like this.
17:13Large loaf or small?
17:19I'll have a large sliced loaf.
17:21Large sliced loaf.
17:25No.
17:27No, I'll take a small one.
17:30That'll do nicely for us two.
17:33Unless his mother comes at supper time.
17:37And before we've decided over what's for tea, it already is supper time.
17:42It's the same at our house, Mr. Arkwright.
17:44Oh, really?
17:45I'll have a tin of beans.
17:47Tin of beans.
17:48Right.
17:49Ah.
17:50Now then.
17:54Large or small?
17:58Haven't you anything in between?
18:01Only a couple of thumbs at the moment.
18:05Small.
18:07That'll be 41p.
18:09There we are.
18:10A large loaf and a tin of beans.
18:12You certainly know how to plan a meal, Mavis.
18:15Thank you very much indeed.
18:16Now, there's nine.
18:17There we are.
18:18Oh!
18:18Here comes our friendly neighbourhood VAT man.
18:21Excuse me, Mavis.
18:23Ah.
18:24Good morning, sir.
18:26Damn dogs.
18:27Oh, dear, dear, dear.
18:29You certainly seem to have got you for 15% of that lot.
18:37Is it off?
18:38Well, it doesn't smell too fresh to me.
18:42It ought to be kept on a leash.
18:44Oh, that's what I always say.
18:45Yes, and the dog, too, preferably.
18:47Why don't you go through to the warehouse, Mr O'Reilly,
18:50and I'll come and see you later.
18:52Right, Mavis, I shall just leave you there,
18:54deciding whether or not to leave the shop, all right?
18:59Right, here we are, Mr O'Connor.
19:01There we are.
19:02Snug as a bug in a rug here.
19:04Mind you, I wouldn't stay here very long if I were you, all right?
19:08Well, we have our job to do.
19:09Oh, yes, I understand that.
19:11I only mention that on account of the mice, you see.
19:14Mice?
19:14Yeah.
19:14You've got mice?
19:16Well, not officially.
19:18No, I can't show you a receipt for them.
19:21And from time to time, a little grey chap pokes his head out from under that case there.
19:26Little?
19:27How little?
19:29Teeth like an alligator.
19:33Oh, dear, dear, dear.
19:39I'd like to have known my father.
19:41Yes.
19:42So would your mother.
19:46You'd have thought with her being your sister that she might have told you something about him.
19:50Look at the price of this one.
19:53God, he's terrible, is that?
19:56But with my young day, I could have bought a hell of a washerwoman for that.
20:00A big one.
20:03I wonder how tall my father was.
20:06Do you think he was Hungarian?
20:08Well, there were quite a few about at the time, you know.
20:11And among your mother's last effects, I did stumble across a jar of paprika.
20:16I always see him with a moustache.
20:18No, no, that was your mother.
20:21Mind you, I'll say one thing about her.
20:24She certainly knew how to enjoy life without a flaming washing machine.
20:28Look at the price.
20:29That's £222 to £222 to £222 for me.
20:37I'm not paying that.
20:39I can't even say it.
20:42You'll have to get one.
20:45The nurse will be watching.
20:49Listen, stay here and look after the shop, will you?
20:52And keep your eye on that VAT man.
20:55If he starts asking any nasty questions, just say you no comprendi.
21:00Tell him your father was a Hungarian.
21:02Hey, do you think he was?
21:04Well, he certainly dropped a goulash with your mother, didn't he?
21:22I thought it was you, Arkwright.
21:26It's me, me Neville.
21:27Just window shopping, are you?
21:29I am at these prices.
21:32You're a hard man to bargain with, Arkwright.
21:34You can't win them all, Neville.
21:37Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
21:38I'll give you a pound in your hand, just to take your custom to another shop.
21:43Oh, Neville, where's your sense of adventure?
21:46I am looking for a new washing machine.
21:49A new one?
21:50You and I?
21:51Big and glossy and new.
21:54To be delivered immediately.
21:56Oh, well, in that case, come inside.
21:59Come inside.
22:02To be delivered immediately?
22:04Aye, immediately.
22:05Only delivered, mind.
22:07You needn't think I'm going to buy one at this sort of moment.
22:10I might have known.
22:12I just want it delivered, you see, in full view of the street.
22:16We take it in carefully through the shop door,
22:18and then we'll whip it out through the back.
22:20We'll sneak round the side and then pick it up again.
22:23In return for which,
22:25I'm about to undertake something more modest in the recondition line.
22:31What?
22:33A second-hand one, you care custard.
22:40Hey, what are you doing?
22:41Shh, keep your voice down.
22:43It's a little device I've got for the V.A.T. man.
22:46If I give a sharp tug on this string,
22:48something runs over his foot.
22:51Unfortunately, it's not a lorry, but he'll have to do.
22:54So what are you sitting there for?
22:55You're supposed to be watching out for Neville.
22:57We shall miss the nurse if you don't.
22:59Go and get out there.
23:00Oh, boy.
23:05Ah!
23:12Isn't there somewhere else I can work?
23:15What about the carpet department at Lewis's?
23:18Look, I've got a job to do here.
23:20Oh, well, you're in the best place there, old lad, you know.
23:23It's a veritable little snug in there.
23:26Something ran over my foot.
23:28Oh, well, that'll be Granville on the shop bike.
23:30He's a speed man.
23:32It was a mouse.
23:33It felt like a mouse.
23:34Oh, really?
23:35But what colour?
23:37I don't know what colour.
23:38What difference does it make?
23:40You'll soon find out if it's that little grey beggar, I'll tell you.
23:44Mind you, if it's one of the brown ones, it'll be all right.
23:47One of the brown ones?
23:48How many have you got?
23:50Well, I don't know exactly.
23:52I didn't realise I've got to itemise things as finely as that.
23:56I hope Neville's coming.
23:58I hope Neville's coming.
24:01Oh.
24:03You're 32 early, Neville.
24:05She's not back yet.
24:06Go around the block again.
24:07Go on.
24:14Well, where's that woman got to?
24:16What's the time?
24:18Ah.
24:20Look at that.
24:21Ah.
24:31Oh, my God.
25:19Listen, get down to Neville, up to Neville, go and get it, we did the lorry.
25:33Oh.
25:35Oh.
25:35Oh.
25:44Oh.
25:51Oh.
26:05Oh.
26:08Oh.
26:09Oh.
26:12Oh.
26:15Oh.
26:23Oh.
26:25Oh.
26:28Oh.
26:30Oh.
26:32Oh.
26:33You splashed out, haven't you?
26:35It's me, me, me, new appliance.
26:37Listen, if you left your window open later on,
26:40I could probably pop up the ladder.
26:41No, you couldn't.
26:42And we could come to some arrangement about me old appliance.
26:46That old thing, what makes you think that's of any earthly use?
26:49The best thing you can do with that is paint it a suitable colour
26:52and stick a plant in it.
27:01Oh, sorry, back now, to me now again.
27:04Right, right, right.
27:06Look, I can't keep on being interrupted like this.
27:08No, we haven't quite finished yet, Mr O'Connor.
27:10We've got to take it out again.
27:12Out again?
27:12Yes, out again, yes. Excuse me, lads.
27:14Come on, straight out the back door now.
27:16Go on.
27:17Listen, as soon as you've dumped that, get in the real stuff, will you?
27:20Yes, I've put a good strong motor in the spin dryer.
27:24It vibrates a bit, but if you lean on it, it'll be all right.
27:28That's what I'm always telling Granville.
27:35How's it going, Granville?
27:37Water's hot.
27:38I'm going to switch it on now.
27:39Right.
27:47Well, that doesn't sound too bad, does it?
27:51Why don't you try the spin dryer now?
27:53Yeah, spin dryer.
27:55Spin dryer, right.
27:57Er, when I go down, I forgot it already.λε
28:16my lord. What's
28:18all that now? Well,
28:20that's the new's the spin dryer. New?
28:24Well,
28:25yes. And...
28:36It's no good, it's not worth it
28:38Everything's getting knotted
28:40And that goes for you, too
28:50I'm getting low on firelighters
28:53But then what can you expect at my age?
28:58I wonder if our Granville is Hungarian
29:03That was some weird language he was muttering
29:05Whilst fumbling with the knots in his best shirt
29:10They don't know they're born
29:13At his age, I never had a best shirt
29:18People used to live two or three to a shirt in them days
29:26Let's do it
29:30I don't know how Tiger I mean
29:30I can paint my hair
29:30hugs for ten
29:31I don't know how I can
29:32Do the welcome