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00:26Have you seen this lately?
00:33One good squeeze and it'll come apart in your hand.
00:36It's as easy as that.
00:39I've tried.
00:51Granville, fetch your head a dry cloth.
01:01Oh, my God.
01:03Oh, my God.
01:30Did Mrs Gillespie come for her bread?
01:33Yesterday.
01:33About tea time.
01:35You know, there's no pattern to the movements of that woman.
01:38She's very irregular for someone who buys her so much X-lax.
01:43Does it matter when she comes?
01:46Does it matter?
01:48Does it matter?
01:49Of course it matters.
01:50It's only one loaf.
01:52Sometimes it happens to be the last loaf on the shelf, doesn't it?
01:56A customer comes in and says,
01:57well, I'll take that last loaf off you on the shelf there,
02:00and I have to turn down a sale.
02:02Do you realise what it does to a shopkeeper to turn down a sale?
02:06Oh, I know what it does to you.
02:08You get nasty with people.
02:10That is a secondary symptom.
02:12The first thing that happens to me is my top lip goes numb.
02:16It does.
02:17It goes absolutely lifeless.
02:19It just lies there as dead as if it had been unnationalised.
02:24My moustache loses all its luster.
02:27It's looked like that for years.
02:29Never.
02:30It's been very lively in its time as this moustache.
02:33No, it's me lips where rigor mortis so suddenly sets in.
02:37Well, they're due for a rest anyway.
02:40It's not funny, Granville.
02:43It's a hell of a place for something to dye on you,
02:45right under your very nose.
02:47A very peculiar sensation.
02:48I have had a difficulty formulating my words.
02:55Really?
02:55I'm sure it's not noticeable.
02:59My finger ends get all constricted.
03:03Have you tried taking them out of the pockets?
03:06I don't go around with my hands in my pockets.
03:09No, no.
03:09Not your pockets.
03:10Other people's pockets.
03:12Listen, you.
03:13If you want to succeed in business,
03:15you have to have a streak of ruthlessness.
03:18Either that or a rich wife.
03:20You couldn't get a rich wife if you didn't have a ruthless streak.
03:24The size of your streak, you'll be lucky to get any wife at all.
03:28Well, you haven't got one yet, have you, eh?
03:30No, I haven't, but I've got one on order though, haven't I?
03:34Just a question of arranging delivery.
03:37No, she'll never name the day while she's got her old mother living over there with her.
03:42It's a pity her mother can't find somewhere to go and live permanently, you know.
03:47Like heaven, for instance.
03:55There we are, sir.
03:58Yes, sir.
03:58A certain steel in the make-up, Granville, is part of the basic equipment of the shop,
04:03PPC.
04:04You wouldn't like to be without part of your basic equipment now, would you, Granville?
04:08No, I wouldn't.
04:08It could be very embarrassing at my age.
04:10Yes, it certainly could.
04:14You know, you could lose most of your basic equipment standing right here.
04:19Well, after slacking that spring off, it's no good.
04:22Well, you keep saying that, but you never do.
04:24Ah, well, you see, these little pound notes, Granville, I mean, they've been swapped around
04:29and passed from hand to hand all their little lives, haven't they?
04:33They've never known a stable home.
04:36It's up to us to keep them snug and cosy now that they're here.
04:40No, this may not be a palace, Granville, but there's no way they would be more appreciated.
04:46You may think I'm an old miser, Granville, and you are quite at liberty to say so.
04:51Though it might get you a swift boot behind the bin.
04:57There we are.
05:01Is that for me?
05:02Hmm.
05:03You see, you have to remember, Granville, that it is my heavy responsibility to train you
05:09to one day take over this entire empire.
05:12And when I see you standing there with them big soft eyes and ice cream all...
05:18all down your front and round your mouth, I...
05:22I just have to...
05:24I just have to...
05:26Oh, God.
05:29What have I done?
05:30What have I done?
05:31What have you done?
05:32Granville, it's time for a bit of advanced training, I'm afraid.
05:35I've got to get a bit of steel into you, lad.
05:37It's no good just going through life, laying back and letting things happen to you, like your mother used to.
05:50Oh, eh.
05:52Oh, I've been sweeping round these things for two years.
05:56Eh.
05:57Why don't you give up on these, eh?
05:59Look.
06:00They're never going to get rid of these.
06:01Who's going to buy these?
06:03Don't worry about them, Granville.
06:04They're a little bit too advanced for you, those, are you?
06:06Just stick to basics, like how the hell are you going to pay for that ice cream?
06:17Well, you can't just drag people into the shop.
06:21No, it's not dragging them in, Granville.
06:23It's more propelling them in this direction, as if by accident, you see.
06:27Right, show me.
06:28Oh, Granville, you've seen me do it often enough.
06:31No, I haven't.
06:32I've always been too embarrassed to watch.
06:35It's not a case of embarrassment.
06:37It's a test of skill.
06:39Well, I hope this section never gets published in me biography.
06:44I'm warning you, if ever I become famous,
06:47well, one day,
06:49I want absolutely no reference to this.
06:53I see.
06:53You're so ashamed of it, are you?
06:55Let's just say that I would prefer to gloss over this period of my life
06:59with a simple paragraph that reads,
07:01for a while he was employed in a minor executive capacity in a commercial enterprise.
07:13What happens if they're bigger than me, like him?
07:16Well, you're not going to wrestle with him, are you?
07:19All you're going to do is use a bit of psychology on him.
07:21Well, go on then, show me.
07:23Oh, Granville, it's simple enough.
07:25Look, I'll show you this last once, and then it's your turn.
07:28All right.
07:28Well, I'd like to try on something a little bit smaller.
07:31Oh, don't be silly.
07:33The bigger they are, the harder they spend.
07:35Now, listen, pay attention.
07:36Make sure that he is going to pass the shop,
07:39because if he's going to come in anyway,
07:40you're wasting your time, aren't you?
07:42No, no, it's too late.
07:44Wouldn't say pass the shop,
07:45because he'd be round the corner in a way, wouldn't he?
07:47It's never too late.
07:48You catch him at the warehouse door as they go past the back, don't you?
07:52You go out, I'll show you, you go out there,
07:54and if he goes round the corner, say, stamp your foot.
07:57Stamp me foot?
07:58Yeah, you know.
07:59You know what stamping your foot is.
08:00Like that.
08:45Missed him.
08:47Obviously missed him.
08:52The one thing I hate, it's a grit in the eye.
08:55Even the tiniest speck feels like a Dorma bungalow.
08:58You want to wet the corner of your handkerchief.
09:00Oh.
09:11I can't see anything.
09:13Oh, well, it must be catching.
09:15Don't tell me you're going blind and all.
09:18Sometimes if you bring your top down and waggle the bottom.
09:22Who do you think I am?
09:24Gypsy Rose Lee?
09:26Oh.
09:27Hey, it works.
09:28It's gone, Granville.
09:30Oh, it's gone.
09:32Oh, what a relief.
09:34Oh, that's wonderful.
09:35Well, now, what can we give this nice young gentleman
09:38to show our appreciation?
09:39Give?
09:41Give of...
09:42You don't have to give me anything.
09:43You do the same for me.
09:45Oh, too proud, you see,
09:46to accept charity, Granville.
09:48Well, put it this way.
09:49What little bargains can we put him onto
09:52to show our appreciation?
09:54Eh?
09:57There we are, sir.
10:02A compliment of them and management, sir.
10:05Oh.
10:05You've been very good.
10:29There's someone up there that sees everything we do, you know.
10:33I know.
10:34I know.
10:35It's that Mrs Harris.
10:36I saw her peering out of her head.
10:39Hey-o.
10:39Hey-o.
10:40Here comes Mrs Harris and that Mrs Turner.
10:42Now, come on.
10:43Here's your chance.
10:44Try and sell them something a little bit extra.
10:46Come on.
10:46Let's see a bit of salesman.
10:48Go on.
10:48She's as bad.
10:50She can pass you on the street.
10:51Oh, they're never any good once they've been to Mallorca.
10:54Brown.
10:55All she thinks about's being brown.
10:57And nearly everywhere, if you can believe what he says next door.
11:01Well, who's got a better view?
11:03Twenty navy cup, please, Granville.
11:04Aye.
11:05Same for me, Granville.
11:06Ah.
11:07Um...
11:07Anna had a box of matches.
11:11Too much sun dries the skin, you know.
11:14It's very destructive.
11:16Oh, it is to me.
11:17I go all blotchy.
11:18She'll wish she'd kept more clothes on.
11:20And here, where me bra finishes, it always starts to peel.
11:25Oh, it's further down when it gets me.
11:29I can stand hardly any exposure round me navel.
11:33Me skin goes all crisp.
11:37Top of me thighs is where I get it.
11:45The ultraviolet, according to that friend of our Esmond's.
11:48And he should know, he's as big a violet as I've ever seen.
11:52Here, how is your Edmond?
11:54Oh, don't ask.
12:03That's, er, twenty navel.
12:05Er, navy.
12:08Navy cup for you, Mrs Turner, and for you, Mrs Ellis.
12:12You get worse, Granville.
12:14He's checking the pills, Granville.
12:16And who do you think she's browning herself for, is a question that springs naturally to the lips.
12:21Well, it can't be her husband. Have you seen him?
12:24It's the way he walks.
12:28I hope he's gonna go brown all over just for him.
12:31Can you imagine him with nothing on?
12:42Give him his due. He's fixed her up with some wonderful kitchen units.
12:46Are they?
13:04You're glaring at me for?
13:06What am I glaring at you for? Look at all them opportunities you just missed.
13:11What opportunities?
13:13They only came in for cigarettes. That's all they ever come in for.
13:16What they come in for is up to them. What they go out with is up to us.
13:21Can't get a word in edgewise with them two.
13:24I mean, they never listen.
13:25Oh, no. Well, you make up for that then, don't you?
13:27Hmm?
13:29Don't know what you mean.
13:30Listening, listening, listening to the gossip.
13:32Oh, can't help overhearing a certain amount.
13:36Over, overhearing.
13:39Your looks were for flapping about like radar.
13:42There was me with her back there with arms a windmill in about
13:45for trying to persuade you to make a sale.
13:47Oh, is that what you were doing?
13:54Oh, my God.
13:55Oh, my God.
13:59Oh, my God.
13:59Oh, my God.
14:00Oh, my God.
14:02Oh, my God.
14:02Oh.
14:03Now you're going to get on with it.
14:06What are you doing with that lad's ear?
14:08It's the only place to handle those small dogs and errand boys.
14:12I mean, with due regard to the conventions, where else would I take hold of an errand boy?
14:18Poor lad.
14:19Oh.
14:20You've made it all red.
14:22Oh, it feels longer.
14:24Is it longer?
14:25You leave him alone.
14:26He's got very shapely, delicate, small ears.
14:29They're delicate.
14:31They're like the dustbin lorries.
14:33He goes around picking up every bit of rubbish he can lay his lobes on.
14:38They're a lot nicer ears than many I've had to see to.
14:41Now, listen.
14:42As the person you're supposed to be engaged to, I don't much like this comparison of some of the things
14:49you've had to see to.
14:51And I can well understand why.
15:10And I can well understand why.
15:17Runville, now listen.
15:18You're going to stand right there.
15:20The minute Nurse Gladys Emanuel goes into her house, you're out again on the street.
15:24All right?
15:25Oh, dear.
15:26Now, look, she's being caught by Mrs Pendlebury.
15:28Oh, dear.
15:30Oh.
15:31She's a very, very peculiar shape, is Mrs Pendlebury, isn't she?
15:36Can't be very convenient for Mr Pendlebury.
15:40You know, he often comes in here quite late of an evening for a six-pack of ale with a
15:45desperate look in his eyes.
15:48She'll be there for half an hour now.
15:50You mark my words.
15:51Ah, good.
15:52A reprieve.
15:54At last I've had a reprieve.
15:55Not for longer, Granville.
15:57Oh, no, Dick.
15:58Do I have to go out there?
16:00They'll only laugh at me.
16:02Oh, no, they'll only laugh at me.
16:03Wanda, Granville.
16:05Chin up.
16:05You come from proud stock, lad.
16:08Waterloo.
16:08The Battle of Britain.
16:09The glorious double Gloucesters.
16:13We are a stubborn race when the chips are down.
16:17Well, our chips aren't down.
16:19They're still at full retail recommended price.
16:23A race that when we have to can still bear produce the brave.
16:28Men who are prepared to go out as a single-handed.
16:31And marry my Mrs Pendlebury.
16:35Oh, oh.
16:43What do you want to be when you grow up Granville?
16:44They used to say to me at school.
16:46I used to say,
16:48Oh, fighter pilot.
16:52I see George Maidley's got a first for his brussel sprouts again.
16:57Well, you see what I would have missed.
16:59Probably stooging around up there with me gun sights glowing.
17:03Cruising at a steady Mach 6.
17:05There'll be no hot news like that coming over the old squawk box.
17:10Hello, tango to Red Leader.
17:12I hear George Maidley's got a fair fair first for his brussel sprouts.
17:18He always was very lucky with his brussel sprouts was George Maidley.
17:25Well, Mr Maidley, I've had a look at the x-rays and I'm afraid that that leg is going to
17:31have to come off.
17:33Never mind, we're leaving you, you brussel sprouts.
17:43Hey, hey, listen to this.
17:46Vicar's wife accuses cook of ding-dong in Belfry.
17:53Discarded underclothing bear points to Vicar's infidelity.
17:57Let that be a lesson to you, Granville, and never a point with your underclothing.
18:02Chance would be a fine thing.
18:04Poor old Vicar.
18:06They found his vest in her pantry and herb her pants in his vestry.
18:21How delightful.
18:22Oh, always of a pleasure to see a new face.
18:25Oh, I never knew this still existed.
18:28What, new faces? Oh, yes.
18:29Yes, you find them just underneath new people's hats, you know.
18:33No, not new faces.
18:35No, these places.
18:37Pokey little shops.
18:41And they seem hiddledy-piddledy all scrunched in.
18:46Quaint.
18:46Oh, good.
18:47Do you really think so?
18:48Oh, definitely.
18:50Oh, good, because that was just the effect we were striving after, you know.
18:54Oh, yes.
18:54I remember saying to the architect, now look, Sir Hugh, I said.
18:59We don't want any of this in our modern rubbish.
19:01We'll go strictly for quaint.
19:03Oh, I love the smell.
19:05What is it, do you think?
19:06Well, you've come on a bad day, you see.
19:08We get a lot of old people in here on a Tuesday.
19:13Which is fine, unless it's been raining and then some of them smell a bit damp, you know.
19:17I think it's cough drops, tobacco and paraffin.
19:21That's right, and that's only the women.
19:25I, er, see you're still selling things unwrapped.
19:29That's a vicious rumour, madam.
19:30I've never even appeared in the shop unwrapped.
19:34Mind you, they do look tempting, little cakes.
19:36I might have risked a couple had you had some tongs.
19:39Don't you use tongs?
19:40Of course we use tongs, madam.
19:42Oh, I am notorious on the tongs,
19:45but usually I just save them for the summer months, you see,
19:47because they are marvellous instruments for swatting flies.
19:50Look at that. Another pregnant female.
19:56There we are.
19:57Which cake? One of those did you want, or one of those?
19:59No, thank you.
20:01Oh, dear.
20:01Oh, a bit of creams all over.
20:04Really, I only came in looking for French cigarettes.
20:08Oh.
20:09I, er, I don't suppose you have any French cigarettes?
20:13No, but we have English ones you can smoke with a foreign accent.
20:18I only smoke the French.
20:20Best thing that could happen to them.
20:23Oh, I remember a shop like this when I was a child.
20:26Yes, yes, so do I.
20:28This is it.
20:30I suppose it's long since been condemned.
20:32Well, as a matter of actual for fact,
20:34we are on the very verge of the same thing ourselves, you know.
20:38Really?
20:38Oh, yes, on account of the frats.
20:41The frats?
20:42Yes.
20:43Oh, they're everywhere, you know.
20:44They get under your skirting boards and your floorboards,
20:46into your cavity walls.
20:48My God, you've had it if they get into your cavity walls, you know.
20:50I'm surprised a property of this age has cavity walls.
20:52Well, we didn't have cavity walls till the dam of frats got in, you see.
20:57What are these frats?
20:58Frats?
20:58Oh, they are a nasty cross between a ferret and a rat.
21:02A ferret and a rat?
21:03Yes.
21:04And do they interbreed?
21:07Do they?
21:07That's all they ever do, do.
21:09Night and day.
21:10Oh, it only takes a jiffy, they tell me.
21:12Actually, it happened first by accident when two of the little creatures
21:15tried to force themselves through the same narrow aperture, you know.
21:18Like that, you see.
21:20Well, of course.
21:21Once having got the knack.
21:25Yes, oh, yes.
21:26Yes, the knack of producing frats.
21:28Or as we say locally, a fraternisation.
21:32And, erm, you have them here?
21:34Oh, we've got them everywhere.
21:35They're spreading like wild frats.
21:37Surely if there was an epidemic.
21:40I mean, the health authorities would be.
21:41No, no, no, no, no.
21:42They tend to risk a panic, you see.
21:44Oh, no.
21:45They just send someone along with a couple of holes in your walls
21:48and tell you you've got nothing.
21:51You see.
21:53The trouble is, officially, the problem doesn't exist.
21:57What does one do?
21:58One acquires a frat detector.
22:01Something that burns economically on a low light.
22:04A little pleasant yellow flame which turns green
22:07the moment the frats appear.
22:10That's one.
22:38There we are, madam.
22:39I'll, er...
22:39I'll just open the door for you.
22:47Do, er...
22:48Do call again for frat oil, won't you?
22:53Quaint?
22:54What does she mean, quaint?
22:56I'll give her quaint.
22:58This may be old-fashioned but it's functional.
23:00What she's looking at here is a sort of annex to my wallet.
23:04How did you sell them lamps?
23:06Ah, don't worry about that, Granville.
23:08That is a little too advanced for you at the moment.
23:11Oh, my God, what's that?
23:14Oh, me horse collapsed.
23:16I'm not surprised.
23:17I'm not surprised.
23:19Oh, dear.
23:20Hardly the thing for a quiet evening out with the one you love, is it?
23:23What do you mean, it's not so loud?
23:25Pardon?
23:26I said it's not so loud.
23:27I'm sorry, I can't hear you for that shirt.
23:31The milk woman loves it.
23:33Don't I change the subject.
23:34We're talking about shirts.
23:38Listen, we've got an empty shop here.
23:41Come on, you're supposed to be outside getting customers in.
23:43Come on, get on with it and smart yourself up.
23:46Look at you.
23:46Oh, what's the point?
23:47I'm only going to make a fool of myself.
23:49Well, then you make a smartly dressed fool of yourself.
23:52What do you call this smartly dressed?
23:54Well, it's high style for an apprentice shopkeeper.
23:57I know.
23:58It's a hell of a rig for a fighter pilot, though, isn't it?
24:02Granville, you're going out on your first solo mission, lad.
24:06The world is your oyster.
24:07Go out there, pick yourself a victim and come at him out of the sun.
24:11Yeah, you're on your own, Bear Biggles.
24:15Bring them back alive.
24:20I'll hold your parachute.
24:37What do you think you're doing charging into people that way?
24:41You can stop people's breath that way!
24:43Ow!
24:45Ow!
24:47Ow!
24:48Ow!
24:48Ow!
24:49Ow!
24:49Ow!
24:49Ow!
24:50Ow!
24:52Ow!
24:53Ow!
24:54You get dressed up.
24:55You come out to do a bit of shopping.
24:57You don't expect to be knocked off your feet by a runaway errand boy.
25:00Of course you don't, Mrs Fairfeatherstone.
25:02Come and sit over here, my dear.
25:03Just sit down a moment.
25:05Take the weight off your purse.
25:06There we are.
25:08Not even my husband used to get as close as that.
25:14What?
25:18Whereabouts did you catch her?
25:22I don't know.
25:23Everything went black.
25:26Well, she's a widow woman.
25:27Everything's about black to start with.
25:30God, it could have been anywhere, couldn't it?
25:36Hey, come on.
25:37Get out there.
25:37You're supposed to be customised.
25:38No, I didn't.
25:39Get out there.
25:40Go on.
25:41Dear, dear.
25:42I'll be the man.
25:43Hey, we're the man.
25:43Yeah.
25:44Ha!
25:44Ah!
25:45Ah!
25:46Ah!
26:14You look sad, Granville.
26:29You're poor, love.
26:35What is it?
26:40It's advanced training.
26:42Oh, if it's only something to do with a shop.
26:44I thought you were really depressed.
26:47Heartache or something.
26:50Oh, that's what I mean it is.
26:52Mainly, it is heartaches.
26:58What are these heartaches?
27:00Deep down, word looking empty.
27:03Need a shoulder to lean on sort of heartaches.
27:05Yes, they're the ones.
27:07Yes, that's them.
27:10I get them sometimes.
27:12I know what they like.
27:13They're terrible.
27:16I used to get them a lot.
27:18I used to think life was really bad.
27:21Then my husband left me.
27:24I've felt heaps better since.
27:28You see, when you least expect it, something turns up.
27:38What's wrong with Granville?
27:47Oh, you poor love.
28:03There we are, Mrs. Featherston.
28:05That's your change.
28:09That's just right.
28:11It's a very funny sensation of getting entangled at my age with an errand boy.
28:19Well, what's all that going on out there?
28:21Want to stay in, my dear?
28:22Oh, sorry.
28:23I'd get depressed.
28:40There he is.
28:41That's him.
28:43Bullying this poor lad?
28:45I saw it.
28:45Leading him by his ear.
28:47Oh, ought to be a shame, Jesse-o.
28:49Now, get these men off me.
29:03He said he wanted people in the shop
29:09Funny lot women when you look at them
29:11And I often do
29:14It took me all me time to calm that lot in the shop down
29:17To the point where I could start selling
29:20Then I believe there were one that got away
29:24Oh my God, don't say I've started slipping
29:28I don't mind wearing glasses, Lord
29:31Or even a hearing aid
29:33But if it's all the same to you
29:35I'd like to stay young and very muscular
29:38When it comes to the acquisitive instinct
30:02Thank you