- 2 days ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:05¶¶
00:36I'm getting worried about Granville.
00:39He's at a fair, fair funny age.
00:42Oh, that's nice.
00:44I'm so stuttering when I'm only thinking now.
01:02To Granville, fetch a cloth.
01:25What do you always do that for?
01:27Yeah, do what for?
01:28Oh, you know, it's...
01:29Oh, that's the shopkeeper's chafe, is that?
01:33We do that for luck.
01:34And to remind ourselves how much more fortunate we are
01:37than the humble grasshopper.
01:39Because the grasshopper, if he wants to make that sort of noise,
01:41has to rub his hind legs together.
01:44Imagine if shopkeepers all did that.
01:46Oh, dear, what would that do to their overheads?
01:49Every morning, though, it's this, isn't it?
01:52You're going to do it once too often
01:53and your hands are going to burst into flames.
01:56Oh, dear.
01:57Do I detect in the heart of that little embryo shopkeeper
02:00an air of bare belligerence?
02:02Yes, you do detect an air of bare, bare belligerence.
02:06How many more bolts are you going to put on here?
02:08You can't be too careful.
02:10It's very disturbing for a young man
02:12to start his day off with all this Freudian symbolism.
02:15Oh, dear.
02:16Who got out of bed the wrong side this morning, then?
02:18There's no right side this time in the morning.
02:21You want to go get to bed at night?
02:23Oh, get to bed.
02:24We don't even close till nine o'clock.
02:27If I go out for an hour, it's midnight before I can turn round.
02:30Oh, that's what you do, is it?
02:32And turning round.
02:34Oh, that's her very dubious, if you ask me that.
02:36No good will come of young couples out after midnight
02:39all today to turning round.
02:42I don't know what we have to open up for at this time
02:44in the morning, anyway.
02:45I was dreaming that I was cruising down the main drag in Las Vegas.
02:51Oh, Las Vegas, is it?
02:52I see.
02:53But you and Bugsy Spiegel.
02:54That's right.
02:54We were looking for a hot fruit machine.
02:58You are not a fruit machine.
02:59There's no one in the kitchen.
03:02Where?
03:02The gas oven.
03:05After the early morning rush,
03:07you can get out there and make us an apple pie.
03:09Early morning rush, honestly.
03:11Six blokes and a sheepdog.
03:13Sometimes all at once.
03:14You want to be ready for them.
03:16They'll be here any moment
03:17with no time to spare for that morning bus.
03:20Oh, look at these for fig biscuits, Granville.
03:22We've got too many fig biscuits.
03:24I want you to start pushing fig biscuits.
03:27Marvellous, sir.
03:27Me own uncle gets me up before dawn
03:29just so as I can open the door for somebody's sheepdog.
03:41Well, let's just see what he wants.
03:44Good morning, sir.
03:45What can we steal you up to?
03:47Thank you very much.
03:49Hold on.
03:52He says he wants a large tin of baked beans
03:55and a packet of fire lighters.
03:57Very unusual breakfast, sir, if I may say.
03:59Thank you very much.
04:01There we are.
04:02No, no, no fig biscuits.
04:03I don't know.
04:04Do you want fig biscuits, sir?
04:06No, no, no fig biscuits.
04:08Here you are.
04:09Off you go.
04:15And don't go cocking your leg up on the brushing and broom.
04:20Hey, he's very obedient.
04:23He didn't go anywhere near them.
04:24He did it over the seed display stand instead.
04:26I hope they don't start germinating.
04:30Never worry you that life is passing us by and here we are, stuck here, serving incontinent dogs.
04:36No, no, no, it doesn't worry me at all as long as they pay cash.
04:38Come on, get all this money in the till.
04:40Go on.
04:41Oh, look, why don't you get it in?
04:43Look, it'll warm you up.
04:44Get it in.
04:45You need, we're waking up.
04:47All right.
04:55Well, come on, you're not there playing the Warsaw Concert.
04:58Don't get it in.
04:59Oh, I don't like it.
05:00It's dangerous, that.
05:01Oh, you big girl's blouse.
05:03Give it here.
05:05I don't know what to...
05:15I'm going to open that up one of these mornings and find it full of loose fingers.
05:20Get off.
05:20Go on, look, there you go again.
05:22Look, go on, make the most of it while you've still got some fingers left.
05:26There's no need for you to do it.
05:28There's no need for you to do it.
05:30Oh, shut up, you.
05:32Listen, I have to keep my hands at room temperature
05:35in case I ever have to decant any of that sparkling, vintage, full-bodied white
05:39known locally as Nurse Gladys Emanuel.
05:43I don't know why you don't give that up as a bad job.
05:45She's never going to marry you.
05:46We're engaged.
05:47Why shouldn't she?
05:48Because your interests are not broad enough.
05:50Listen, she's broad enough for both of us.
05:53She wants a bit more out of life than somebody who can calculate percentages in his head.
05:58That's just a knack with me, that.
06:00I've been knackered with that since birth.
06:03Get up, here they come.
06:04Hot foot for the first bus.
06:07Hello, Mr. Glastonbury.
06:08Good morning.
06:08There's yours, sir.
06:09There's the usual.
06:10There we are.
06:10There we are, Mr. Rafferty.
06:12A 20-mile in a box of matches.
06:14Where's Mr...
06:15Oh, whose hand is that?
06:16Oh, it's Mr. Ellis.
06:17I thought it was a little stranger with the yellow gloves.
06:20It's the nicotine.
06:21There we are, sir.
06:23And yours, sir.
06:24That's your usual there.
06:25And there's yours.
06:26That's the idea.
06:27Anyone else?
06:27There we are.
06:28Just throw all the papers on the floor, gentlemen.
06:30My assistant will sweep them all up later.
06:33There you go.
06:34And if he sweeps up a pair of lungs, if the owner can come back...
06:39There they go.
06:41Rafferty, don't be better out than all.
06:46Granville, they're on the move.
06:47Granville, off the door.
06:49Off the door, dear boys.
06:50Good morning.
06:53Good morning.
06:53Good morning.
06:58Look at that.
06:58That was a saucepan for all they came in.
07:03Do you know what?
07:04We'd be much better off.
07:06There'd be less racket and less fumes if we let the bus in here and let that lot wait outside.
07:10Mind you, a lot of effort goes into a coffin like that, you know.
07:14If I could harness all that energy, I could heat this place for the week.
07:19Yeah, and if you could get it free, maybe you'd let me have some meat in my bedroom.
07:23Instead of living up there amongst all those perishables you haven't got room for in the cold store.
07:27Hey, hey, the last thing a lad like you wants at your tricky age is a warm bedroom.
07:32Do you realise how many unnatural practices are directly attributable to central eating?
07:37And while we're talking about eating, go and get some breakfast, go on.
07:41It's another unnatural practice.
07:42Eating at this time in the morning, in the middle of the night.
07:46Oh, dear.
07:47Oh, what's happened to Mr Harris?
07:49I hope he hasn't given up coughing for length.
07:54Oh, dear.
07:55It's brazen, is this?
07:57What is?
07:57This page here.
07:59Which page?
07:59This page with your finger marks all over it.
08:02Oh, that page.
08:03This paper is full of your young lady's upper attributes.
08:06Well, why don't you change it if you don't like it?
08:08It was something with more substance.
08:09I don't think I could handle any more substance than this.
08:12Oh, look at her.
08:14She's got more of her front than he's born.
08:16Look at her.
08:17You ought to take a serious newspaper, you know.
08:19Prove to Nurse Gladys that, you know, you've got other interests.
08:22She won't let me prove me first interest, yes.
08:25Oh, where can you get that?
08:27Look, me hands are all flowery.
08:31Oh, that sharpened his reflexes up, nearly missing that customer last week.
08:35Morning, Mrs Blewett.
08:37Is it?
08:37You wouldn't think so if you had to run about after him.
08:4164 years old and he still can't keep a button on his shirt.
08:45I'll have a tin of me polish and a bottle of bleach.
08:48And another tin of polish, Mrs Blewett.
08:50Aye, they don't go very far.
08:52Why, you must have a very nice, shiny place up there to be miserable in.
08:56You'd be miserable if you lived up there with him.
08:58If he's not under my feet, he's down at that British Legion club,
09:02trying to drink his way back through the Second World War.
09:06I wouldn't mind, but he only got as far as old a shot.
09:11Just you and him now the kids are gone, is it?
09:13More's the pity.
09:14Yeah.
09:15He never was any help.
09:16No, how many kids were, was it?
09:18Seven.
09:19Good grief, how much help do you want?
09:22At least it explains a few of them are missing buttons, doesn't it?
09:25There we are.
09:26Is that a strong bleach?
09:28Strong, it's lethal, that is.
09:30You can hear it seething in the bottle on a still night, that.
09:34You'll not have seen Mrs Muffet?
09:36No, no, not this morning, no.
09:38No, yesterday.
09:40No?
09:41She has been seen.
09:43Has she?
09:43In Chesterfield.
09:45Oh.
09:46Well, I mean, that's nothing to be ashamed of, is it?
09:49I mean, it's not illegal, is it?
09:50That's where he lives.
09:52Her, her, her who?
09:55A fancy man.
09:56In Chesterfield.
09:58Her, her, her, her, her.
10:02Her, her, her boyfriend?
10:04Yes.
10:06She's had him for years.
10:08Oh.
10:08I suppose he's had her as well.
10:12You'd never have thought it.
10:14She looks such a quiet little woman in that act.
10:17And they're the worst.
10:18Yes, I know.
10:19Mind you, you see, I should have known it all along because she never did or did buy any.
10:24Buy any what?
10:25She never once of her bought one single packet of her for fig biscuits.
10:30Which, at today's reduced prices, they represent a most economical supplement to the householder diet.
10:36Fig biscuits?
10:38Yes, the very same.
10:38The chaste housewife's indicator there for fig biscuits.
10:42What's so special about fig biscuits?
10:44Oh, and nothing that a customer would spot, of course.
10:46No.
10:47It takes a lifetime of a shopkeeping mouse to spot a connection like that.
10:51A connection like what?
10:52The fig connection.
10:54The connection between a fig biscuit and Honourable Womanhood.
10:57Don't ask me to explain it, Mrs. Blewett.
10:59But all I can say is this.
11:00You show me a grocery list without a fig biscuit, and I will show you a housewife of a doubtful
11:06moral rectitude.
11:09Now, that's a packet of bleach and a tartine of polish.
11:13Yeah, and a packet of fig biscuits.
11:16And a fig biscuit.
11:18There we are, Mrs. Blewett.
11:19Thank you very much.
11:36Don't come too close, Arkwright.
11:38This time of the morning, I bruise easy.
11:41Nurse Gladys Emanuel, for whom I have only the gentlest of intentions.
11:46The only time you go gentle is when you're spending anything.
11:49I'm going to work.
11:50Oh, I hate to think where these hands will have been by the time they get back here.
11:54Listen, if you're going to grab me, you'd better do it now while your fingers are still fresh.
11:59Out of the way, you silly beggar.
12:01You get worse.
12:02Allow me to assist you into your vehicle.
12:04No, thank you.
12:05Oh, go on, Gladys.
12:06Let me give you a helping hand where I need it most.
12:09You'll do nothing of the kind.
12:11Clear off.
12:14Listen, if you're going to handle anything nasty, put your gloves on.
12:31This shop bike's useless.
12:33It's totally clapped out.
12:35Oh, you're just like your mother, always striving for perfection.
12:38Yeah, he's a hell of a rattle down here.
12:41Yeah, such was her reputation, I believe.
12:45The height of her creative period, yes.
12:47That's a nice thing to say about your own sister.
12:50No, half-sister, a half-sister.
12:52We never did find out which half, actually.
12:54Because me father married again, you see.
12:56He never got anything right the first time.
13:00You're going to have to get this damn bike fixed.
13:02Oh, just jiggle it a bit.
13:04Yeah, I spend half my life just jiggling it a bit.
13:09Your mother was wild and rebellious and all, yeah.
13:12Eh, I can't even remember what she looked like.
13:15Oh, big, beautiful your mother was and buxom.
13:18You must take after your father.
13:20Really?
13:20What was he like?
13:21Lightning.
13:23Come on, get these orders round and don't take all day about it.
13:27Do you reckon he was Hungarian?
13:29I mean, she must have loved him, mustn't she,
13:31to have kept his identity secret like she did.
13:33Perhaps she couldn't pronounce it.
13:35Yeah.
13:36Just think, if she hadn't have met him, I wouldn't have been here.
13:38You're not supposed to be here now.
13:40You're supposed to be out there.
13:41Come on.
13:43No, it makes you think, though, doesn't it?
13:45I mean, what a narrow line there is
13:47between who gets born and who doesn't get born.
13:51Just think, I could have been one of the nameless unborn.
13:55Don't worry, I would have thought of something to call you.
14:05Who's that stupid young twonk?
14:11Some Hungarian.
14:53The
15:10I better have a tin of, er, soup.
15:14One tin of soup, my mavis, thank you. Are they large or small?
15:19Large.
15:22No small.
15:26Oxtail?
15:40Oxtail.
15:41Oxtail?
15:43No, I better take tomato.
15:45Tomato?
15:46yes unless you've got scotch bros scotch broth maybe so that's very exotic no I
15:59I haven't got a small tin I'll only have a large tin oh well I can't cut them in
16:05half maybe it all the flops out you see tell you what I will do I'll sell you
16:12one large tin and I'll only charge you for the two small tins I don't know whether I
16:26ought to take a tin of luncheon meat is it on your list yes
16:46but I crossed it out
17:39you're a lovely mover
17:46we've all got to move with the times mr. Ark right we really ought to try out some of our
17:53new
17:53inspirational you don't care about me up here feed you and clothe you don't I
18:12yeah send me out dressed like this on an antique shop boy oh it's like a grand little machinist
18:17up doesn't do much my sporting image though does it other people my age have little sports cars
18:22listen a little sport
18:24damage to that of a van driver with your bike didn't you yeah well you don't care about me
18:29you go to too fast on that of a bike Granville only excitement I get in my life is a
18:33little bit of
18:33speed if I hadn't been there you'd been savage by an inspirational toilet roll owner wouldn't you
18:39hey a thought for today on every leaf oh I bet he was having a few thoughts for the day
18:45himself
18:45you know I had to abide her two dozen of these to cool him down what am I going to
18:50do with her two
18:51dozen inspirational toilet rolls and I don't I don't want any earthy suggestions from you
18:58Cinderella come on get that wood down the cellar or you'll never go to the ball go
19:03I have to open the trap I got me hands full you've got your hands full I've got my hands
19:08full with you
19:09as a speed crazed Hungarian like you come on there's no variety in my life look you're going down the
19:15cellar how much excitement do you want in a day I don't know why we ever got rid of the
19:20van you do
19:21know why we got rid of the van yes I know why because you couldn't get to sleep every time
19:26I
19:26put the price of petrol up anyway if I'm gonna have to keep riding that shop bike I'm gonna get
19:30it done
19:31up I get myself a few accessories that's what I'm gonna get listen clear that cellar out what while
19:39you're down there will you and if you find a rusty old lamp for God's sake don't rub it
19:49hello Mavis back again on second thoughts mr. outright I think I'll take the other brand are you
19:55sure Mavis yes I made me mind up goodness you do seem very sure of yourself have you been having
20:02a
20:03little nip at the sherry again it changes me old personality shopping becomes a completely new
20:08experience oh you know do you think I will go through the warehouse and get you an exchange of
20:13packet and while I'm gone please try and keep your eyes off for that little display of inspirational
20:18toilet rolls which is already so spoken for you see you know if it was me I would let you
20:23have
20:23some but it is impossible oh yes but then you don't tempt yourself love hi-ho I'm talking to you
20:39can you hear me
20:48hey is anybody there where's he John he's in the warehouse huh who's that they call me Mavis oh hello
21:01Mavis
21:07if that's no good we've only got my brand X left mr. outright I heard a little voice oh can
21:13I suppose
21:13it told you to change back to the other detergent did it no no no oh it said hello Mavis
21:20did it hello
21:23oh hello Mavis is that what he said oh well that sounds a most friendly it it doesn't appear to
21:30everyone you know I think you're in luck who could it be mr. outright we've made exhaustive inquiries
21:36and the only conclusion that we can reach is that it is the spirit of some of their Victorian shopkeeper
21:42who likes to keep his finger on the pulse of trade his finger yeah that was only my metaphorical Mavis
21:49nothing you need to tell your husband about no you'll be all right but but this particular spirit
21:53seems to seem to have a very good eye for a good quality buy if you see what I mean
21:58now if you
21:59are fortunate enough to hear him recommend today's best buy then I would not hesitate I'll tell you
22:05what the best place to stand to hear the voice is about about about there all right Mavis now shut
22:12your eyes and care to concentrate that's the idea speak oh experience one what in your opinion is today's the
22:27best buy
22:28fig biscuits speak again that is
22:36what
22:39did he say Mavis it sounded like fig biscuits and that's what I thought he said well that is
22:45one of my today's best bargains, that is.
22:47Hey, turn round again. He's coming through with
22:49something else. Go on.
22:52Inspirational
22:53toilet roll.
22:57Louder,
22:58Sir Jasper.
23:00Inspirational
23:01toilet roll.
23:03Oh, that's it. And how many
23:05should the lady buy in order
23:07to ensure good luck?
23:09A two.
23:11Oh, wow!
23:15How many?
23:17Oh, well, well,
23:19two, well.
23:21Twelve. I see. Thank you.
23:23Thank you, old Victorian shopkeeper.
23:26Over and out.
23:28Well, Mavis,
23:29that's two lucky buys you were
23:31given today. I say.
23:33Now,
23:42mind how you go.
23:45Oh, you won't need to.
23:46Now, you can go as often as you like.
23:52With those pig biscuits,
23:54you'll need that one.
23:59You shouldn't pull a leg like that.
24:02Oh, you can't afford the scruples
24:04when you've overbought an inspirational
24:05toilet rolls.
24:07Now, let's see.
24:07That's a 12 down and a 12 to go.
24:10Oh, hey, can I have a bun?
24:12Of course you can have a bun.
24:13More than enough.
24:15Have I ever deprived you of anything?
24:17Only a satisfactory love life.
24:20Well, eat your bun.
24:24All right, are they?
24:25Mmm.
24:26Lovely.
24:27I didn't think you'd let me have one.
24:28Oh, Granville,
24:29you wound me at times,
24:31you know.
24:32Oh, yeah, like when?
24:33Well, the time I sat on your bicycle
24:35clips springs to mind.
24:37How's the cream?
24:38Is it nice in those?
24:40Mmm, lovely.
24:41I, er,
24:42I'm not really mean to you,
24:44am I?
24:44No, not to me.
24:45To everybody.
24:48That's just a fair
24:49facade, that is.
24:51Remember,
24:51I've brought you up
24:52from this eye.
24:53Admittedly,
24:54not very far.
24:56Oh, I don't need to rub it in.
24:57I know I'm too small
24:58for elegant women.
24:59Yes, but look on the bright side, lad.
25:02You're just the right size
25:03for a nicer shop bike,
25:04aren't you, Ed?
25:05Here,
25:06you're getting all sticky here.
25:07Have a,
25:07have a piece of this here, Al.
25:09You're being very agreeable today.
25:11Well,
25:12a little thoughtfulness
25:13never comes amiss.
25:14Is that what it says there?
25:15No,
25:16no, I said that.
25:18No, here it says
25:19a thought for today.
25:20Don't forget that
25:21yesterday
25:22was the tomorrow
25:23you worried about
25:24the day before yesterday.
25:29I don't get that.
25:30No.
25:31Well, you get that,
25:32here.
25:32Wipe your hands.
25:33That'll be the 50p
25:34exactly, please.
25:37Well, just for one bun?
25:39No, no,
25:39and the toilet roll
25:40as well.
25:41Don't moan,
25:42I've knocked
25:42the 5p off for you.
25:44At least that's
25:45a lovely roll,
25:46that is.
25:46You can stick
25:47a bit of cheese
25:48in there,
25:48it'll be lovely.
25:49Now, there we are,
25:50one pound of 50p
25:51to take.
25:52There we go.
25:54You wouldn't get
25:55this sort of
25:55economic training
25:56anywhere.
26:04Shall I close
26:05the trap door
26:05or will you
26:06put up with the draft?
26:22Give me your hand.
26:24Not there.
26:29Well, you have to
26:30make allowances
26:31for shock,
26:31you know.
26:32When I'm with you,
26:33I know all about shock.
26:34You give me half a dozen
26:35driving home
26:36from the surgery.
26:37I was only
26:38holding your knee
26:39for luck.
26:40Well, your luck
26:41ran out,
26:42didn't it?
26:42It did.
26:44And I never thought
26:45you'd hit a cripple.
26:47Especially there
26:48at a busy junction.
26:50Put your arm
26:51round me neck.
26:51Oh, right.
26:52Oh!
26:55Oh!
26:57Oh!
26:58Oh!
26:59What are you doing?
27:01Get quiet.
27:01I'll think of something.
27:03Is he having a fit?
27:05Well, I'm game
27:06if she is.
27:07Oh!
27:07Help me get him
27:08to his feet.
27:10Fighting off
27:11a gang of pickpockets.
27:12Give me your hand, then.
27:13Give me your hand, then.
27:14Come on.
27:15There.
27:16Oh!
27:18All right.
27:19All right.
27:21How is his leg?
27:22Oh, he'll be all right.
27:24It's his hands
27:24that ought to be in plaster.
27:27Look at him.
27:28He can't wait
27:29to get inside
27:29and make sure
27:30I've not ruined
27:31his business
27:31while he's been away.
27:33He thought about you.
27:35Did he?
27:37While he was still
27:38drowsy from the anaesthetic.
27:40No.
27:41Go on.
27:43Did he?
27:45Ring our grand,
27:47Billy said.
27:48And see if he's
27:49sold them other
27:49twelve toilet rolls.
27:59I'll get closed up
28:00and give Nurse
28:01Gladys Emanuel a ring.
28:03I'm a bona fide patient now.
28:06I wonder what
28:07a state-registered nurse
28:09would do
28:09for twelve
28:10inspirational toilet rolls.
28:14I hope our
28:15Granville's not
28:16going to be out
28:17too late.
28:18Up to his
28:19Hungarian tricks.
28:21Oh, Lord,
28:22if you're listening,
28:23keep him away
28:24from expensive women.
28:27Especially that
28:28lockdown
28:29where he keeps
28:29losing his
28:30bicycle clips.
28:33Oh, and P.S.
28:35Lord,
28:36remind our
28:37Granville in future
28:38to keep his
28:38traps shut.
28:39Thank you very much.
28:44Thank you very much.
28:52Thank you very much.
28:56Thank you very much.
28:59Thank you very much.
29:00Thank you very much.
29:00Thank you very much.
29:00Thank you very much.
29:00Thank you very much.
29:01Thank you very much.
29:03Thank you very much.
29:04Thank you very much.