- 3 hours ago
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:30How much of these mr. I'll cry. Oh, that'll be nine nine nine nine nine nine nine that'll be none
00:38I'll give us a chill
00:57And a large sliced loaf and a tube of instant adhesive oh yeah
01:03You were cutting the sandwiches for the women's guild choir again. Are you?
01:07It's my spread that on nice and thick that'll keep him quiet
01:11So you're going to pas los funeral yes, yes, even though it's a very unlikely he'll ever go to mine
01:21That build it to pound the sugar come on for paslow he went very quick at the end there very
01:28quick at both ends
01:30You know he was in here on tuesday last yes, a orderly nailed and a large his life
01:35What's so large about life so far? My life's been about three foot nine
01:41Said no magic nor magnificence about it. Oh you mean you but you bought that aftershave for nothing?
01:47Oh
01:47Haslows been married a long time. How's this widow bearing up your lily? Oh, her fairly well
01:53Yes, well, I always knew she drew great strength from the fact that there was a better life to come
02:01with him from albion street
02:04Hi, but where will he marry her now? She's free. There's many a slip twigs the rug and the kip,
02:08you know
02:10He's snookered. He's looking doomed already
02:15No, he'll not be at the funeral
02:17But I bet if there's one person that's really broken up about paslow being death
02:23It's him from albion street
02:26Why did I never get involved in these powerful little human dramas here?
02:30I'm not available. I mean you think the word would get about that here. I am on the threshold of
02:36manhood
02:36Willing to be coaxed out of me bicycle clips
02:41I mean I could be lured away from stacking carrots by the first determined mature woman to come along
02:52Well practically the first
02:55Listen, have you away them sultanas? Yes. Well, that's no substitute, is it?
03:02How old is he now? I don't tell him in case he asked for a rise
03:06There are so many problems in life. I sometimes wonder where we get the strength to carry on
03:13You're not carrying on are you mrs. Blewett?
03:16You're not so snatching a few forbidden moments of happiness. Are you? I'm not snatching anything. That's a good girl
03:22I was talking about the energy for carrying on living for making the daily effort to put a cheerful face
03:28on things
03:29Oh, when are you gonna start Monday? Oh, I didn't think that was like the mrs. Blewett
03:35I knew though. It gave me a moment's pause there when you said that. Yes. I thought hell I thought
03:40If lovers walk right in then that's the last time she's going to come to me for a dr. Brownlowe's
03:47a chester poultice
03:54Well looks like a nice a fresh day for your funeral parcel
03:58Oh
04:02And thank you very much for the order for the boiled ham and the buns for the catering
04:08So I must say if it had been left to me you'd have had her twice as many Eccles cakes
04:11for a start
04:13No doubt Lily was working on the assumption that you didn't want much fuss. Yes. Well, we both know that's
04:19untrue, don't we?
04:20But if you have any objections parcel and now's the time to speak out, you know
04:25Look at that suit a fair 50 shillian tailors. Do you remember this 50 bobby? Oh, I'll bet I bet
04:31you I couldn't get one for a fiver now
04:35Oh, well, past law you certainly went very sudden, but don't think you'll be forgotten old lad. No
04:40I shall always remember the way you still owe me for that crate of nut brown ale
04:59Oh
05:34You know
05:34You know it's about time that that bread man turned up with them her funds for the funeral
05:41I
05:41Hope he brings the buns for the funeral and all all right, all right, all right
05:46The past law never fair fluffed his words did he but he has has a source of snuffed it doesn't
05:51he?
05:52What killed him was it elocution?
05:54Anyway, what time you supposed to be going out? I don't know whether I dare go out and leave you
05:58here alone with all them big words
06:00You've got no head for business have you?
06:02Yeah, yeah, you've got no other ends not very impressive when you come to think of it. Oh
06:08I don't know where are we going with our lives?
06:12Hey, I mean the struggle what's it all in aid of the morning of a funeral uncle should give you
06:18some moments for concern
06:20Well, don't sit on the penny Jews. I mean where is it all leading to people don't want to eat
06:25a penny Jew when it's been sat on
06:28Haven't you ever stopped to consider about the quality of life, eh? I would do if I have to eat
06:33that penny Jew look at it
06:35It's all bent
06:36Do you know what that sound is?
06:38Do you know what that is?
06:39Yes, I do. That's the fight bell
06:40It means a second's out and let's get some more money in the blue corner
06:44No, that is life passing us by
06:47That is mortality, old age, sickness, death
06:52Oh, that reminds me we're getting very low on mothballs
06:57Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee
07:06Just as long as it doesn't try to reverse the charges, that's all
07:11Well, aren't you going to answer it?
07:13No, it may be tolling for thee, they answer it
07:18Yes, hello
07:21Oh, yes, would you hold on please?
07:25Mrs Parslow
07:26Oh dear
07:29Hello, Lily
07:31It's me, hark, hark, hark, hark, hark, hark
07:34Oh, oh, how did you know?
07:37Oh yes, yes, I've ordered the buns, love, yes, they'll be here
07:40When they get here, I'll keep them here, we'll pick them up on the way to the chapel
07:44Yes, I don't want to leave this lad any longer than is necessary, you see
07:48Yes, how are you coping?
07:50Well, yes, you will be busy, won't you, yes
07:52Well, you must expect to be busy, mustn't you?
07:54I mean, it's once in a lifetime, isn't it?
07:57I suppose Parslow's no help, he's lying on his back as usual, is he?
08:02Oh, in the front room, is he? Oh, he finally made it, yeah
08:06I hope he wiped his boots
08:08Eh? How are you? Oh, hang on, Lily
08:11I just heard there, Formula One, the bread man arriving
08:14That'll be your buns coming, yes
08:15Ta-ta, I'll see you later
08:18Nice morning, Granville
08:19Oh, it is
08:21What are we going to do with it?
08:23We're going to hold this door open for me, I hope
08:25We're not going to rush out and live every sweet golden moment of it, though, are we?
08:30Not unless we go on the shop bike and then make a few deliveries while we're at it, no
08:35Hey, you're late, you know
08:36Traffic? Traffic, oh
08:38Yes, it's that big bollard in Bridge Street that holds things up, isn't it?
08:42Then he gets on his bicycle and pedals back to the station
08:46It's getting worse, you know
08:47I nearly had a nasty shunt in Loxton
08:48Oh, did you? Don't tell me you had to swerve to avoid her at the cake shop's husband
08:53I'm not like that, Mr Arkwright
08:55Get off your drive like a family planner
08:58What?
08:59Now, never know when you're going to pull out in the middle of the road
09:06I'll keep on looking in on you, I'm making a little list of everything you've got to do
09:10You see, you won't be alone for long, so don't worry about it
09:12Look, I'm not worried, you're the one that's worried
09:15Look, it's my business that's at risk if you ruin it, isn't it?
09:18What, in what morning?
09:20World War 2 starting in one morning
09:23Look what that did to the grocery business
09:26All right, all right, go on, put that down
09:27Put it down on your list, you know, instructions for what I have to do in case of another outbreak
09:31in hostilities, eh?
09:32You're getting very sarcastic, Granville, you are
09:35You think I'm just a dry old man, don't you, in love with a profit motive?
09:39You charged old past Lord's widow full price for them buns
09:42You're a mean old scrote
09:44I sent a wreath? A wreath?
09:47I look more like a buttonhole
09:50Well, I can explain that
09:51So can I, you're a mean old scrote
09:54Listen, I went and priced a normal wreath
09:57Then all I did was deduct what he owed me for that crate of nut brown ale
10:01Your own best friend?
10:03Well, yes, he was when he was alive, yeah
10:06I mean, me and Parsler had many a giggle, you know
10:08But I mean, you see him now, he's not much fun
10:12You should remember him as he was
10:14I do, full of life, full of brown ale
10:18Mine mostly
10:18Now listen, while I am out, I want you to behave in a proper little shopkeeper-like manner
10:24Is that understood?
10:25I know, I know, I know exactly
10:27It's a big smile of welcome
10:29If he's a cash customer, show all your teeth
10:33Meanwhile, your hand should be hovering just a few inches from her purse
10:37And then you make casual conversation like
10:40Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Thingammybob
10:43And how's all your little paper, paper, power notes and 50p's been?
10:49Do bring your money in again
10:52Yes, that's very good, I should work on that impersonation
10:56If I were you, it might be the start of a long career in hospital
11:02There's a whole world outside that door that I've never even sampled
11:06You've nearly had the wrappers off that memorine once or twice
11:10I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about adventure, romance, the arts
11:13I mean, you see, when did we last have a natter about despair in the works of Dostoevsky?
11:18Oh, it must be ages
11:21What do you think of modern theatre?
11:23Filth
11:24You see, well what can we talk about?
11:26Life, you dozy prong
11:30Life, it's all going on out there, up and down the street, in and out the windows
11:34It's not in books
11:37You've got your head for full of intellectual fare for fluff
11:41It's an intellectual world
11:42Yeah, and then look where it's got us
11:46Where's my tea?
11:48Oh, there it is
11:53Oh dear
11:57Anyway, what do you fancy for your dinner?
11:59Well, not a lot
12:00We shall be having a bite at the funeral, of course
12:03Oh yeah, we? Who's we?
12:05Well, she'll be going, won't she, by bless her
12:07Nurse Gladys Emmanuel
12:10That's what you want, Granville
12:12A fine woman, with a fine big heart
12:16There too, if possible
12:19Beats all your books
12:21I suppose it must do
12:23Especially if you read a lot in bed
12:25Yeah, you see, your hands get so cold holding a paperback, don't they?
12:30Which you can get hold of a good woman without your hands ever leaving the underside of the blankets
12:35A warm sausage roll
12:37I shouldn't be at all surprised
12:42For your dinner?
12:45Oh, oh yes, yes, yes
12:47Well, I won't want anything cold, not with parcel the way he is
12:52I hope
12:53Nurse Gladys Emmanuel
12:54Oh, put that sausage away at once
13:00Well, then what can I do you for?
13:03Two packets of pepperbins
13:04Oh, that sounds very reasonable, I accept
13:12What do you want, extra strong, do you want?
13:15You know me, Arkwright
13:16Moderation in all things
13:18I say, you have come up a treat, Gladys Emmanuel
13:21Meaning I usually look like some sort of slovenly old bag?
13:24No, not some sort of slovenly old bag
13:26My favourite sort of slovenly old bag
13:29No, I'm only joking
13:30No, I think funerals bring out the best in a woman, you know
13:34I think it is a life's reaction in the face of death
13:38On the other hand, it could be you're just a dirty old man
13:41Yes, it could, it could
13:43I like that blouse you've got on there
13:45Ooh, I'd like to browse through that blouse
13:51One afternoon when it's wet, you know
13:54I'll send it over next time I wash it
13:58All right, all right, you win, there you are
14:01Medium strong, now are we going to have cash?
14:03Or shall we come to some little arrangement over the counter, eh?
14:07Oh, it's the filthy lucre, is it?
14:09All right then, I accept it on one condition
14:11That you save me a nice warm seat next to you in the chapel, eh?
14:14And not too near the band
14:16I mean, if I'm not sitting next to you, I shan't enjoy the funeral at all
14:20Well, you are coming then
14:21Certainly I'm coming, you don't think I'm wearing this suit
14:24To impress the bread man, do you?
14:29I think Parslow's wearing a better one than that
14:31And he's going to be cremated
14:34I'm not getting rid of this, he keeps coming back into fashion, this
14:38Look, the last of the big spenders you are, Arkwright
14:41There's two miracles I've always found difficult to believe
14:44The opening of the Red Sea and your wallet
14:47Look, I am trying to scrape together a few bobs so we can have a honeymoon
14:52We're supposed to get married first
14:54No, that was in the old days nowadays
14:57It's all a self-service now, isn't it, eh?
15:00Not round here it isn't
15:02Oh, very well then, if it'll make you feel better, I'll marry you, yes
15:05No, no, name the day, any of a bank holiday between now and Christmas
15:10And who's going to look after me mother?
15:12Ah, now I've been thinking about that
15:14Now I saw this old film the other night, you see
15:16And about Peter Cushing, he had something like your mother
15:20Which he kept in a dungeon underneath the castle
15:23And it had little red eyes, it was very hairy and it had no...
15:30Oh, she's the first person I've met who doesn't like Peter Cushing
15:33What do you like that name?
15:37What do you like that name?
15:44What do you like that name?
15:48Among my kids
15:49But it's okay and what you like to see
15:51You're a lot of people who don't like the other
15:52You're a lot of people who don't like those to me
15:53I don't do want to do to see something
15:54Hi, my friend
15:56Here's the day
15:56Where's the day
15:57Where's the day
15:57Where's the day
15:57How do you like?
16:01What do you like?
17:02LAUGHTER
17:16Don't upset yourself, Lily.
17:19We'll get the buns in.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:43If Mrs Elliewell's in a good mood, try to talk her into something extravagant for the bathroom.
17:49Are you sure you'll be all right?
17:52I'll be all right.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:10Harkwright and Granville's?
18:13Of course I'm all right.
18:15You've only been gone ten minutes.
18:17LAUGHTER
18:19Where are you speaking from?
18:21Oh, I see.
18:22Does he know you're in his study using the telephone while he's out there preaching?
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27No, go back to the chapel.
18:29And don't forget to leave the money for the call.
18:32You what?
18:33The telephone's bright red.
18:35Hey, maybe you got on the hotline.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38I should get off before we hear another voice on the line.
18:41Look, I keep telling you I'm all right.
18:44Oh, yes, we had a nice load of customers in, only one go.
18:47Yeah.
18:48A bus just came through the wall.
18:51No, no, no, no, no.
18:53We've nearly got the fire under control.
18:55It's all right, don't start stuttering.
18:57I'm only pulling your leg.
19:00That's a nice thing to say over a chapel telephone.
19:03LAUGHTER
19:03The haunt can set me free
19:09Let me tread the road with thee
19:14Guide my feet
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Leave me to the road with you
19:33Lift my heart and cleanse my soul
19:39Lead me to the heavenly home
19:45Now so small and I can try
19:51Let me tread on the home of the road
19:58What can I really
20:02That my soul was for it
20:08I am going to change
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
20:46I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
21:25I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
22:11I'm sorry.
22:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
22:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
22:44I'm sorry.
22:44I'm sorry.
22:45I'm sorry.
22:48I'm not against all forms of pleasure.
22:54It can be a great burden, Granville, being holier than everybody else.
23:01but i enjoy it what do you enjoy that
23:07good health mr wilkinson that reminds me i want a new battery oh shaver torch i know where to find
23:17them in the bushes after dark eggs out of wedlock oh them bushes they soon get worn out i beg
23:31your
23:31problem batteries oh yes i expect they would if you lose them like that next time you feel desperate
23:40for an egg lad pause and remember where it's come from the world's full of nasty places grand
23:52what do you have with your bacon mr wilkinson fried bread lad the wholesome loaf we know where that's
24:00come from don't we that randy little bread man delivers it mr wilkinson
24:10will you get a move on you're holding everything up i wish you wouldn't make these provocative
24:19statements
24:27be quite like old times for a parcel he never used to go by without stopping you know
24:41and i thought i'd pop in just as i was passing oh there's no need i'm all right well i
24:46thought you
24:46might think is that funny if i went past the road end and then didn't look in on you pardon
24:50me
24:53hey you'll be late for the crematorium oh it's all right they can clog on a bit instead of crawling
24:57hey we're doing all right aren't we has has mrs ellis bear been in for her bread yet yes and
25:04did you
25:04save them little brown rolls for mrs mucker gee yes has killed this kid been in yet no not yet
25:10ah
25:10well if he gets a troublesome yeah you know where the drawing pins are don't you hey just better pin
25:15him to the door by his socks i'll try to get back for that big rush when they all go
25:20get off the bus
25:21thing big rush it's only four or five people all at once i've better put years into this business
25:27granville i know you put years on me you keep on checking up on me you know even when parcel
25:34me was at school you know when we uh when we used to discuss the future it was always the
25:39same then
25:40you know i knew what i wanted i wanted me own business but people were like that in them days
25:45you
25:45know you could go for weeks without ever seeing a soul who worked for the state you know nowadays if
25:52you put all the government officials end to end i doubt if anyone had noticed
25:57what did old parcel want to be i don't know i i don't think he knew exactly but i'm damn
26:04sure it
26:04wasn't that out there you better get going old parcel is getting impatient yes it's all them flowers
26:11you know they're very bad for his hay fever
26:36been a funny all day all right that's for me and all that shop bells never stop ringing
26:44half the time it was you
26:48told you i don't like to be away from the shop for too long oh in that case what's all
26:54this loose
26:54chat you've been giving me about going on honeymoon oh well there are some things for which i'm willing
26:59to make an exception have you had an onion tonight yet no what sort of exceptions now's your chance nurse
27:08the world is your oyster he'll take you anywhere within cycling distance
27:14well why don't you go out and enjoy yourself eh granville eh oh well go out anyway you're always
27:20squawking about never having any time off and you say the rest of the days beyond look at that it's
27:26nearly bedtime that's true not around here it isn't not if i don't get a decent honeymoon oh all right
27:35well where do you want to go then tahiti
27:40i'm open to suggestions what did you have in mind well i thought we might borrow dicky jowett's boat and
27:46cruise the inland waterways where exactly well i quite favor the stretch of canal between here and
27:52mowbray street well don't go all national health about it i mean it's all water isn't it how can
27:59you tell it's such a mucky color and if we got all the way to exotic mowbray street you'd barely
28:05be able to hear the shop bell that old parslow wish he could go to tahiti listen where he's gone
28:13this afternoon's hot enough for anybody you're not leaving us are you i'm going to tuck my mother in
28:19oh a pity you didn't tuck her in my parslow yes and why don't you come back later and have
28:26one of
28:26my special night caps he's going out you know i don't think i'll bother oh
28:36i'll go out i'll go out and see what's happening i think oh yeah what it must be like to
28:43be young
28:44hurry back ladys to ring the bell i want you i'm making no promises good night granville oh don't
28:51send him out on his own oh don't fret about me there's so much to do i mean the whole
28:58town's abuzz
29:04sometimes if you're lucky you can find all sorts of moths to watch
29:09string of the lights
29:11so