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00:19Well done, Granville.
00:21I'm glad to see you're becoming aware of the powers of advertising.
00:25I am, I am.
00:26Hmm. You've got to get poor people.
00:29Well, not only poor people, rich people at all.
00:33You've got to get poor people grabbing what you've got.
00:38Your mother knew how.
00:45I've got the blood of poets and lovers in my veins.
00:48Yes, and at least one electrician.
00:56Granville, catch your cloth.
00:59That's not how you spell herring, boy.
01:25Hey.
01:36There you are, Mr Halliwell, at a 12p change.
01:40Pity we couldn't take the whole pound,
01:42but never mind, we came pretty close.
01:45Hey, that's me bus fare.
01:47You don't want that at all?
01:49Well, the exercise would do you good, you know.
01:52You'd return home all this slim and irresistible
01:55to increase by no end the quality of life for Mrs Halliwell.
01:59Believe you me, that's no tempting offer.
02:06Did you get a good look at them as they went past?
02:09Good look at what?
02:10What, them old clothes?
02:11Was there anybody in?
02:13I've never even seen him yet, you know.
02:15Every morning that my bundle of old clothes comes in,
02:18pretending to be a B, Mr Halliwell.
02:20Till, I suppose, as long as they're suspending money.
02:23Hey, why are you standing there clutching each bottle?
02:27Oh, I don't think I'm getting anywhere with the milk woman.
02:30Well, two pints a day, what can you expect?
02:33I offer to show her a good time.
02:35Well, you can please yourself, can't you?
02:38Come at nine o'clock at night, the day's your own.
02:40Oh, no, I thought, do your room up, Granville, I thought.
02:44You know, get yourself some really punchy hi-fi.
02:46Find a nice coordinated colour scheme, you know,
02:49to distract the eye from all those rotten old boxes
02:53of lavatory cleaner you keep storing up there.
02:55Only in the lavatory cleaners, Granville,
02:58they've got to be stored somewhere.
02:59Why can't you store them in the lavatory?
03:01You can't store lavatory cleaners in a lavatory.
03:04That would be unhydrogenic.
03:07It has to be your room, Granville.
03:09Oh, yeah, and there goes my image down the toilet.
03:14I offered to go to her place and told her.
03:17Look what we've got in common.
03:19It's only me, her and those old clothes called Alliwell
03:23that gets up this early in the morning.
03:25When I was a lad early, it was a lot earlier than it is now.
03:29We had not a time to go broody.
03:31What, even during puberty?
03:33Puberty?
03:33There was no such thing as puberty when I was a lad.
03:37God, he hadn't been invented.
03:39We went straight from childhood into heavy labour.
03:44There wasn't a pair of a pube in sight.
03:49No.
03:49Hey, remember, this was the age of the solid rubber tile lad.
03:54We didn't get a time to get cosseted.
03:56Cosseted?
03:57You call this cosseted?
03:58I've heard about you sneaking round behind the back of that isoldo,
04:03desperate for a quick cosset.
04:06By the time we close the shop, it's all been snapped up.
04:09You want to see what's left by the time I get there.
04:11I mean, the real rubbish.
04:14It's a relief when they turn you down.
04:18What did you do when you were my age then?
04:20Come on now, be honest.
04:21Well, the girls used to press flowers and the boys used to suck extra strong mints.
04:27Of course, sometimes we used to try for pressing the girls while they were pressing the flowers.
04:33But you had to be very careful.
04:34I once got stuck in the album doing that.
04:39Here, just a minute.
04:40No, no.
04:40Are you going to charge me for that?
04:42No, I'm not going to charge.
04:43I'm going to put it back into stock.
04:47Oh, wait a minute.
04:48No, that packet's going to be shorter than the others, isn't it?
04:50Well, I'll take one out of all the others.
04:53Heron boys are come here trying to teach me my business.
04:57Hey, why is it that some mints have holes in them?
05:01Well, they say it's so you can get your tongue around the flavour of more of the...
05:07More of the peppermint.
05:12It doesn't work with me, though.
05:14I still can't get my tongue around it.
05:31Oh, my, that's a tetonic.
05:33It's only available on their prescription.
05:36Stand back.
05:37I haven't time this morning for wrestling with grocers.
05:40You may make time.
05:42There'll be time when we're married.
05:46When I've smartened you up a bit,
05:49improved your moral standards,
05:51and started teaching you this foreign language.
05:54What foreign language?
05:55It's called spending money.
05:57I can spend money when I have to.
06:01I meant without an anaesthetic.
06:04When are we going to get married?
06:07You know I'd do anything to you.
06:09For you.
06:11I'd shut the shop early.
06:13Well, fairly early.
06:16I can't whilst my mother needs me.
06:18Oh, how is your mother?
06:19She's fine.
06:21Typical.
06:21No consideration for other people.
06:24This is rotten.
06:26I'm only joking.
06:28I hope she lives till she's 80.
06:30She is 80.
06:31Oh, what a coincidence.
06:34Impatient, that's all.
06:36Impatient.
06:37So is your Granville, apparently.
06:39Our Granville what?
06:41I'm told he's advertising in this week's issue
06:43with one of them lonely arts magazines.
06:46He's doing whatever.
06:49I don't know what you're eating in that shop,
06:51but I should start taking some roughage with it.
06:53I'll give him roughage, don't you worry.
06:57Listen, it's none of our business
06:59if the lad wants to advertise for a soulmate.
07:03He'll get my heel and soulmate.
07:09Now, listen, Granville, I'll get...
07:15Oh, me, why don't you?
07:23Go, go, go.
07:24Don't shout at him.
07:26Shout at him?
07:27I can't even pronounce him.
07:29What have I done?
07:31Nothing, love.
07:32Come on.
07:35I've told you, it's none of our business.
07:37You do not interfere with that lad,
07:39especially on my say-so.
07:41I don't want him thinking I've run around tail-tattling.
07:44Forget it.
07:45Drop it.
07:45You can't drop it.
07:48Tackle in my tail if you're not there.
07:53Oh, dear.
07:55Young executive in the retail trade
07:58with owner-flat and the firm's transport
08:01so seeks lady companion.
08:03Oh, good Granville.
08:06Generous nature more important than looks.
08:10Experience not necessary if willing to learn.
08:15So, that's his a caper, is it right?
08:18If he wants a woman, I'll go get him a woman.
08:22Oh.
08:24The widow, her Featherstone.
08:26And what can we do for you
08:27that's brisk and impersonal
08:29and not necessarily inexpensive?
08:32Oh, it'll be inexpensive.
08:33I never waste my money.
08:36We've got a lot in common.
08:37You're the only other one I know
08:39with a wonderful non-spending way about you.
08:42Oh, yes, just a must.
08:44Oh, you don't have to be modest.
08:46Not with me.
08:47Not with Delphine Featherstone,
08:49who's always admired every move you've never made.
08:54Yes, well, Mrs. Featherstone...
08:56Call me Delphine.
08:59Delphine?
09:01We've got some tin fruit called that somewhere.
09:06It's not an invitation I flash about lightly.
09:09Oh, no, no, no.
09:11Even your husband used to call you Mrs. Featherstone.
09:14Not one for familiarity.
09:17But then, acquisitiveness such as yours
09:20always undermines the resistance of the maturer woman.
09:24I hear them gossiping about you.
09:26Oh, sure, it's a lie.
09:27That our privacy, rock-hard and mean.
09:31Must be very proud, the way they all look up to you.
09:38Are we alone?
09:40No.
09:40No, we're not alone, no.
09:42I have men here.
09:43I have men working in the cellar.
09:47Men working.
09:50There they are.
09:53Can you hear them?
09:54They're thumping.
09:55What are they doing?
09:56I've told you, they're thumping.
09:59Oh, they're over there now.
10:01Keep it down, will you, please?
10:03I'm trying to serve up here.
10:05Oh, that's not them.
10:06I can't stand here gossiping,
10:08Mrs. Featherstone.
10:09I must go and see how they're getting on, you see.
10:11What about my two small bats?
10:12Oh, no, it's nothing like that.
10:14It's nothing personal at all.
10:16No, I'm sure they're lovely.
10:17It's just that I've got to go and just...
10:20They're blokes, you see.
10:21But I came in for two small bats.
10:23Oh, see, oh.
10:25Well, the red man hasn't been yet.
10:26I'll send the lad round for them later.
10:29Bring them yourself, why don't you?
10:32You being self-employed and your own master,
10:35you'll see how clean I am domestically.
10:38It may not be new, but how it sparkles.
10:41Oh, there's a novelty.
10:45It'll be a change to have a man about the house.
10:48My husband may rest in peace.
10:50Belonged only marginally to that category.
11:10Where's he going?
11:12I saw him out of the window.
11:14I've never seen him go out in daylight.
11:18And stay out.
11:24Now, bug off, you crummy pair,
11:27and don't come back till you've learnt how to treat a lady.
11:30You're just what I'm looking for.
11:32And you can watch your gob.
11:35Listen, how would you like to bring a bit of colour
11:37into the life of a young executive?
11:43Is he serious?
11:44He soon will be.
11:46He'll be on the critical list.
12:06I can help us on my body.
12:12As I...
12:14As I...
12:18You've won something.
12:19I haven't ever won anything.
12:22You've found some money.
12:24I haven't found any money.
12:26Well, you haven't lost any, that's for sure.
12:30Ah!
12:31You've overcharged somebody.
12:34I haven't overcharged anybody.
12:37For ages.
12:38Yeah, Tuesday, I think it was.
12:41There's more to life than money, Granville.
12:45Oh, dear, you've dropped your pastry trimmer.
12:49Oh, allow me, Granville, they say.
12:51That boy's always dropping his bare pastry trimmer willy-nilly.
12:55You know, a willy-nilly pastry trimmer dropper.
13:01You're up to something.
13:03If I can help, there's some bare body.
13:06Yeah, who's bare body?
13:09As I...
13:10As I...
13:12I'll pass along.
13:14Oh, this is too frightening, this.
13:15I'm going to take me orders.
13:16Oh, don't go out on that big rough bike in this inclement weather.
13:20Stay here, where it's warm.
13:22And the atmosphere is convivial.
13:25And my living will not be in the vein.
13:30And my living will not be...
13:34Make a cup of tea, will you?
13:36And I...
13:38Make a cup of tea.
13:40You're making me nervous, I know that.
13:47Well, I've come to earn me money.
13:48Is he in?
13:49Oh, yes.
13:50Yes, he's in.
13:51He's in for a surprise.
13:54Well, are you going to fetch him, then?
13:56Yes, oh, yes.
13:57I'm going to fetch him, madam.
13:59You don't mind me if I call you my madam, do you, seeing as you are?
14:02No, don't move, don't move.
14:04Yes, just stay right where you are.
14:06I want him always to remember you exactly how you are now.
14:16Granville, there's, if you'll pardon the expression, a lady outside wanting to see you.
14:22Me?
14:23Yes.
14:23Well, she said, have you got a young executive on the premises?
14:27She was waving a certain magazine.
14:30Me had.
14:31Me had.
14:32It's worked.
14:33Oh, oh.
14:35Oh, God.
14:36Look, look at me, look at me.
14:38Oh, no, no, no, no.
14:42Is she attractive?
14:43Well, she's very striking.
14:45Striking?
14:46Striking?
14:46No, no, I can't.
14:47I can't.
14:48I can't go out there.
14:49No, no, go on, tell her.
14:50Tell her I'm baking, will you?
14:52Yes.
14:52No, don't tell her I'm baking.
14:53No.
14:54Tell her I'm, tell her I'm, I'm on the phone to Los Angeles.
14:57Oh, yes.
14:58Silly Granville, pull yourself together.
15:00Come on, come on.
15:00No, no.
15:01Tell her I've gone to hospital.
15:03No, you know, I'm executive stress.
15:04Tell her I, it's a private hospital.
15:06Tell her I always go private.
15:07She'll understand.
15:17Chuffy neck.
15:22I like your voice.
15:25Carries very well.
15:28Oh, a smooth talker.
15:30Oh, well, why do I was get the smooth talkers?
15:41If I can save a teabag, then my lady.
15:48No, that's right.
15:54I like the name, Granville.
15:57I love the name Michelle.
16:01What lovely eyes.
16:03They're so...
16:05So heavily made up.
16:07I love too much make-up.
16:10Have a truffle.
16:13Granville.
16:14Granville.
16:16Michelle.
16:18Sherbert dabs.
16:20He actually fancies her.
16:24Oh.
16:26Oh.
16:27Oh.
16:28Oh.
16:34Oh.
16:36Oh.
16:37Oh.
16:40Oh.
16:47Who's that were you at Granville?
16:49Don't ask.
17:00A customer, and you never noticed.
17:04You what?
17:05Ye gods, his mind's going.
17:07A customer's just gone in your shop.
17:10What shop?
17:14A customer?
17:16Why didn't you say so?
17:19Well, it's your own fault, then, isn't it?
17:22Getting him involved with an experienced woman like that.
17:25It was a very good plan.
17:27There was just one little factor I overlooked.
17:29And what was that?
17:30He's such a flaming idiot.
17:33Oh, no.
17:34There's another little factor you overlooked.
17:36Oh, what was that?
17:38You are such a flare-flaming idiot.
17:41I'll kill him getting entangled with a woman like that.
17:45Look, they can't be entangled yet.
17:48They've only just met.
17:49Yeah, he's just like his mother.
17:50It never took her many minutes.
17:52She'd see some of her flash herbert in a straw boater and a new dicky and wallop.
17:57She was there.
17:59Don't be rotten about his mother.
18:01Your own sister.
18:03She was too warm-hearted, that's all.
18:05Yeah, and not only her heart, either.
18:09Many of her road-menders warmed his hands round her brazier.
18:16Fast-duzzy she was.
18:17She was not fast.
18:19Well, she had covered a lot of ground.
18:22Look, it'll all be over in a minute.
18:24Your grandmother will see how unsuitable that woman is.
18:27He'll walk back through that door disappointed, with a long face, dead miserable.
18:33Michelle, the name's like music.
18:38Falls upon my ears like silvery bells.
18:43I love her.
18:44She's just the sort of girl I've always wanted.
18:46Simple, natural, unaffected, no bra.
18:53That's what I've been searching for all these years in the back numbers of the Playboy.
18:58And in the corset adverts.
19:00In all those catalogues.
19:03Oh, is she?
19:03You has been a-looking through the corset catalogues, is it?
19:06You dead tricky little swine.
19:08You told me you were looking through them a-mail-order catalogues for an electric toothbrush.
19:14Didn't you?
19:15I thought it was funny at the time.
19:17It's a-not as if you've got electric teeth.
19:20Calm down, now calm down.
19:23I've seen too many middle-aged men in bed as a result of getting over-emotional.
19:27What sort of confession is that?
19:29For an engaged person in front of an errand boy.
19:33Executive, executive, if you don't mind, Uncle.
19:35And will you leave the emotion to the younger generation?
19:38Poised as we are on the brink of a whole new swinging lifestyle.
19:41A brink? What brink are you poised on the brink of?
19:44Michelle's coming round here tonight to pick me up.
19:48What time?
19:49About quarter to brink.
19:52If I could-de-de-de-de-de-de some other body.
19:56Get yourself out of that tuning fork.
20:00Ye shall a-my-bell, as the words that go together well.
20:10He's-he's enjoying it.
20:12Of course he's enjoying it.
20:14Well, he's no right to enjoy it at his age.
20:17Look how old I am.
20:18I'm only just beginning to enjoy it.
20:21And that very infrequently.
20:23Keep your voice down.
20:24Oh, he can't hear me.
20:26The estate he's in, he's totally divorced from his ear holes.
20:31I should know I've been trying to get through to him all afternoon.
20:35His brain is permanently on answer phone.
20:38You'll have to leave him alone and let him work it out of his system.
20:42I'll be working out of his system for him.
20:45He'll come out in a funny place and all.
20:47Look, he's going out with the woman.
20:49She'll be here in a minute to pick him up.
20:51There's nothing you can do about it.
20:53So don't stand there nervously fiddling with your loose change.
20:58Lord, preserve us from frustrated grocers.
21:03I love you, I love you, I love you.
21:08I want to make you see.
21:11Do-do-do-do-do-dee-dee-dee.
21:14Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
21:17Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dee-dee.
21:21Do-do-do-do-do.
21:28Granville, fetch your cloth.
21:34I can't come, I'm otherwise engaged.
21:37Where are you?
21:39Where are you, eh, oh, big.
21:50Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!
21:55Woof, woof, woof, woof!
22:07My pants!
22:08My pants!
22:09My pants!
22:10They've gone!
22:11Bill!
22:12There you go.
22:13Grant, Bill!
22:16There's a big dog.
22:17Come and see it.
22:17There's a big dog going past with a pair of trousers.
22:21You are?
22:21That's unusual, isn't it?
22:22You don't often see a dog with trousers.
22:25My trousers.
22:26Hey, they must be my trousers.
22:28Quick, go on, get out after him.
22:29Go on.
22:29Me?
22:30Me?
22:30Well, look, I can't go out like this, can I?
22:32Oh, where were you just now when I came into the shop?
22:36Oh, there, there.
22:37Behind them shelves.
22:38Look, Granville, I can't go running about
22:40and leaving the shop on some wilder trouser chase.
22:42Well, what would a dog be doing
22:44coming in here and snatching my trousers, eh?
22:46Well, if he's obviously a retriever.
22:49For trousers?
22:50Well, how many rabbits is he going to find round here?
22:53Can you describe the dog?
22:55Yes, he's the one with the trousers.
22:56Oh, I don't know why I bother to ask, do I?
22:58Oh, listen, could you get on the phone to the pub
23:00and say to Michelle not to come for another half an hour?
23:04Oh, if she's already left, well, keep her here.
23:06Treat us to some rum truffles.
23:08She likes rum truffles.
23:09Oh, well, yours look rum enough for anybody.
23:12Don't tell her that I've lost my trousers.
23:14Oh, of course I won't.
23:16I'll just tell her you've got a little behind.
23:25Good boy.
23:26Good dog.
23:28Good boy.
23:28Good dog.
23:37Good evening, Mrs. Featherstone.
23:49Have you seen a dog?
23:50I haven't reached my time of life
23:52by standing in dark alleyways
23:54talking to young male persons about dogs.
23:56With a pair of trousers.
23:58Ow!
24:00Nowadays, before they're talking about trousers.
24:02No, no, no offence intended.
24:05Ow!
24:07I'm sorry, my head.
24:08He's hitting your umbrella.
24:10Ow!
24:13Where are your trousers?
24:15That's what I was trying to tell you.
24:16Give away.
24:18Possible interest could there be for me in your trousers?
24:20Oh, no, please.
24:21No, I can explain this.
24:29No, no, Michelle.
24:30No, he's not ill.
24:31He just asked me to pass on the message
24:33that he won't be able to make it tonight.
24:36No, I mean, he won't be able to see you tonight.
24:39No.
24:39Someone else has come up.
24:41Yeah, well, you must realise, Michelle,
24:43that you're just one of the irons he has in his fire.
24:47You're just one of the pies he's got his finger in.
24:50Yes.
24:50Well, you see, if you've got irons in the fire
24:53and fingers in pies,
24:54you are bound to get burnt.
24:56And covered in gravy.
24:58Yes.
25:00No, no, I do understand, of course,
25:02that you're not used to being as I stood up.
25:04No, quite the reverse.
25:06Yes.
25:07Well, his mother was the same.
25:09I tell you what,
25:11if you're at a loose end
25:12and I'm here at a loose end,
25:15why don't we meet up
25:17and tie them together?
25:19I mean, I'll loose ends, I mean.
25:21Eh?
25:21Well, I mean, would you consider an older man?
25:25What do you mean you can't imagine an older man?
25:28I'm 57.
25:29Same age as a tin of baked beans.
25:33What?
25:34No.
25:34Oh, well, that is your prerogative.
25:37That is your fair prerogative.
25:39Well, you can please yourself, can't you?
25:41Yes.
25:42Eh?
25:43Tell him...
25:44Well, what?
25:46Tell him to do what?
25:49Well, I'll pass on the message.
25:51But if I could cut out all the swearing,
25:53there won't be much of it left, will there?
25:55Yes.
25:56And the same to yours.
25:58Dear, dear.
26:00Oh, no sign.
26:02I was just attacked by Mrs Featherstone.
26:04Oh, that woman will go for anything out of trousers.
26:07All I got was the tip of her umbrella.
26:09Hey, did you phone Michelle?
26:12She's not coming.
26:15You are?
26:16She doesn't like being stood up.
26:23Oh, heck.
26:26I know, I know.
26:29She did leave a message.
26:30I'll whisper it under your bedroom door later on.
26:33It's certainly not a thing I could possibly repeat in daylight.
26:37Well, that's it then, isn't it, eh?
26:40Oh, my hope's dashed again, eh?
26:43I don't know.
26:45Back to the celibate life of an errand boy.
26:48Would you mind not being a celibate on that crate?
26:52There's pears in there.
26:53Don't talk to me about pears.
26:55No more pears for me.
26:58Oh, I thought she was the one.
27:00Was love at first sight.
27:03Started with her sweater,
27:04and then I gradually grew to love her bit by bit
27:08as we walked down the road.
27:11And she walked out of my life,
27:14round the corner,
27:15into the oblivion of Stanley Street.
27:18Hey, don't damage the goods, please.
27:22I feel like a banana.
27:24Well, you look like a lemon.
27:27Don't talk to me.
27:28I don't want to talk to anyone.
27:30My heart is too full.
27:32So is your mouth.
27:34If you don't bolt that banana,
27:36you'll get wind.
27:37You wouldn't care if I got wind.
27:38You wouldn't care if I blew away.
27:42You're a cynic.
27:45You don't care about love.
27:48All you care about is money.
27:51Cost me £8.50 for that advert, you know.
27:55All for what, eh?
27:58Nothing.
28:03Young executive seeks lady companion.
28:07Generous nature more important than looks.
28:12Yes?
28:14I've got the right place, then.
28:18You've just walked into paradise.
28:21Have a rum truffle.
28:26You're lovely.
28:28I'm not lovely.
28:31Well, you're nearly lovely.
28:37Oh, dear.
28:39It's been quite an eventful day.
28:41What with one thing and another.
28:44Michelle after Granville for one thing,
28:47and Mrs. Featherston after me for the other.
28:50I think that's what she was after me for.
28:55As for Granville, he doesn't know what he wants.
28:59Off he goes, deliriously happy with his new lady love.
29:04Won't last.
29:06Won't last.
29:06Next week, he'll be back on ice lollies.
29:10Odd little creature, she looked.
29:14Hidden depths.
29:16As they left the shop, she called him Flower.
29:21I wonder if she meant play in a self-raising.
29:24I wonder if she met her.
29:35Amen.