- 3 hours ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:10Piano music
00:31Granville, come and sweep the front.
00:34This dust'll need laying and all.
00:36Get some water and spsp, spsp, spsp, spsp, spsp.
00:40Get some water and spsp, spsp, spsp, spsp.
00:44Get some water and spsp, spsp.
00:47Don't bother, I've done it myself.
01:07I didn't ought to be stuck here.
01:09I want some adventure in my life,
01:11like trekking through sun-drenched equatorial Africa.
01:13Well, then, now's your chance, Granville.
01:15Fetch your cloth, get on your camel
01:17and start trekking across them vast deserts of glass
01:20with a bucket of soapy water.
01:23It always rains when I clean my windows.
01:25Oh, no, not today, it won't.
01:27It's going to be fine and bright.
01:29Didn't you hear the weather 4-4-4 cast?
01:32The 4-4-4 cast? That's 3-4s are 12.
01:35Don't you mean the weather 12 cast?
01:37Yeah.
01:37No.
02:22Are you all right?
02:23Oh, no, it's just a bend in the...
02:25Ooh!
02:26Am I supposed to run this business on me own
02:29while you lie out here with ladies on your leg?
02:32If you weren't so tight with your money, Arkwright,
02:35you'd buy these lads some proper steps.
02:37Is he falling off a stool?
02:39Do you realise there's lads of your age, Granville,
02:42shouting to Geronimo and jumping out of aeroplanes?
02:46Well, they're not wearing a pinny, though, are they?
02:50I've got to go now and stick things in, people.
02:53But if you come over later,
02:54I'll give you something for that bruise.
02:56Ooh!
02:57This bruise!
02:58Not you, Arkwright.
03:00You wouldn't have a bruise
03:01unless you bought a low-doll sale.
03:05Oh, heck, she affects me powerfully, that woman.
03:09Says there's something in the way she moves.
03:13Like a combine harvest
03:15they're going through at the whole place.
03:20I hope you haven't damaged any of this fruit.
03:32Yes, glad it's Emmanuel, Granville.
03:34It's everything I've ever wanted in a woman.
03:36A huge chest and have a backside like a school bus.
03:41I have got no time for these modern women
03:44with no room in the boot.
03:46I often think that girls are more attractively wrapped
03:49than even bars of chocolate.
03:51Ah, and they can both make a mess
03:53of your pocket and all.
03:55I like girls of all sizes.
03:58That's depraved, is that?
04:00Oh, it isn't.
04:00It just shows I'm very flexible in me taste.
04:03Do you know,
04:05I think perhaps I want to get a sexier cat.
04:07I think girls should be the shape and size
04:10to fit the special needs of the individual, you know.
04:13In your case, small, demure
04:15and financially independent.
04:18And in my case, rounded and muscular
04:20and generating enough of body warmth
04:23to cut down the fuel cost in the bedroom.
04:27There's only one thing that guides my choice
04:29in a particular girl.
04:30And that is I'm grateful for anyone
04:32who doesn't laugh at me pinny.
04:34If only the nurse had a more respectable job.
04:37Well, nursing's respectable.
04:39Well, you never know what they've had hold of, do you?
04:44I think I'll get some suede shoes.
04:48You know, I see her come out of there
04:49like a small, highly trained pancer division
04:52and me heart lifts.
04:54Every time I think about her,
04:55I feel as if I'm paddling barefoot through loose change.
05:00I feel me toes curling around for freshly minted silver.
05:04And then I see her get in that car and drive away
05:07and I realise where she's going.
05:10Off to manipulate strange men.
05:16Oh, my God, look what I've done.
05:20I must catch the cardboard before it sets.
05:24If I'm very careful, I might just repair the packet
05:27so nobody notices.
05:28But even in this day and age,
05:30there's nothing any mortal soul can do
05:32to mend a broken biscuit, you know.
05:35No, well, what do you think?
05:41I'm going to have to reduce it.
05:43Or twice.
05:44I'm going to have to do this.
05:45I'm going to have to do this.
05:58I'm going to have to do this.
06:20Have you got any Thruppney cornets?
06:39I'm going to have to do this.
06:59Oh, my morning, Mrs. Braddock.
07:01Oh, my new coat.
07:03Do you like it?
07:04Oh, it's very beautiful.
07:06Of course.
07:06What it needs is a handbag to match.
07:08Yes, yes, I see what you mean, yeah.
07:10Yes, get rid of this whole thing.
07:11Well, you always did have a bit of taste, Mrs. Braddock.
07:14Well, it's not every man that appreciates it, Mr. Arkwright.
07:17Well, when you're running a business like this,
07:18making a success of it,
07:19you have to have a bit of flair, you know.
07:21Oh, and you have been successful, Mr. Arkwright.
07:24You've got a very sound little business here.
07:26Oh, well, it's not been easy.
07:28No, but you've struggled and won.
07:30Well, I like to think so, yes.
07:32There's no doubt about it.
07:34Well, it's very nice of you to say so, Mrs. Braddock.
07:36Can you cash me a cheque?
07:42Oh, well, you know, the more I look at that bag,
07:46you know, Mrs. Braddock, the nicer I think it looks.
07:49I mean, you don't get bags like that nowadays, do you, eh?
07:53Detachable handles and everything like that.
07:56It's awful, Mr. Arkwright.
07:58The bottom's falling out of it.
08:00Oh, it's just like the grocery business, Mrs. Braddock.
08:02I mean, we've got all this VAT, you know,
08:04and I have to spend, oh, so much money on Granville's clothes.
08:08He's a very difficult age at the moment, you know.
08:10I've never seen him in anything but that old cap and aprons.
08:13Oh, well, he spends a fortune on handmade underwear, you see.
08:18You wouldn't believe the places he's got his initials sewn on.
08:22Now, how much were you dreaming, were you thinking of, Mrs. Braddock?
08:26Ten pounds?
08:27Ten pounds, oh.
08:28Five.
08:29Well, how's Mr. Braddock?
08:31Is he quite well, is he?
08:33Oh, he's fine, thank you.
08:34Oh, regular medical check-ups and all that.
08:36I mean, he's working hard and bringing in the...
08:38Oh, yes, he's working all the time.
08:39I hardly ever see him.
08:40Oh, well, all right, then, five pounds.
08:44Oh, dear.
08:45You know, sometimes I lie in bed awake at night
08:47and on a clear night, I swear I can hear the sound
08:50of the smaller businesses collapsing.
08:53Oh, dear.
08:57Oh, dear.
09:26Thank you, Mr. Arkwright.
09:28I'll pop it in here before you wear it out.
09:32Well, have a nice day, Mr. Arkwright.
09:35Thank you again.
09:36Oh, my pleasure, Mrs. Bouncer.
09:38Her, Braddock.
09:43Hey, you've gone pale.
09:46Aren't you feeling well?
09:47Oh, I'm all right.
09:48It's just the wear and tear of self-employment.
09:52Oh, do you want me to fetch the nurse over to have a look at you?
09:54No, she wouldn't come up.
09:57Hey, would she?
09:58Would she?
09:59She might, you know.
10:01She might come over.
10:02I mean, that's her job, isn't it?
10:03Eh?
10:04Visiting the sick.
10:04You're looking better already.
10:06No, I'm not poorly.
10:08I just thought I might practice a little harmless self-deception, eh?
10:12I shouldn't bother.
10:13You know it never works.
10:14Oh, that's right.
10:15But be encouraging.
10:16Well, none of your evil little schemes ever come to anything.
10:20Anyway, she'll never believe you're poorly.
10:22She knows that you never entertain anything that hasn't got a profit in it.
10:25I hope to practice a little deception by preparing myself with a little medical study.
10:31Anything to get the chance of being clasped tenderly and then drawn with a bit of luck in
10:36the general direction of that regal bosom.
10:38Oh, there's a pillar for a man.
10:41Oh, I could rest me two cheeks on that and be comforted right down to the rare roots
10:46of me bare boots.
10:49It's big by modern standards.
10:51Oh, you can keep your modern standards.
10:53You try and rest for comfort on a couple of them, you finish up with perforated eardrums.
10:59Go and fetch that old medical book.
11:02You remember the one?
11:03Come and go and get it out.
11:05Now then, oh dear.
11:07Now, what can I possibly charge for them?
11:20What's up with you?
11:21You're a bungle of nerves.
11:22Oh, you haven't finally noticed, have you?
11:24I've noticed your prices don't get any better.
11:26Now, don't you start.
11:27I've just had Mrs. Braddock in here.
11:29She'd come in here, bought nothing and went out with five pounds change.
11:34It's taken me all me time to break even.
11:36I don't know why you don't pack it all in and buy a little cottage somewhere.
11:40Hey, that's a good idea.
11:41Yeah, tell you what.
11:42I could buy yours and you could forget to move out, couldn't you?
11:45Eh?
11:46I'd treat you well, I promise you.
11:47Yes, it's a tempting offer.
11:49You must have a tidy little something tucked away, have it?
11:52Oh, I have.
11:52I have.
11:53And it's all yours.
11:55Oh, yes, all yours.
11:57And me money as well, if you like.
11:59I can just see myself.
12:01You'd have me working in this shop all the hours God sent.
12:04And a few more besides.
12:05No, you would live like a queen.
12:08Yes, and you know how many hours she puts in a week.
12:11No, if I married you, I should have to be sure you retired early.
12:14Oh, I would, I would.
12:15Straight after the nine o'clock news.
12:19I, I want to give you the key to my heart.
12:22I know what you want to give me.
12:24But for the moment, I'll settle for a large packet of detergent.
12:27Oh, all right then.
12:32What are you walking like that for?
12:34No, isn't it nothing?
12:35I find if I grit my teeth and keep my knees together, I can just about cope with it.
12:43Grit what?
12:44Well, I'm not sure, really.
12:46It's more of a premonition of something coming on.
12:48You know what I mean?
12:49Here, there's dozens of diseases in here you could choose.
12:52Get out!
12:56Your temper's not improved.
12:58How long can you go on to smiling through your pain?
13:01Where does it hurt?
13:02Put your hand here.
13:05Not till you've seen your own doctor.
13:07These fingers are strictly for medicinal purposes.
13:09Listen, you're national health, you know.
13:11I pay my stamps.
13:12Least you can do is come over and mark me card.
13:16You know what you need, Arkwright?
13:17What?
13:18An operation.
13:19An operation?
13:20To relieve you of that big lump in your back pocket.
13:28Well, what I'm looking for is a nice little illness that will strike me down just after we close.
13:34Something that calls for a nice bit of fire and a low light in the living room.
13:39Shall you be going out tonight at all?
13:40Yes, as soon as we close.
13:42Nine o'clock.
13:43Yeah.
13:44Dancing the night away, eh?
13:46Don't forget I shut up sharp at 10.15, will you?
13:49A whole hour and a quarter of the Dolce Vita.
13:51Do you think I'm ready for such freedom?
13:53Well, I want you to go out and enjoy yourself, Granville.
13:57Hmm.
13:58I saw that Linda Mulgrave this morning.
14:00She's at art school now.
14:03I bet she's a raver.
14:05Yeah, well, you're only here young once.
14:07You gather your rolls budge while you make.
14:09Yeah.
14:09Trouble is, by the time I get out, there's now left but thorns.
14:13And even then, I've a hell of a job to get close enough to get scratched.
14:18Oh, dear, I wouldn't want to have that, would you?
14:20Yeah, you wouldn't know where to lay it for comfort, would you?
14:26I should have gone to art school, you know, grown a beard, become a swinger with a further educational circle.
14:32You see, she's a very cautious woman, but if I found a nice, cosy little disease with the right symptoms,
14:38I reckon she'd come across the road anyway.
14:46Well, then, go on, then.
14:48Oh, heck.
15:01It's Linda, isn't it?
15:03Chapel Road Youth Club.
15:10Have you any glue?
15:12I like it, I like it.
15:14Hey, how's that for openers after all these years, eh?
15:18Have you any glue?
15:21You're a scream, you lot.
15:22Is there anything for a giggle in your crowd, eh?
15:24I wish I were among it.
15:26How do you like it?
15:27Sticky.
15:31Oh, the glue, the glue.
15:32You see, you see?
15:33There you go again.
15:35I wish I could churn out all that sophisticated patter.
15:40Aye.
15:41Still, we had a lot of laughs, oh, didn't we?
15:42With the, with the, with the, er...
15:54How's your mother?
15:56Halfway up a stepladder, waiting for this glue.
15:59Glue?
15:59Glue?
16:00Oh, yes, sir.
16:01Well, I think it's in the basement, madam.
16:02Would you mind waiting for a moment?
16:10Glue.
16:13Glue.
16:15You don't remember me, do you?
16:17Should I?
16:18It's Granville.
16:29Oh, that Granville.
16:32I only do this for the money, you know.
16:34It's not the, it's not the essential me.
16:36You know, up in the privacy of my own room,
16:38it's, it's all great literature
16:40and 50 favourite masterpieces of great art.
16:43Hmm.
16:46It's, I, er...
16:47I'm free at nine.
16:49You know, perhaps we could take a walk down the canal.
16:51You know, have a natter
16:52about the brushwork of Leonardo.
16:56I'm going to the wrestling.
16:58Oh.
16:59Well, why don't you call in on the way back, you know,
17:02and I've made some fresh fruit pie, I've just baked.
17:05I'm not always in boots.
17:07I'm going to get some suede shoes.
17:24Oh, wait, I can't believe you.
17:25Eh? No, all right, I'll go, I'll go.
17:27I want to get a second opinion on this.
17:30Norman, Norman, you're just the chap I'm looking at.
17:34I wonder if that Linda Mulgrave needs a model.
17:38Someone small but perfectly proportioned.
17:41Huh, and he's cat and bicycle clips.
17:45Can't see out.
17:46Can't see out.
17:47No, you really need one of them, er,
17:49the lights strapped to your head, don't you?
17:50I tell you what, er, do you think you'd be able to see better
17:53if I gave you a torch?
17:54Well, I should think so, if I knew what I was looking for.
17:56Well, it's inflammation of the special skin
17:59which covers the eye...
18:00Well, it looks all right.
18:02Balls.
18:07Eyeballs, eyeballs, let me finish talking with you.
18:11No, it's too much responsibility for me, Mr Arkwright.
18:14I only come in for some tinned carrots.
18:16Oh, dear.
18:17They're good for your eyes.
18:18Yes, yes, all they tell me, er.
18:20You never see rabbits wearing glasses, do you?
18:23Present company accepted, of course.
18:25Now, then, would you mind looking in my eye with that torch
18:29when I lift my lid up?
18:31Come on.
18:31No, no, I can't stop.
18:32I've got two eggs on't boil.
18:34Oh, dear.
18:35You're not the stuff that surgeons are made of, are you, Norman?
18:38I've castrated pigs.
18:45Yeah?
18:46Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
18:49I've got some ointment for that somewhere.
18:53So, it's just the carrots and the torch, is it, Norman?
18:56No, I don't want the torch.
18:57Oh, well, if you have any complaints, of course, we will exchange it.
19:00For another torch, I mean.
19:02Oh, well, perhaps you'd rather have a yellow one, would you?
19:04No, I think blue is the in colour this year.
19:06Ta-ta.
19:10Nice job.
19:12Thanks.
19:14Oh, that damn spring clip.
19:19If that gets any more vicious, I'll have to take that round the vets
19:22and have it put down.
19:29Oh, let's hope my pastry rises.
19:31My wages never do.
19:34Hey, have you got a thermometer?
19:37Oh.
19:37I think I've got a touch of page 42.
19:41Put it on there, look, on the wall, look.
19:43That's in the old good to me.
19:44I can't get me mouth round that.
19:48Well, that's all we've got.
19:49And there's no need to be so modest.
19:50You could get three of those in there.
19:53Stuff on the wall, you silly devil.
20:04Now, Milford, fetch your cloth, will you?
20:09Well, what's wrong with you?
20:10I don't know.
20:11I can't pronounce it.
20:12Look.
20:13And if you've got it, you don't get the time to pronounce it.
20:22Don't beggar a bow.
20:24Come on.
20:24You can't have got that.
20:26You'd be dead.
20:27Much quieter altogether.
20:29Listen, I was reading in the paper yesterday headlines
20:32of small shopkeepers in danger of extinction.
20:34So there you are.
20:35Oh.
20:43Well, what have you been doing with this cloth?
20:47Nothing.
20:51Oh, yes.
20:53I better go and wash this out.
20:55Well, what's been on it?
20:57Never you mind.
20:58You've got enough to worry about.
21:07Have you saved my bread?
21:09Yes, it was just going under for the third time.
21:11There it is.
21:18It'll do.
21:26Did you see that, Granville?
21:27I'm Mrs. Ellis, the bread strangler.
21:31Terrible what that creature does to a sliced loaf, you know.
21:33She orders one every day.
21:35She can't wait to get her hands on it.
21:37As soon as you hand it over, she's on it, clawing and bashing and thumping it.
21:40God knows what she does with it when she gets it home.
21:44You left the money on the counter.
21:45I bet you can't move in her house for mutilated bread.
21:49Has he left the money on the counter?
21:50Don't get obsessed with money, Granville.
21:54The only thing that matters is your health.
21:58Now, just feel me pulse, will you?
22:01Oh, hold on.
22:05Hey, it's not moved, this.
22:07Well, of course not.
22:07Give it time.
22:09It doesn't go racing up and down the scale.
22:11It's not on a bit of elastic.
22:14Now then, give us your hand.
22:16Right.
22:16One, two...
22:18Good afternoon.
22:20Good afternoon.
22:21Oh.
22:25Is the proprietor in?
22:28Well, he's hung up at the moment.
22:30Oh.
22:31Well, I represent the Matlock Mutual Protection Society,
22:34so perhaps you could just give him my card
22:36and tell him that I have something of enormous advantage to him.
22:40There's a gentleman here who says he's got...
22:41Oh, oh, what, what, uh, what?
22:43Says he doesn't want any.
22:46But has he heard about our guilt-edged centenary offer?
22:50Have you heard about the guilt-edged centenary...
22:56Oh, I've had it all day, all day long.
23:02It started with the widow.
23:04There she was.
23:05Poor woman.
23:06She was old in the hand of her little child, too.
23:08And there it is, looking up at me with big, staring, trusted eyes.
23:12And all the time I'm trying to talk its mother into parting with her widow's might.
23:15Oh.
23:16And now, this, this poor, poor creature.
23:19Well, I've had it, I tell you, I've had it up to here.
23:22You're the last poor soul I ever try and talk into parting with his money
23:25on the strength of an offer of a rubber mat with your name on it for the shop door.
23:30What size?
23:32What size?
23:34Oh.
23:45You're not poorly.
23:48You saw what that thermometer said.
23:50Never went any higher than wet and windy.
23:54I know that, and yeah, you know that.
23:56But Nurse Gladys Emanuel doesn't have to know it, does she?
23:59I want her to come up here and discover it for herself, don't I?
24:03Along with a few other little surprises I've got up my sleeve.
24:06Up your sleeve.
24:07Don't forget, you've still got your pyjamas on.
24:10I'm not likely to with her floating about, am I?
24:12Hey, put that main light off and let's see the effect of the table lamp.
24:17Oh, yes, that's better, isn't it?
24:19That's sort of romantic but sombre.
24:21You know, it makes me look sort of poetic but consumptive, you know what I mean?
24:26You see, the effect I'm trying to achieve is that I'm poorly but attractive.
24:33Yeah, but perhaps you're right, I'd better have the light out altogether, I think.
24:38Listen, go and see if she's come back yet.
24:45No, her car's not there.
24:46Oh, it's typical, isn't it? Typical.
24:48She gallops round the town for the comforters of strangers, don't she?
24:51Well, she'll be delivering babies.
24:53I know, well, they can't afford to send them by post anymore, can they?
24:57Listen, hey, just a minute, come here.
24:59Come and see if this record player is working, will you?
25:03I don't want to miss out on the mood music, do you?
25:07What's this, a 78?
25:10What happened to that LP you were promising to buy?
25:13Well, I tried.
25:14I went down to get the latest Engelber...
25:16Engelber...
25:17Engelber...
25:19Engelber...
25:19Engelber...
25:19Engelberber...
25:20To...
25:20Hump...
25:21Hump...
25:21Hump...
25:21Hump...
25:21Hump...
25:22Hump...
25:24Time I'd managed to see it, they sold out.
25:36Hump...
25:47Hump...
25:49Hump...
26:07Oh, furniture polish?
26:16Oh, scented furniture polish.
26:19I should have done me legs as well.
26:23No, no.
26:45Oh, dear.
26:46Oh.
26:49That's all right, muck about, enjoy yourself, won't you?
26:52Don't worry about me, the poor invalid up here.
26:58Hey, what's going on?
27:08He slipped and cracked his head on the stairs.
27:11It's these suede shoes.
27:12I can't steer them like boots.
27:16Seem to go in opposite directions.
27:18I think they must have come from different herds.
27:23Can you hear me?
27:24He'll be all right.
27:26I'll just pop him up to the outpatients to make sure.
27:29Listen, Granville, before she takes you away, listen to me.
27:32Are you listening?
27:32Mrs Ellis left some money on the counter.
27:34Did you put it in the till?
27:36Are you listening?
27:37Did you put it in the till?
27:38Get out of the way.
27:39I can't bear it when relatives break down.
27:43Do you think you can make it to the car, love?
27:45Yes, I can walk.
27:46I think I can walk.
27:47It's just I don't think I've got suede-type feet.
27:50Well, thanks very much, Nurse Gladys, for coming over.
27:54I've enjoyed our visit.
27:55We must do it more often.
27:56Don't clutter the place up.
27:58Make yourself useful.
27:59I intended to make myself useful, didn't I?
28:02I was hoping that you and me would get together for a little course of treatment.
28:06Don't bother me now.
28:07We'll talk about it later.
28:09Provided, of course, you're properly dressed.
28:11Oh, well, that's a little ray of hope, anyway.
28:14Listen, before you take him away, I'll just get him something to nibble in case they keep him in.
28:18They won't keep him in.
28:20Well, you never know, do you?
28:21Yeah, I mean, the least we can do is give someone, I mean, if we can't give our own relic,
28:2543p.
28:33Granville?
28:34You all right?
28:39That good Granville, you might know he'd fall on his feet.
28:44Or on this particular occasion, on his head.
28:49Trust him.
28:49Well, mind you, I think I can trust him with her.
28:53That's one of the advantages of a sheltered upbringing.
28:57You haven't got the know-how to muscle in on your uncle's territory.
29:01Oh, and what territory?
29:03Them lovely rolling acres.
29:08Part of the national heritage is gay, Gladys Emanuel.
29:14Oh, God, don't let the socialists and the nationaliser.
29:17Oh, God.
29:19Something, God.