- 2 hours ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:04The End
00:35that reminds me of Granville
00:37I must reorder them
00:38their bottled plums
00:40they're going very well at the moment
00:44they're victorious aren't they
00:48no they're Stephanie's
01:07low mean ballasts
01:14periscope
01:18steers 094
01:20094 sir
01:21okay make a signal to the fleet
01:24I'm progressing against impossible odds
01:28stop wounds terrible but still photogenic
01:32stop I'm engaging the enemy stop
01:36love to Lady Amanda stop
01:39all right dive dive dive
01:44I think they're firing depth charges at you sir
01:54excuse me commander
01:57have you finished stacking them tomatoes stop
02:01it's not quite what I had in mind
02:03you know for the first volume of me live story
02:06tomato stacker
02:08no it's gonna be really nice that isn't it
02:11there'll be me standing there in me white tuxedo
02:13with a red rose in my lapel
02:15and I'll be swanning into the casino at Monty
02:17and there'll be this hush
02:19and a whisper will be running around the great salon
02:22Mon dieu that is him that is Granville
02:24he's a tomato stacker
02:27would you rather it was cheese biscuits
02:30would you rather be a cream cracker stacker
02:33youth is passing me by
02:35life keeps poking me with his finger
02:38yes your mother had the same problem
02:41reminding me Granville that he's not the pullover of a hunter killer
02:46that hunter killer pullover was knitted for you with a very reasonable by Mrs. Tattersall
02:52she was a compulsive knitter was Mrs. Tattersall
02:55her fingers used to move like a flock of sparrows
02:59must have bestowed untold the benefits on my Mr. Tattersall
03:05he was never without a smug air of satisfaction in his warm woolly jumpers
03:10admit it look these are not the trousers of an ace of the space race
03:15no and you keep them that way
03:17I don't want anyone to erase him for the space in your trousers
03:21I just look uncombed
03:24not my hair it's the rest of me that looks like it's just rolled out of bed
03:28I'm just not streamline
03:29well you're not wearing your cycle clips
03:33what a drag factor of a bingo hall
03:36yes there's a lot being dragged round the back of that bingo hall
03:39I'm supposed to be an executive
03:42I've told a certain young lady that I am an executive
03:44if she's so certain why are you giving her a pack of lies
03:47it's not a pack of lies
03:49you said I was under manager
03:50you know when I asked for that raise
03:52you said instead I could be under manager
03:54well yeah you are
03:56we're well under
04:00if I'm supposed to be an executive
04:02I should dress like an executive
04:04look never mind being so Hungarian and balshi
04:08go and answer that bell
04:10what's balshi?
04:11balshi is short for bolshevik
04:15what's bolshevik?
04:16bolshevik is a Russian for Hungarian
04:18now get on with it
04:36good morning
04:40oh it's a dusty bin
04:45good day to you sir
04:47and
04:48a very good day it is
04:51how can you sell them things if they won't stand still?
04:55you are I take it
04:57the proprietor of this thriving establishment?
05:00well I
05:03he's gone again
05:04I hope he's not selling yo-yos
05:14got him
05:17my card sir
05:19oh yes
05:21well it's obvious that this is a very thriving establishment
05:24but
05:25are you sure there isn't something you've not yet caught up with?
05:30something
05:30something which with constant use
05:33could transform your shopkeeper's life
05:36and give you that confidence that comes from always being on top of things
05:40oh yes there is
05:41there is
05:42yeah
05:42lives across the road
05:43he's called Gladys Emmanuel
05:47have you tried what's available these days in the latest technology?
05:50I don't think that's a question one gentleman ought to ask another is
05:56have you tried
05:57this
05:59superb
05:59super little cleaner
06:01little?
06:02that?
06:02in any communist country
06:04there are three families that be living in that
06:07oh come sir
06:08when you consider the power that that produces
06:10that is a marvel of miniaturization
06:12yes that's what they said about my little uncle Dudley you know
06:15didn't stop him slipping down the drain did it?
06:19that is a byproduct of the American Moon Project
06:22now just a minute sir
06:24since when has it been an American Moon?
06:27what part of the world are you from?
06:30Hattercliffe
06:31oh Hattercliffe
06:32oh well that explains it doesn't it
06:33in this particular little backwater sir
06:35it happens to still be known as the Yorkshire Moon
06:38people set their black puddings by it
06:43unmarried maidens dance by the light of it in clogs and shawl
06:47whiff its turn unaccountably restless
06:50you what?
06:51maidens still wearing clogs and shawls come off it
06:54oh yes okay clogs and shawls can just still be found
06:57it's the maidens are getting a bit thin on the ground
07:01or rather plump on the ground
07:03we are an area heavy in calories you see
07:06mainly on account of our delicious local products
07:09now for instance have you ever tried one of these wonderful paper pork pies?
07:14all that is not paper pie is paper pork
07:17and all that is not paper pork is paper pie
07:21so that's where p-p-p-p-p-fifty percent paper pork
07:25and a pair p-and a pair p-and a pair p-and a pair p-and a pair p
07:28-and a pair p-and a pair p-well
07:28you can work it out for yourself don't you?
07:32delicious I'm sure
07:33yes
07:33but have you ever considered the victor vac?
07:37the super all-purpose commercial cleaner?
07:40he comes in here and tries to sell to me?
07:43yes I do sir
07:45I intend to sell you one of these truly remarkable machines
07:49all right then
07:50all right then go on then
07:51have a go
07:52I like a challenge
07:54but before we start
07:5673p for the pie
08:00thank you
08:01I'll just wrap it for you
08:31I'll do Granville
08:35you're an executive
08:36well you told me you were an executive
08:40I am
08:41I am an executive
08:43honestly Stephanie
08:44I am an executive
08:45I'm just road testing the shop bike
08:48for my assistant
08:59who was that widow that just went past?
09:03Stephanie with a PH
09:05with a PH eh?
09:07yes I can see it from here
09:10I just moved here
09:11she works in the boutique
09:13music all day
09:14and miniskirts
09:16as far as the eye can reach
09:19it's all I've ever wanted
09:20you know
09:20for Christmas
09:21was a Stephanie
09:22with a PH
09:24you'll get one
09:25one of these days
09:26what
09:27dressed like this?
09:28you'll get a nice girl
09:30I know
09:31that's what I'm afraid of
09:32it's all I'm fit for
09:33dressed like this
09:49so what's that
09:50errand boy
09:51they're doing
09:52down your blouse
09:54come on Granville
09:55out of the undergrowth
09:56go on
09:59it's time you bought
10:00that lad
10:00some decent clothes
10:01he looked pretty well
10:03wrapped up to me
10:04there's a girl
10:05he wants to impress
10:06it's what he was impressing
10:08you just now
10:09I'm worried about
10:10hey
10:11if you want to keep
10:13your ears warm
10:13get a muffler
10:15stop shouting in the street
10:17you're like a big girl
10:18you can talk
10:19listen it's a time of
10:21high turd attention
10:22for me
10:23I'm in there
10:24locked in mortal combat
10:26with the ace salesman
10:27of the Victor Vax
10:28super all purpose
10:29commercial cleaner
10:31well I wish him luck
10:32if he's trying to sell you
10:33something
10:33you've got to admire
10:34his recklessness
10:36he's hot stuff
10:37is him
10:38it's no time
10:39for me to be
10:40looking out the window
10:41and seeing my fiance
10:42covered in
10:43said sticky errand boy
10:44oh I'm going to work
10:46I haven't time
10:47to be standing here
10:47with middle aged gropers
10:50grocers
10:51how's that
10:52for a Freudian slip
10:54I'll be over late
10:55if her
10:55for a bit of supper
10:56you might be lucky
10:58oh good
10:59then afterwards
11:00we can have
11:01a bit of supper
11:19Ro Qui
11:20I'll be over late
11:21to be over late
11:22muley
11:23tl
11:23a
11:28tl
11:29tl
11:31a
11:32a
11:32tl
11:34tl
11:35tl
11:37tl
11:39tl
11:40tl
11:41tl
11:41tl
11:53Oh, my God.
12:13Yes.
12:43Yes.
13:31Will there be anything more, Mrs Bickerdite?
13:33No, that's all, thank you.
13:34That'll be £3.78, please.
13:38How's Mr Bickerdite?
13:40Oh, about the same.
13:41Stupid.
13:42Yes.
13:43Well, it's nice to know some things don't change, isn't it?
13:47And how's your Granville?
13:49Oh, we all have our problems.
13:52He sometimes has a wild look in his eyes.
13:54I told him, I blame them jockey shorts, you know.
13:59I've said to him, they're all right for jockeys.
14:02He's at a funny age.
14:04I had nothing but trouble with mine at that age.
14:07I had nothing but trouble with yours at that age.
14:11They used to do it in my doorway.
14:14Do what?
14:14Well, whatever it is they were doing.
14:16I used to find the fag-fagons and the toffee papers.
14:21Discarded bits of under clothing.
14:24Canary seed.
14:25Makes you think there's a canary seed.
14:27I used to say to him, hit him.
14:29You're there, father.
14:30Hit him.
14:31He was too damned idle.
14:34If we'd only had three or four, it might have been different.
14:37But seven?
14:38He used to say, who the hell's got time to go round eating seven?
14:42He never really put his back into anything.
14:44Oh, I wouldn't say that.
14:48Seven children.
14:49All right.
14:50You don't want the Victor back.
14:53But you are going to fall for this little beauty.
14:55Hey, that's him.
14:56Yes, he's in and out of here a lot of times.
14:58He buys a lot of groceries, actually.
15:03An air humidifier.
15:05Every shopkeeper's premises needs the benefits of an efficient air humidifier.
15:09And this is a little cracker.
15:11And I am the ace salesman of the Victor back company who's going to convince you.
15:15Well, don't stand there with the door open.
15:17Bring in your air humidifier.
15:19You're causing a draught.
15:28containment.
15:29Find...
15:44Shepherd.
15:46You're becoming the other one.
15:46Got noliamo.
15:46We've never done that one.하기.
15:48Feed me
15:48cute. Jesus told
15:48tonight. How is
15:49this his family deliveries? He fell
15:50back with the meteorologist. Of course.
15:58You've been
15:58using yourself to the sky.
16:02Oh, hello, old thing.
16:07Must dash.
16:13Granville?
16:17I shouldn't have believed it were you.
16:20Oh, it's me all right.
16:22Just trotting back from an executive meeting.
16:26God, these interminable meetings.
16:28Is that your old bike?
16:30Eh?
16:32My old bike?
16:34Oh, what would I be doing with an old thing like that, eh?
16:41Well, what are you doing round here, then?
16:47Oh, I'm waiting for a taxi.
16:49Yes, it's unbelievable the trouble one has to go to to taxi!
16:54Find a cab.
16:55Hey, I suppose you must find the same.
16:57Hmm, yes.
16:58In my experience, you can never find a cab in this town.
17:03Oh, look, there's one.
17:08Good heavens.
17:11Don't look very safe to me.
17:14Looks all right to me.
17:18Oh, well.
17:21Must push.
17:30Arkwright's Executive Stores.
17:33I'll show you the way.
17:50You work your tongue to the bone.
17:53I should have stayed in bed.
18:01I'm up at seven, shaving.
18:03Clean shirt every morning.
18:06Shoes.
18:07Polished.
18:18Green anchor in me tuck pocket.
18:23Diploma from the College of Salesmanship.
18:29And then you meet some rocker, pillock like that.
18:41Hey!
18:42Oh!
18:42Oh!
18:43Hey!
18:44You get worse!
18:45I don't get anything.
18:48I very rarely get past evil intentions, do I?
18:52Supposing someone were to come in and find you rolling me about behind the counter?
18:56Well, then, why not?
18:57I should think things have come to a pretty passive tobacconist who can't roll his own.
19:03Anyway, you're a medical person.
19:06We could say it was an emergency.
19:08It damn near was an emergency.
19:11Well, well.
19:13Casanova, you're just about to get your comeuppance.
19:15Here comes your other woman.
19:18What?
19:18The black widow?
19:20She's not coming heruppance in here.
19:23Hide me, hide me, hide me.
19:26Oh, not alone, Arkwright.
19:30You're a hard man to catch alone.
19:33I'm just going.
19:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:35She's just going after she's had a look at my leg.
19:38What's wrong with your leg?
19:39Oh, I've got this horrible leg.
19:41And numerous matching accessories.
19:43I always thought you'd seem very fit for your age.
19:47No, it's just a bluff, that.
19:49I try to put a good face on things.
19:52I can't believe you're unsound fundamentally.
19:54Well, no, maybe not fundamentally, no.
19:57Oh, me fundament's fine.
20:00Always struck me as a tower of economy.
20:02Such a powerful grip on life and money.
20:05I've always held you up as an example to the entire area.
20:09Say what you like about Arkwright,
20:10but there's nobody can hold a candle to him
20:12when it comes to being mean.
20:15You've noticed.
20:16Mean, mean, mean?
20:17Why don't you look for someone of similar tastes
20:20who could devote her entire life
20:22to the welfare of your bad leg?
20:25Well, I'm off.
20:26Hey.
20:26Watch your blood pressure.
20:27Hey, no, don't off, don't.
20:29And mind your bad leg.
20:32Oh, I'm, no, I'm a spendthrift.
20:34I'm a rare, reckless with money.
20:36I'm known as the playboy of the Grocers' Federation.
20:39Oh, not you.
20:40Never you.
20:41Oh, I've been in a centrefold twice.
20:43Yes, if I playgrocer of the month,
20:45I was on a bed of lettuce like that.
20:49Could I have two pounds for a taxi?
20:53Two pounds?
20:54Two pounds for a taxi?
20:56Yes, yes, well, why not?
20:58Help yourself.
20:59Help yourself from the till, lad.
21:01Go on.
21:02Day to you, Mrs Featherstone.
21:04You're not sending your errand boys by taxi now, are you?
21:07Yes, well, why not?
21:10It's all me money.
21:11Well, I never thought I'd live to see the day.
21:13Well, there you are then, you see.
21:16Easy come, easy go.
21:22I'm wasting my time in here.
21:24You're obviously not yourself.
21:26You're obviously going through some male, middle-aged cash flow crisis
21:30which has temporarily turned your head.
21:33I'll come back when your sanity's returned.
21:38Why are you dressing him like an executive?
21:41I'm going to execute him in the morning.
21:45I've been telling you, dear, taxi.
21:47He's been wearing a hairball or a rat.
21:50I'll kill him.
21:52I'll kill him.
21:53If that doesn't kill me first.
21:58he said what about the tip oh if he wants a tip there's a send him in here they will
22:08give him
22:09that they're a tip if you're home for a lap evening good evening a young missy you didn't see a
22:25lad
22:26wearing a funny after riding a bike did you no I don't think so no never mind what can I
22:32help you
22:32to spend actually I'd like to see your superior where my superior my my superior where what I'm
22:41sport for choice your employer my whom Granville the young executive in charge the chief person here
22:50oh that employer oh yes yes I'm afraid he I'm afraid he's out at the moment just to repossessing
22:59a little bit at a transport as a matter of fact well I'm expecting him back any moment in fact
23:04I
23:04can hardly wait I said I'd probably find his faithful old assistant behind the counter oh
23:09to ask for the executive in charge personally oh really I see and what else did he say this little
23:15executive supremo well oh he says he gets on tremendously well with his staff oh oh he's
23:22had some of you for years he says you all love him oh we do we do we can we
23:27call him a little father
23:29you know that's lovely little father yes on account of his hobby hobby well he's Hungarian they did
23:37didn't he tell you that that might give you some idea what I'll be oh here he comes down look
23:42here
23:42back from his little fathering there he is hello Stephanie hello did you manage to get it back all right
23:53so the
23:53the transport just oh it's all right it's around the back oh very good say it's all present and
23:59correct is it no damage is there sir upholstery it wing mirror a pump bell it's all right oh very
24:08good sir very good sir I never knew you were Hungarian oh who let that little secret out here your
24:15assistant is just been
24:16telling me yes I hope I did didn't speak out of turn excellency no no no that's all right old
24:23chap
24:25actually Granville I was wondering if you'd care to walk me home I come across some very funny people
24:30on my way home sometimes yeah yeah you will tonight certainly certainly certainly Stephanie I'll just slip
24:37out of this executive finery and put on something racy but cool you know we might want to drop into
24:43a bar
24:44somewhere for the cocktails my my way and the night is young isn't it well I've got to be up
24:51quite early
24:52yes and not as early as a young mr. Granville no no I only need a couple of hours sleep
24:58yes you can get them during the day as usual thank you I can't be long will you be all
25:04right here with
25:05um this old reprobate yes yes take your time thank you and while you're gone your assistant here can tell
25:12me all about you no no don't you take any notice of him no yes you just behave yourself Albert
25:32that's right little father to take your time you can't beat her Hungarian feet for speed you know
25:38you should have seen his father leaving his mother I'm terribly sorry I was a leaning on the counter
25:45there for a moment it's all go being of a faithful old assistant you know how does he come to
25:51be half
25:52Hungarian well his mother was learning the language and she she forgot the word for no
25:59oh well don't suppose it need make any difference in being half Hungarian to us I mean us oh you
26:06mean us oh
26:07it does it makes a difference what kind of difference I don't think I ought to tell you
26:13really I think you should warn me if there's something I ought to know oh but I mean is it
26:18proper me being a faithful old assistant yes proper it's proper on the other hand why
26:22should I keep quiet when his wife and kids never stop rabbiting about
26:29kids oh seven seven yes and three sixteenths it says here I must get that fixed I don't know
26:40what's the battle with it now I don't want you to treat him or judge him too harshly I'll kill
26:46him
26:46if he comes near me again yes well that doesn't sound too harsh I blame the goulash you know I
26:54think
26:55if I'd been my brought up knee-deep in goulash I might have had a seven kids
26:58myself deceitful monkey yeah of course fortunately being a true northerner I
27:03was brought up on bread and dripping which as we all know is a fine antidote
27:08against any of the wildest of the senses yeah when it comes down give him that
27:22okay let's hear it for grandma let's hear it for these snappy threads
27:30tonight it's go man go I think I'll let the old boy close early and then go home to his
27:35lonely bed
27:39where is she where where's Steph
27:55you've done it again haven't you eh you've really screwed it up for me what did you do to her
28:00just a bit of faithful oldest assistanting oh dear I'll never get anything right do I
28:09I thought she was the one I thought she had everything
28:12the moment I saw her I knew she wasn't right for you she's no education
28:20she's spelt it a two-timing little creep with a K
28:28it's been a funny day working for Granville
28:32I'll say this for a young executive he's very easily led you just grab the chain round his neck
28:39and pull him along by his dangler still if you can't dangle when you're young when can you dangle
28:47and the first correct answer to that wins a holiday for two in nurse Gladys's bedroom
28:54oh she's like a drug that woman not freely available except for medicinal purposes
29:03still who knows one day I may be able to get her over the counter
29:08thank you