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00:41I'll do, Granville.
00:43Ha!
00:51You're losing all control over them legs of yours, aren't you?
00:55I sometimes think you've got more legs than are good for you.
01:11Oh, it's a nice, fresh morning.
01:13Going to be a fine day for spending your money with private shopkeepers.
01:19Oh, is there something you've forgotten?
01:20Is there something else you wish to have a bar?
01:22Oh, no, no.
01:23No, I don't rush these decisions.
01:25Take your time. Have a wander around the store, sir.
01:27No, no, I'm not worth your bother, Mr. Arkwright.
01:30Right. You've only left me enough money for my bus fare.
01:33Oh, in the old days, I'd have had that and all, you know.
01:36Still, we all grow more mellow with time, don't we?
01:39I think you're a marvel, Mr. Arkwright.
01:42I still don't know how you managed to sell me these cigarettes.
01:45Oh, I know they're a new line,
01:46but I think you'll finish up by preferring them to your usual brand.
01:51I haven't got a usual brand.
01:53Then you're just the customer we're looking for, sir.
01:56A customer with an open mind and above a pocket to match.
01:59You can smoke those with impunity.
02:02They are low to ta-ta, you see.
02:04I don't smoke, Mr. Arkwright.
02:07Oh, well, you're just the chap they're designed for.
02:10I mean, they are practically identical with not smoking them.
02:13I mean, now, I'm a non-smoker myself, but I smoke them.
02:16I find it gives you something to do with your hands, you know.
02:20And talking of something to do with your hands,
02:22have you seen a nurse Gladys' car outside?
02:26I know...
02:38Hey, close your mouth.
02:39There's a double-decker bed.
02:40There's a double-decker bed.
02:41There's a double-decker bed.
02:43There's a double-decker bed.
02:44Oh, don't bother.
02:44It'll have gone me.
02:49But there'll be another one along in a minute.
02:53I bet Robert Redford's not up and about at this time of the day.
02:57Robert Redford needs all this asleep he can get.
02:59When am I going to start burning the candle at both ends?
03:03There are some ends here, Granville,
03:05where the last thing you want is a blister.
03:10Have you got everything on there?
03:12Can't get any more on.
03:13I won't be able to move it.
03:14I know.
03:14Well, you've made that by bicycle too heavy, sticking all them her transfers on it.
03:19You won't let me have a sports car, will you, eh?
03:21Oh, I remember all too painfully what happened to your mother in a sports car.
03:26And in the back of a lorry.
03:29Now, come on.
03:30The sooner you get back, the sooner we can have us breakfast.
03:33Half this lot won't be up yet.
03:35The lucky ones will have just gone to bed.
03:37No one should be lying in bed this time of day.
03:39You couldn't pay me to lie in bed this time of day.
03:42All right, then.
03:43Let me pay you to let me lie in bed this time of day.
03:45That's all right.
03:46You can pay me for that little edged Twinkie bar.
03:48Come on, 11p.
03:49Come on.
03:50Oh, well.
03:52I never get a chance to have a lie in, do I, eh?
03:55You're just the same as your mother was.
03:57Happiness is a horizontal.
04:02Why are you always so rude about your own sister?
04:05Now, don't misunderstand me.
04:06Some people have loved her dearly.
04:09Others used to get it on discount.
04:11Oh, no, no.
04:12That's only a joke.
04:14It's only a joke.
04:15Her one fault, maybe, was that she was inclined to be a little over-friendly.
04:19If you didn't like her, why'd you keep her photographing, eh?
04:23I never said I didn't like her.
04:25No, she always had her ready smile, and she certainly enjoyed life.
04:31Did you get on well together?
04:32Oh, yes.
04:33We got on fine together.
04:35She always used to wave to me when she went past in a gentleman's car.
04:39Sometimes with both feet.
04:45Here, what are you eating, by the way?
04:47Nothing, nothing.
04:48I'm just standing here chewing the fat with you.
04:50Come on.
04:50Look at that.
04:51Don't you want it?
04:52I'll have it.
04:52Go on.
04:54Come on.
04:55Get into this saddle, Wyatt Earp, and my mosey off down the riot ground.
04:59Go on.
04:59And don't hang about chucking pebbles in the canal.
05:02Go on, out.
05:07There are too many boxes.
05:09I can't see.
05:10Go on with you.
05:12You'll be all right.
05:13You should know every inch of the way by now.
05:16Well, you ought to be able to do it in the day-a-day dark.
05:20I'm doing it in the day-a-day dark.
05:23All day, all day, my legs are going like a sewing machine.
05:26Well, then maybe it's time you change your bobbin, eh?
05:31And they're going to be able to do it in the day-a-day dark.
05:32That's what you're doing.
05:32It's time you have to be able to do it in the day-a-day dark.
05:32Hang on.
05:47Hang on.
05:48Oh, quick. I'm all right.
05:52You're going to kill this lad, Arkwright.
05:54I am if he's been brought in any eggs.
06:00There you are, love. How's that?
06:04Great.
06:05Does it hurt?
06:07No. What really hurts is never knowing your own mother.
06:11Oh, you poor love.
06:14Did you know me mother?
06:17Well, we weren't close. She was older than me.
06:21Yeah, but you must have seen her.
06:22Yes. And you were by sight.
06:25What was she like?
06:28She had very striking earrings.
06:31Is your other leg all right?
06:33Yes, me other leg's great.
06:35He works you too hard.
06:37I know. My only consolation is that working helps you to forget that you're an orphan.
06:42Oh, Granville.
06:54Hey, what kind of a treatment is that for a bad leg?
06:58You load him too much stuff on that bike.
07:00Look, he scratches his knee a bit. Next thing I see, he's having his eggs a-squeezed.
07:05He needs a bit of comfort.
07:09Here, can't you agree without nodding?
07:12No.
07:15It's dangerous for him on that bike.
07:18It's a bit risky in there with them two, aren't you?
07:21You've no right sending him out on these dark mornings loaded up like that, half asleep.
07:27Look, I send him out when I think there's a very little traffic.
07:31I'm traffic. I was half asleep myself.
07:34I've been up all night sitting by the bedside of some poor old man.
07:37Oh, how come you never sit by the bedside of this poor old man?
07:42Because you're not a poor old man. You're a tight-fisted old man.
07:46That's true.
07:47That's true.
07:47Oh, me?
07:48Yes, you.
07:49And if you don't start loosening up a bit spending-wise, Arprite, you're never going to find me anywhere near
07:54your bedside.
07:56That's a terrible thing to say to an engaged person.
07:59You're going to find yourself disengaged if I don't see some evidence that you're going to start expanding this ratty
08:05old business.
08:07Ratty old business?
08:09Well, nobody's marrying me into this sordid little empire.
08:12If only you'd ploughed a bit more back in, you could have had a row of shops by now.
08:17I'm looking for a bit of comfort in my old age, and until I see some signs of it, I'm
08:22keeping my bedside to myself.
08:25I think she means it.
08:27I mean it.
08:29Listen, if it's any interest, my plans for the further expansion are already on the Deadhead drawing board.
08:36Eh?
08:36What plans?
08:37Shut your head.
08:40I'll think of something.
08:47Careful, careful.
08:48I'm being careful. I'm always careful.
08:51Ever since I've been a boy, I've been nothing but careful.
08:53At my age, it's excitement you're supposed to be looking for.
08:56Never mind that. Lower your end.
08:59It's the story of my life.
09:03There we are. Look at that. That's beautiful, is that?
09:06Ought to be at that price per letter.
09:08Good job the older sign writer didn't stutter.
09:11Hey, I want a nurse Gladys to see all this. I want her to know how much her money weighs
09:17her spending.
09:18It's not only the new sign, it's the van as well, isn't it?
09:20I mean, this is setting us back quite a pretty penny, both of us, you know.
09:25Us? Both? How come it's costing me money?
09:28Well, you're part of the managerial team on this new enterprise, aren't you?
09:32Do I look like part of the managerial team?
09:35If I am part of the managerial team, why am I dressed like an errand lad?
09:39Oh, think yourself lucky, Granville. Dressed like that, you are totally irresistible to rich, spoiled women.
09:46Where am I going to find any rich, spoiled women round here?
09:49Oh, Granville, they don't leave everything to me.
09:53I've given you a start in life. At least I've dressed you so you're ready for it when it comes.
09:59Hey, here's the nurse about. Can you see her curtain twitching?
10:02For my extensive experience of women, I wouldn't know a tear twitch if I saw one.
10:07Listen, we'll put the sign out in front of the shop like that, where she can see it.
10:11I'll go and give her a knock. You get in the van.
10:14When I give you the whistle, drive it round the corner like a bird bat out of her harrogate.
10:25Are you ready?
10:26No, wait till I give you the whistle.
10:29Right.
10:35Got the keys.
10:39Don't pick a creep up behind people like that.
10:42I've had me nose in the letterbox now.
10:45You're not supposed to pop up behind people.
10:49I need the keys to the van.
10:51Oh, all right.
10:52Oh.
11:03What are you ringing that for?
11:06That's for night emergencies.
11:08Well, I'm all for them meself.
11:09What are you doing, ringing bells and squinting through me letterbox?
11:13I've got something to show you.
11:15You must see this.
11:17Through a letterbox? You must be joking.
11:19Oh, I'm trying to stand here bandying words with you. I'm feeding me mother.
11:23Oh.
11:24There's something big and hungry, I hope.
11:28Come here.
11:29Get your foot out of the door.
11:31Listen, I've tried it with me nose and it hurts.
11:33If I spill this tray, I'll...
11:35Well, so stop arguing then, come on, to see this sign here.
11:40Arkwright's mobile store?
11:42Yes.
11:43You see, you've been very suscathing recently about how little I've done done for Granville.
11:47Well, there it is.
11:49You're not going to hang that on his damn bike as well.
11:55Close your eyes for a big surprise.
11:59Not likely.
12:01Not from the handful and you standing behind me.
12:04Not that sort of surprise.
12:06Well, that's a surprise.
12:11Now look what you've done, you great gauntless article.
12:17Are you supposed to do that without an anaesthetic?
12:25Oh, my God.
12:26They're not digging the road up again.
12:29They're not digging up the road again.
12:31That happens to be the latest addition to the Arkwright Empire.
12:45What is it?
12:46What do you mean, what is it?
12:48It's my new vehicle.
12:51Once he gets the hang of it, he'll sound a lot sweeter than that.
13:18Of course, it'll need a bit of touching up here and there.
13:21Well, after all, who doesn't?
13:25It's ideal for shopkeeping purposes.
13:31You see, you've got this little counter for receiving the customer's money.
13:35Are you in there, little counter?
13:37Yes, I'm in there.
13:38Well, open up your hat, will you?
13:40There you are, you see?
13:41All you have to do, you pay your money over, then you get your good money.
13:44Oh, one of those, one of those, two of those.
13:52Oh, and another one of those.
13:54You certainly get through a lot of a biological detergent in your house, Mrs. Blumblewitt.
13:59Oh, it's his collars.
14:01He will keep running his fingers round his collars.
14:04Oh, in a nervous habit.
14:05They say him up at the post office is just the same with his lady assistant, you know.
14:11You can't get him clean.
14:13No.
14:14I've tried everything.
14:16He is millsbund, after all.
14:18Well, that's one good reason for running your finger nervously round your collar, I suppose.
14:23He's always been nervous.
14:25He smokes endless cigarettes.
14:28Oh, pity we don't sell that kind.
14:31They're too long to get in the shop, you know.
14:34If you don't turn your husband out right, it reflects on the wife, I always think.
14:39Oh, you're absolutely right there, Mrs. Blumblewitt.
14:51Was that your gravel under all them boxes?
14:54Well, it was either him or a very bold shoplifter.
15:00You can never tell unless you get a glimpse of his bear, of his bear, of his...
15:04In that case, I don't think I'll bother.
15:06Of his bear bicycle clips, I was going to say.
15:10Oh, then it was your Granville.
15:12Oh, certainly, yes.
15:13Where's he going with all that stuff?
15:15Oh, he's going to stock up the new vehicle, which you may have seen standing outside,
15:18complete with its new gleaming hand-painted sign.
15:21He's not loading up that thing, is he?
15:24It can't even stand up straight.
15:27No, it has a slight slant, it's true, which is ideal for cornering, you see.
15:33Much the same as your Mr. Bluett when he comes home from the Black Bulls or somebody else.
15:39That's it.
15:40I can't get any more in.
15:42There he goes, look.
15:44Did you see him?
15:45Eh?
15:46What have I done now?
15:47Finger in his collar.
15:49They're all the same.
15:51You'll never convince me there isn't something nasty about men.
15:56You can try all you like, but as soon as your back's turned, they're at it.
16:04Finger in the collars.
16:06Oh, I see.
16:07Well, that'll be £3.29, Mrs. Bluett.
16:11£3 odd for a little bag of groceries like that.
16:14Well, I can put it in a bigger bag for you, if you like.
16:19Oh, dear.
16:21Oh, it's the return of the dog woman.
16:24Hello, Mrs. Tattersall.
16:27And how's your little treasure?
16:29Granville, go and fetch a chair for Mrs. Tattersall to sit her little treasure on.
16:33She's not been very well, Mr. Albright.
16:37Bless her.
16:38Oh, she's not going to be sick again, is she?
16:41She was very sorry about the last time, weren't you, Sookie?
16:45Yeah, we weren't too happy about it ourselves.
16:47No, no, that's right.
16:49I had to clear it up.
16:51Oh, thank you, Granville.
16:53Say thank you to Granville, Sookie.
16:55Oh, she's nearly human, Mr. Albright.
16:59Yeah, nearly human, I know.
17:01More than could be said for most people, isn't it?
17:04There we are.
17:18There we are, Mr. Yverblewitt.
17:20You shouldn't have dogs in here.
17:21I know, I don't usually, but this one spends quite a lot of money.
17:25Shall we take a pack of biscuits for our tea, then, Sookie?
17:30Ah, we'll take this pack of biscuits, Mr. Albright.
17:35You'll be better off with your biological warfare.
17:46Whatever are you doing up there?
17:48Getting ready to harness the horse to it?
17:51No, I'm just tinkering with these.
17:53Used to be an old ice cream van,
17:54and I wondered if there was any life left in the old chimes.
17:58I sometimes wonder if there's any life left in the whole universe.
18:06And the more I look at you, Mrs. Blewett,
18:08the more I'm convinced there isn't.
18:12Does Sookie want a big tin of stewing steak, Dan?
18:25Oh, we'll take this large tin of stewing steak, Mr. Albright.
18:32Oh, yes, I'm also a useful addition to the household comestibles, Mrs. Errett, that's all.
18:36Your little hairy friend shows excellent taste.
18:39Yes, she can almost talk.
18:41Oh, I know there's one over the road, just the same, you know.
18:44Oh, almost talks, does it?
18:46Well, no, it keeps leaving little messages, you know.
18:51Mummy knows what Sookie'd like.
18:54A little tin of red salmon.
19:02Oh, now make that two tins, Mrs. Errett.
19:08Oh, hey.
19:18Oh, don't forget to pay for those things your dog ordered, Mrs. Errett.
19:23Would she like to join the Christmas club?
19:26Hey, I've got it working, did you?
19:28Here, I've got... Oh, talk to yourself, Granville.
19:31Oh, dear, dear.
19:32Oh, hey, where's Mrs Titty Tatterthaw?
19:35She's halfway to Beth Peterborough.
19:37Anyway, I've got it working. Come on, it were only a couple of loose wires.
19:40I wish you hadn't got it working while that dog was still there shopping.
19:44Spends a lot of money, that dog does.
19:46Supposing it takes it to trade elsewhere?
19:49Oh, dear.
19:50Are you ready?
19:52Yeah.
19:55Yeah.
20:31Well, what a weapon in unscarrupulous hands.
20:45Well, I was just getting the hang of that.
20:48Will you shut up with your damn machine? I'm trying to get my mother to sleep.
20:52Oh, that's a good idea.
20:55No cracks from you.
20:56No, no, not from me, my love.
20:59No, I just had this wonderful vision of your mother by breathing peacefully in her sleep,
21:03with her wings folded, hanging upside down from a beam in the roof.
21:09You're not sending that lad out in this.
21:11Well, you wanted him off his bike.
21:13Into something safe.
21:15I'll be all right.
21:16Look at it.
21:17Why is it leaning like this?
21:19I'll be all right.
21:22You've overloaded it.
21:24No, not at all.
21:26It leans quite considerably, even when it's empty.
21:29It's a death trap.
21:30Oh, what nonsense, you dog.
21:38He's not going out in this till I'm sure it's safe.
21:41I'll be all right.
21:45You've loaded far too much stuff in here.
21:48He's got a competitive selection, you know.
21:51But this wasn't designed for all this loose stuff inside.
21:55Take it once round the block, Granville.
21:57Slowly.
21:58We'll see how safe it all is.
22:16Just once round the block and be careful.
22:19Don't drop anything fragile.
22:23That's no place to poke a shopkeeper.
22:27Don't you dread there being an accident?
22:29I do if you go around there hitting people in those.
22:33Listen, listen, why don't we get married while I've still got all my faculties?
22:36Shut up.
22:37Well, at least we can pop over to your mother's while she's asleep and have a toy with the idea.
22:42We're staying right here till that lad gets back.
22:45If he ever gets back.
22:47Bless him.
22:49All right, then.
22:50Could you come over later and look at my bedroom ceiling?
22:59Oh, look, you see, that's not so bad.
23:02He's getting the hang of it now.
23:06There, good lad, Granville.
23:09That's a mobile shopkeeper.
23:11It's all one.
23:13That's it lad.
23:13Pull over here, Granville.
23:14No, no, no, no.
23:16Granville, apply your brakes, Granville.
23:25You've got a bit of slow in braking there, Granville.
23:30Granville.
23:48Oh, don't squeeze his head.
23:51Oh, yes.
23:54Never mind his head.
23:55Help me rearrange his aperitimor.
24:02I'll take this one, Granville.
24:04Right, thank you very much.
24:06Unless you think I might be better with this one.
24:11No, I think you'll be all right with that one, Mavis.
24:15I can never make up my mind.
24:17I've noticed, Mavis.
24:18We've all noticed.
24:20You're a great help to me, Granville.
24:22Well, if it's one thing I do know my way around,
24:25that is tins and stuff.
24:27Oh, yes.
24:28If ever there is an emergency
24:30and the call goes out for someone
24:32who knows his way around tins and stuff,
24:34it'll be Granville's finest hour.
24:37I have this vision of me at parties, you know,
24:40holding all the women enthralled.
24:42I try to be modest about it, naturally,
24:46but they keep on plucking at my penny and demanding,
24:49come on, Granville, tell us about tins and stuff.
24:53I think I'll have a quarter of cheese.
24:59What's your uncle hammering in that old van?
25:01Oh, he's installing solid fuel.
25:03Solid fuel?
25:04What happened in the van?
25:06Will it go?
25:08Yeah?
25:09No, no, it's not for making it go.
25:10It's for cooking.
25:11See, Arkwright's Mobile Stores was a flop,
25:13so we're going into Arkwright's Mobile Catering.
25:16Well, we've got cheddar, double Gloucester,
25:19EDAM and or processed.
25:23Oh, heck.
25:28Take your time.
25:30You're a nice person, Granville.
25:33Are you sure?
25:38Well, I've installed your cooking facilities, Granville.
25:42Oh, hello, Mavis.
25:43How are you?
25:44I'm not sure, Mr. Arkwright.
25:47And furthermore, Granville,
25:48I've decided on the perfect site for you to ply your new trading.
25:52Oh, great.
25:52Where?
25:52Right outside where it is.
25:54Outside there in the street.
25:57Right out there in our own street?
25:59Yes.
26:00Think of the shaving in petrol.
26:02Wowie, wow, wow, wow.
26:03That's real mobile catering, that is.
26:06Oh, yes.
26:06When the chaps come round for their cans of beer in the evening,
26:10they will hear the sizzling
26:11and smell the irresistible odour of sausages frying.
26:16Oh.
26:17Oh, well, there you are, Mavis.
26:18If you're round this way this evening
26:19and you hear something smelling, it'll be me.
26:23Why don't you pop in and have hot dog?
26:25Oh, well, I'd like to, Granville, but I...
26:26No, I know you are a married woman.
26:29Oh, it's not that.
26:30I can never decide whether to put mustard on it or not.
26:49I'll open your damper a bit.
26:52I can't, it's stuck.
26:55Well, jiggle it a bit.
26:57I'm trying to jiggle it a bit.
27:23Don't leave me in here.
27:40I shall be out of pocket on the hand-painted sign
27:44that we can eat the sausages.
27:46I mean, we might get to like smoked sausages.
27:50We're going to get plenty of damn practice.
27:55Fancy asking wavy Mavis to ring for the fire brigade.
27:59She dialled 999.
28:02Her voice said,
28:03Which service, please?
28:05And that was it.
28:07I have that blasted mind.
28:09And.
28:22And...
28:28And...