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00:30That reminds me of Granville. I must reorder them bottled plums.
00:35They're going very well at the moment.
00:39They're victorious, aren't they?
00:42No, they're Stephanie's.
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01:02Hello, main ballast.
01:08Oh, periscope.
01:13Steer 094.
01:15094, sir.
01:17OK, make a signal to the fleet.
01:20I'm progressing against impossible odds.
01:23Stop.
01:24Wounds, terrible, but still photogenic.
01:27Stop.
01:29I'm engaging the enemy.
01:31Stop.
01:31Love to Lady Amanda.
01:33Stop.
01:34All right.
01:35Dive, dive, dive.
01:40I think they're firing death charges at us, sir.
01:49Excuse me, Commander.
01:51Have you finished stacking them tomatoes?
01:54Stop.
01:55It's not quite what I had in mind.
01:58You know, for the first volume of me live story.
02:01Tomatoes stacker.
02:03No.
02:04It's going to be really nice, that is, isn't it?
02:05There'll be me standing there in me white tuxedo with a red rose in my lapel,
02:09and I'll be swanning into the casino at Monty,
02:12and there'll be this hush,
02:13and a whisper will be running round the great salon.
02:16Oh, mon dieu, that is him, that is Granville.
02:19He's a tomato stacker.
02:22Would you rather it was cheese biscuits?
02:24Would you rather be a cream cracker stacker?
02:28Youth is passing me by.
02:31Life keeps poking me with its finger.
02:33Yes, your mother had the same problem.
02:36Reminding me, Granville, that he's not the pullover of a hunter-killer.
02:41That hunter-killer pullover was knitted for you
02:44with a very reasonable by Mrs. Tattersall.
02:47She was a compulsive knitter, was Mrs. Tattersall.
02:50Her fingers used to move like a flock of sparrows.
02:54Must have bestowed untold the benefits on my Mr. Tattersall.
02:59He was never without a smug air of satisfaction
03:02in his warm woolly jumpers.
03:05Admit it.
03:05Look, these are not the trousers of an ace of the space race.
03:09No, and you keep them that way.
03:11I don't want anyone to erase him for the space in your trousers.
03:16I just look uncombed.
03:19Not my hair.
03:20It's the rest of me that looks like it's just rolled out of bed.
03:22I'm just not streamlined.
03:25Well, you're not wearing your cycle clips.
03:28What a drag factor of a bingo hall.
03:31Yes, there's a lot being that drag round the back of that bingo hall.
03:34I'm supposed to be an executive.
03:36I've told a certain young lady that I am an executive.
03:39If she's so certain, why are you giving her a pack of lies?
03:42It's not a pack of lies.
03:44You said I was under-manager.
03:45You know, when I asked for that raise,
03:47you said instead I could be under-manager.
03:49Well, yeah, you are.
03:51We're well under.
03:54If I'm supposed to be an executive,
03:56I should dress like an executive.
03:59Look, never mind being so Hungarian and Bolshe.
04:02Go and answer that bell.
04:04What's Bolshe?
04:06Bolshe is short for Bolshevik.
04:09What's Bolshevik?
04:11Bolshevik is a Russian for Hungarian.
04:13Now, get on with it.
04:30Oh, it's a dusty bin.
04:40A good day to you, sir.
04:42And a very good day, it is.
04:46How can you sell them things if they won't stand still?
04:50You are, I take it,
04:51the proprietor of this thriving establishment?
04:55Well, I...
04:57He's gone again.
04:59I hope he's not selling yo-yos.
05:09Got him.
05:12My card, sir?
05:14Oh, yes.
05:15Well, it's obvious that this is a very thriving establishment,
05:19but are you sure there isn't something you've not yet caught up with?
05:24Something...
05:25Something which, with constant use,
05:28could transform your shopkeeper's life
05:31and give you that confidence
05:32that comes from always being on top of things?
05:34Oh, yes, there is, there is, yes.
05:37Lives across the road.
05:38He's called Gladys Emanuel.
05:41Have you tried what's available these days in the latest technology?
05:45I don't think that's a question one gentleman ought to ask another, is it?
05:51Have you tried this superb, super little cleaner?
05:56Little?
05:57That in any communist country.
05:59There are three families that be living in that.
06:02Oh, come, sir.
06:03When you consider the power that that produces,
06:05that is a marvel of miniaturisation.
06:07Yes, that's what they said about my little Uncle Dudley, you know.
06:10Didn't stop him, sir, slipping down the drain, did it?
06:13That is a by-product of the American Moon Project.
06:17Now, just a minute, sir.
06:19Since when has it been an American moon?
06:21What part of the world are you from?
06:25Hattercliffe.
06:26Oh, Hattercliffe.
06:26Oh, well, that explains it, doesn't it?
06:28In this particular little backwater, sir, it happens to still be known as the Yorkshire Moon.
06:33People set their black puddings by it.
06:37Unmarried maidens dance by the light of it in clogs and shawl.
06:42Whip it to an unaccountably restless...
06:45What?
06:46Maidens still wearing clogs and shawls?
06:48Come off it.
06:49Oh, yes, clogs and shawls, can you still be found?
06:52It's the maidens are getting a bit thin on the ground.
06:56Or rather, they're plump on the ground.
06:58We are an area heavy in calories, you see.
07:01Mainly on account of our delicious local products.
07:04Now, for instance, have you ever tried one of these wonderful pepper pork pies?
07:08All that is not pepper pie is pepper pork.
07:12And all that is not pepper pork is pepper pie.
07:16So that's where 50% pepper pork.
07:20And pepper...
07:21And pepper...
07:22And pepper...
07:23Well, you can work it out for yourself.
07:27Delicious, I'm sure.
07:28Yes.
07:28But have you ever considered the Victorvac?
07:32The super all-purpose commercial cleaner?
07:34He comes in here and tries to sell to me?
07:38Yes, I do, sir.
07:39I intend to sell you one of these truly remarkable machines.
07:44All right, then.
07:45All right, then.
07:45Go on, then.
07:46Have a go.
07:47I like a challenge.
07:49But before we start, 73p for the pie.
07:56I'll just wrap it for you.
08:25I'll do Granville.
08:29Oh, you're an executive.
08:31Well, you told me you were an executive.
08:34I am.
08:35I am an executive.
08:38Honestly, Stephanie, I am an executive.
08:41I'm just road-testing the shop bike for my assistant.
08:54Who was that widow that just went past?
08:57Stephanie with a PH.
09:00With a PH, eh?
09:02Yes, I can see it from here.
09:04I just moved here.
09:05She works in the boutique.
09:07Music all day.
09:10And miniskirts as far as the eye can reach.
09:13It's all I've ever wanted, you know, for Christmas, was a Stephanie with a PH.
09:18You'll get one, one of these days.
09:21What, dressed like this?
09:23You'll get a nice girl.
09:25I know, I know, that's what I'm afraid of.
09:27It's all I'm just dressed like this.
09:44So what's that errand boy there doing down your blouse?
09:49Come on, Granville, out of the undergrowth.
09:51Go on.
09:53It's time you bought that lad some decent clothes.
09:56He looked pretty well wrapped up to me.
09:59There's a girl he wants to impress.
10:01It's what he was impressing you just now I'm worried about.
10:05Hey, if you want to keep your ears warm, get a muffler.
10:10Stop shouting in the street, you're like a big girl.
10:13You can talk.
10:14Listen, it's a time of high-turt attention for me.
10:18See, I'm in there locked in mortal combat with the ace salesman of the Victorvac Super
10:23All-Purpose Commercial Cleaner.
10:25Well, I wish him luck.
10:27If he's trying to sell you something, you've got to admire his recklessness.
10:31He's hot stuff, is him?
10:33It's no time for me to be looking out the window and seeing my fiancé covered in said sticky errand
10:38boy.
10:39Oh, I'm going to work.
10:41I haven't time to be standing here with middle-aged gropers.
10:45Grossers.
10:45How's that for a Freudian slip?
10:49I'll be over late with her for a bit of supper.
10:51You might be lucky.
10:53Oh, good.
10:54Then afterwards we can have a bit of supper.
10:56I'll be over.
11:04Humming...
11:19Humming...
11:21Humming...
11:22Humming...
11:23Humming...
11:24Humming...
11:36Oh, my God.
11:56Oh, my God.
12:27Oh, my God.
12:57Oh, my God.
13:10Oh, my God.
13:34Oh, about the same. Stupid.
13:37Yes, well, it's nice to know some things that don't change, isn't it?
13:41Yeah.
13:42And how's your Granville?
13:43Oh, we all have our problems.
13:46He sometimes has a wild look in his eye.
13:49Yeah, I told him, I blame them jockey shorts, you know.
13:54I've said to him, they're all right for jockeys.
13:57He's at a funny age.
13:59I had nothing but trouble with mine at that age.
14:02I had nothing but trouble with yours at that age.
14:06They used to do it in my doorway.
14:08Do what?
14:09Well, whatever it is, they were to do it.
14:11I used to find the fagons and the toffee papers and discarding bits of underclothing, canary seed.
14:20Makes you think there's a canary seed.
14:22I used to say to him, hit him, you're there, father, hit him.
14:26He were too damned idle.
14:28If we'd only had three or four, it might have been different.
14:31But seven, he used to say, who the hell's got time to go round eating seven?
14:36He never really put his back into anything.
14:39Oh, I wouldn't say that.
14:42Seven children.
14:44All right, you don't want the Victor back.
14:47But you are going to fall for this little beauty.
14:50Hey, that's him.
14:51Yes, he's in and out of here a lot of times.
14:53He buys a lot of groceries, actually.
14:57An air humidifier.
15:00Every shopkeeper's premises needs the benefits of an efficient air humidifier.
15:04And this is a little cracker.
15:05And I am the ace salesman of the Victor back company who's going to convince you.
15:09Well, don't stand there with the door open.
15:12Bring in your air humidifier.
15:14You're causing a draught.
15:17Oh.
15:56Oh, hello, old thing.
16:02Must dash.
16:08Granville?
16:12I shouldn't have believed it were you.
16:14Oh, it's me, all right.
16:16Yes.
16:17Just trotting back from an executive meeting.
16:20God, these interminable meetings.
16:23Is that your old bike?
16:25Eh?
16:27My old bike?
16:28Oh, what would I be doing with an old thing like that, eh?
16:36Well, er...
16:37What are you doing round here, then?
16:41Oh, I'm waiting for a taxi.
16:44Yes, it's unbelievable the trouble one has to go to, to taxi!
16:48Find a cab.
16:50Hey, I suppose you must find the same.
16:52Hmm, yes.
16:53In my experience, you can never find a cab in this town.
17:00Look, there's one.
17:03Good heavens.
17:06Don't look very safe to me.
17:08Looks all right to me.
17:13Oh, well.
17:16Must push.
17:25Arkwright's Executive Stores.
17:28I'll show you the way.
17:45You work your tongue to the bone.
17:48I should have stayed in bed.
17:55I'm up at seven.
17:57Shaving.
17:58Clean shirt every morning.
18:01Shoes.
18:02Polished.
18:12Green anky in me tuck pocket.
18:18Diploma from the College of Salesmanship.
18:24And then you meet some...
18:26rock-hard pillock like that.
18:35Hey!
18:37Oh!
18:37Oh, hey!
18:38You get worse!
18:40I don't get anything.
18:43I very rarely get past evil intentions, do I?
18:46Supposing someone were to come in and find you rolling me about behind the counter?
18:50Well, then, why not?
18:52I should think things have come to a pretty passive tobacconist who can't roll his own.
18:58Anyway, you're a medical person.
19:00We could say it was an emergency.
19:02It damn near was an emergency.
19:04Oh!
19:05Well, well, Casanova, you're just about to get your comeuppance.
19:10What?
19:10Here comes your other woman.
19:12What?
19:13The black widow?
19:15She's not coming heruppance in here.
19:18Hide me, hide me, hide me.
19:21Oh, not alone, Arkwright.
19:25You're a hard man to catch alone.
19:28I'm just going.
19:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:29She's just going after she's had a look at my leg.
19:32What's wrong with your leg?
19:33Oh, I've got this horrible leg.
19:35And numerous matching accessories.
19:38I always thought you seemed very fit for your age.
19:42No, it's just a bluff, that.
19:44I try to put a good face on things.
19:46I can't believe you're unsound fundamentally.
19:49Well, no, maybe not fundamentally, no.
19:52My fundament's fine.
19:54Always struck me as a tower of economy.
19:57Such a powerful grip on life and money.
20:00I've always held you up as an example to the entire area.
20:03Say what you like about Arkwright,
20:05but there's nobody can hold a candle to him
20:07when it comes to being mean.
20:09You've noticed.
20:11Mean, mean, mean?
20:12Why don't you look for someone of similar tastes
20:15who could devote her entire life
20:17to the welfare of your bad leg?
20:20Well, I'm off.
20:21Watch your blood pressure.
20:22Hey, no, don't off, don't.
20:23And mind your bad leg.
20:26No, I'm a spendthrift.
20:29I'm a rare reckless with money.
20:31I'm known as the playboy of the Grocers' Federation.
20:34Oh, not you.
20:35Never you.
20:36Oh, I've been in a centrefold twice.
20:38Yes, if I playgrocer of the month,
20:40I was on a bed of lettuce like that.
20:44Could I have two pounds for a taxi?
20:47Two pounds?
20:48Two pounds for a taxi?
20:51Yes, yes, well, why not?
20:52Help yourself.
20:53Help yourself from the till, lad.
20:55Go on.
20:57Day to you, Mrs Featherstone.
20:58You're not sending your errand boys by taxi now, are you?
21:01Yes, well, why not?
21:04Oh, it's all my money.
21:06Well, I never thought I'd live to see the day.
21:08Well, there you are then, you see.
21:11Easy come, easy go.
21:16I'm wasting my time in here.
21:18You're obviously not yourself.
21:20You're obviously going through some male, middle-aged cash flow crisis
21:25which has temporarily turned your head.
21:28I'll come back when your sanity's returned.
21:33Why are you dressing him like an executive?
21:36I'm going to execute him in the morning.
21:40But, uh, taxi, he's wearing a hairball or a rat.
21:45I'll kill him.
21:46I'll kill him.
21:48If that doesn't kill me first.
21:53He said, um, what about the tip?
21:57Tip?
21:58The tip.
21:59Oh, if he wants a tip,
22:01does he send him in here?
22:02We'll give him the tip of your umbrella.
22:17Evening.
22:18Good evening, young missy.
22:19You didn't see a lad wearing a funny after riding a bike, did you?
22:23No, I don't think so.
22:24Oh, never mind.
22:26What can I help you to spend?
22:27Well, actually, uh, I'd like to see your superior.
22:31My superior?
22:34My superior, uh, what?
22:36I'm for choice.
22:38Your employer?
22:40My, uh, whom?
22:41Granville, the young executive in charge, the chief person here.
22:45Oh, that employer.
22:47Oh, yes.
22:49Yes, I'm afraid he, uh, I'm afraid he's out at the moment, just, uh, repossessing a little
22:54bit of a transport, as a matter of fact.
22:56Well, I'm expecting him back any moment.
22:58In fact, I can hardly wait.
23:00Oh, he said I'd probably find his faithful old assistant behind the counter.
23:03Oh, yes.
23:04But to ask for the executive in charge personally.
23:06Oh, really?
23:07I see.
23:08And what else did he say, this little executive supremo?
23:12Well, uh, oh, he says he gets on tremendously well with his staff.
23:16Oh, he's had some of you for years.
23:18He says you all love him.
23:20Oh, we do, we do.
23:21We call him a little father, you know.
23:24Oh, Bobby, that's lovely, little father.
23:27Yes, on account of his hobby.
23:29Hobby?
23:29Well, he's Hungarian, didn't he tell you that?
23:32That might give you some idea what I'll be.
23:35Oh, here he comes now, look, here, back from his little fathering.
23:39There he is.
23:43Hello, Stephanie.
23:45Hello.
23:45Did you manage to get it back, all right, sir, the, uh, the transport?
23:50Yes, uh, oh, it's all right, it's round the back.
23:52Oh, very good, sir.
23:53It's all present and correct, is it?
23:54No damage, is there, sir?
23:56Upholstery, wing mirror, pump, bell.
24:00It's all right.
24:02Oh, very good, sir, very good, sir.
24:04I never knew you were Hungarian.
24:06Oh, who let that little secret out, eh?
24:09Your assistant here's just been telling me.
24:11Yes, I hope I didn't speak out of turn, Excellency.
24:15No, no, no, that's all right, old chap.
24:19Well, actually, Granville, I was wondering if you'd care to walk me home.
24:23I'll come across some very funny people on my way home sometimes.
24:26Yeah, yeah, you will tonight, certainly.
24:29Certainly, certainly, Stephanie.
24:30I'll just slip out of this executive finery and put on something, er, racy but cool.
24:37You know, we might want to drop into a bar somewhere for cocktails.
24:40My, my, my...
24:43And the night is young, isn't it?
24:45Well, I've got to be up quite early.
24:46Yes, and not as early as a young Mr. Granville.
24:49It's all right, no, no, I only need a couple of hours sleep.
24:52Yes, you can get them during the day, as usual, can't you?
24:56All right, thank you, I can't be long.
24:58Will you be all right here with, um, this old, er, reprobate?
25:03Yes, yes, take your time.
25:05And while you're gone, your assistant here can tell me all about you.
25:08Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, no, no, don't you take any notice of him.
25:13Um, no, yes, you just behave yourself.
25:17Albert.
25:26That's right, little father, to take your time.
25:30You can't beat her Hungarian feet for speed, you know.
25:33You should have seen his father leaving his mother.
25:37I'm terribly sorry, I was leaning on the counter there for a moment.
25:41It's all go being of her faithful old assistant, you know.
25:45How does he come to be half-Hungarian?
25:47Er, well, his mother was learning the language and she forgot the word for no.
25:53Oh, well, don't suppose it need make any difference in being half-Hungarian?
25:58To us, I mean.
25:59Us?
26:00Oh, you mean us?
26:02Oh.
26:02It does, it makes a difference.
26:04What kind of difference?
26:06Oh, I don't think I ought to tell you, really.
26:08I think you should warn me if there's something I ought to know.
26:11Oh, but I mean, is it proper, me being a faithful old assistant?
26:15Yeah, it's proper, it's proper.
26:16On the other hand, why should I keep quiet when his wife and kids never stop rabbiting about him?
26:21Five?
26:22Yeah.
26:23How many kids?
26:24Kids?
26:24Oh, er...
26:26Er...
26:30Seven.
26:31Seven?
26:31Yes, and three-sixteenths, it says here.
26:33I must get that fixed.
26:34I don't know what's the matter with it.
26:35Now, I don't want you to treat him or judge him too harshly.
26:40I'll kill him if he comes near me again.
26:42Yes, well, that doesn't sound too harsh.
26:46I blame the goulash, you know.
26:48I think if I'd been brought up knee-deep in goulash, I might have had seven kids myself.
26:54Deceitful monkey.
26:55Er...
26:55Of course, fortunately, being a true northerner, I was brought up on bread and dripping,
26:59which, as we all know, is a fine antidote against any of the wildest of the senses.
27:05Here.
27:06When it comes down, give him that.
27:17Okay, let's hear it for Grandma.
27:21Let's hear it for these snappy threads.
27:25Tonight, it's go, man, go.
27:27I think I'll let the old boy close early and let him go home to his lonely bed.
27:33Where is she?
27:34Where is Steph?
27:35Where is Steph?
27:50You've done it again, haven't you, eh?
27:52You've really screwed it up for me.
27:54What did you do to her?
27:55Just a bit of faithful old assistant-ing.
27:58Oh, dear.
28:01I'll never get anything right, do I?
28:04I thought she was the one.
28:05I thought she had everything.
28:07And the moment I saw her, I knew she wasn't right for you.
28:12She's no education.
28:15She's spelt a two-timing little creep with a K.
28:22It's been a funny day working for Granville.
28:26I'll say this, for a young executive, he's very easily led.
28:30You just grab the chain round his neck and pull him along by his dangler.
28:37Still, if you can't dangle when you're young, when can you dangle?
28:42And the first correct answer to that wins a holiday for two in Nurse Gladys' bedroom.
28:49Oh, she's like a drug, that woman.
28:52Not freely available except for medicinal purposes.
28:57Still, who knows?
28:59One day I may be able to get her over the counter.