- 3 hours ago
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00:27So, let's go.
00:30Oh, good morning, Mrs. F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Jackson.
01:02Firelighters?
01:03Oh.
01:09Firelighters?
01:09That's certainly my thing.
01:11Step inside and take the weight off your purse, won't you?
01:14Step in.
01:15No, he'll be up in a minute for his breakfast.
01:17Oh, don't you have any desire to wander around this wonderland of comestibles and novelties?
01:22Not really.
01:23Oh, well, you must bring your head in more often.
01:25Here you are.
01:26We have a giant offer on baked beans at the moment.
01:28Oh, perhaps he'd like a few baked beans with his firelighters, would he?
01:31Oh, if you like an apple, these are firm.
01:36These are firmer, crisp and sweet, eh?
01:38Well, of course, they don't burn like firelighters.
01:44Where do you want these?
01:47I said, where do you want...
01:48Oh, where's he gone now?
01:52Oh, good morning.
01:53We'll give you a moment.
01:55I'll call someone in the shop.
01:56I know it's me, you dirty idiot.
01:58I've been halfway down the street soliciting for customers.
02:02We don't get the normal customer anymore.
02:04Just it's a series of disappearing acts.
02:07I spend my whole time poking my head round the door talking to them.
02:10Where do you want these, eh?
02:11Eh?
02:11Now, you see what I'm doing now?
02:13I'm having this conversation with a cardboard box now.
02:16Come on, my arms are getting longer.
02:18Just put them down anywhere, anywhere.
02:20Listen, Granville, pay attention to me.
02:22We've got to get more of this leisure trade in here.
02:26We've got to grab the casual customer.
02:28Let me get me claws on him.
02:29And we've got to shift some of these apples and all, you know.
02:32They're not selling these.
02:33Not another sales drive.
02:35I want you to think apples, Granville.
02:38Well, how else would a young man spend his adolescence?
02:42Listen, I want you to be that totally apple-motivated for the rest of the week.
02:45If someone goes out of this shop without their buying an apple, we have for-puff-a-failed.
02:52What happens if they don't like apples?
02:54That's a negative thinking, Granville.
02:56Well, that's negative thinking, Granville.
02:58I'm so sorry.
03:00I'm pleased to beg forgiveness from honourable ancestors.
03:03Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:06I don't want you blunting that sickle.
03:08Put it down.
03:09Now, listen, if you want a bit of acting, come over here.
03:11I've got a part for you.
03:13Look, take one of these apples.
03:14Now, when a customer comes into the shop, I want you to take a bite of that, you see.
03:19But casually, as if you didn't know the customer was here, understand?
03:23Oh, Wes.
03:24Hey, now, listen, Vanessa.
03:26We don't want all that temperament.
03:28Just a little performance is all I require.
03:31No.
03:35Oh.
03:37Mayor, mayor, mayor, mayor, mayor.
03:38Mayor?
03:39Mayor, mayor, mayor.
03:40Morning.
03:42Would you let me finish speaking, please?
03:45Are you having treatment for that?
03:48For what?
03:49Your impediment.
03:50I haven't got an impediment.
03:52Impediment.
03:55The only impediment I've got is a him.
03:58What's that with him?
04:00I'm sick of trying to preserve a shred of emotional integrity in this crude commercial environment.
04:06Oh, is that why you're standing there talking to a shelf full of puff pastry?
04:11What can you do with him at that age, eh?
04:13Our Eileen's girl married one of them sociology graduates.
04:16Oh, perhaps we'll try that.
04:18I want an ounce of Sweet Virginia and two packet of cigarette papers.
04:22I'll just say, Sweet Virginia.
04:23Don't just try to sell him something.
04:24Talk to him about his dreams and his aspirations.
04:28See, they've got the drains up again outside the slaughterhouse.
04:32We never make any real contact.
04:34That's not what you said the other day when I switched on.
04:37You had your fingers up the lightbulb, Sophie, was it?
04:40There we are, sir.
04:43It's 18 and a 90.
04:46Oh, 100.
04:46Thank you very much.
04:47Oh, but by the way, one of these a day keeps the doctor away.
04:51Keeps him away?
04:52Have you tried to get hold of one lately?
04:57Impediment, you cheeky devil.
04:59I'm fed up with all these foreigners coming up here and taking our jobs.
05:03Oh, get off.
05:07Right, come on.
05:08I want a bit of teamwork down here now.
05:09Come on.
05:10I see.
05:11I've got to start pulling a cart now, have I?
05:12No, no, no.
05:13Just take hold of that.
05:15All right, now what?
05:16I want you to bite it.
05:18It's rotten.
05:19Well, you're not practising on the good ones, are you?
05:21They're for sale.
05:23It's got a worm in it.
05:25Well, you're not but blessed with uncontrollable wild teeth, are you?
05:29Surely you can steer past a little bit of worm.
05:32Look, it's not a question of where it is now.
05:35One has to ask oneself what it did on the surface when it went in.
05:42Well, let us be brave and face it.
05:44The first thing it did was to wipe about 48 pairs of shoes covered in earwig manure.
05:51No, no, no.
05:53Listen, for bright eyes and a glossy coat, the human body requires the occasional trace element
05:57of earwig manure, you know.
05:59No.
06:00Well, put it this way.
06:01Ha!
06:02Ha!
06:08Why has life always got a worm in it?
06:11Well, you've got a worm in it.
06:26Ha!
06:26Ha!
06:29Ha!
06:31Ha!
06:32Ha!
06:34Ha!
06:35Ha!
06:36Ha!
06:37Ha!
06:37Ha!
06:38Ha!
06:38Ha!
06:40Ha!
06:40Ha!
06:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
07:55Oh, my morning, Mrs. Jardine.
07:57Oh, good morning, Mr. Arkwright.
07:59Do you have a large cocktail biscuit?
08:02I think so, yes.
08:04Yes, how is Mr. Jardine?
08:06Very well, thank you.
08:07Still highly thought of at the works.
08:09Oh, yes, he puts in a lot of long hours, doesn't he?
08:12He's the executive treadmill, you know.
08:14Oh, yes, fancy, fancy.
08:16And to think I knew him when he was just an ordinary human being, you know.
08:19He has done very well.
08:21Oh, amazing.
08:22And he used to come in here for antiperspirant just like anybody else.
08:26We are fully expecting an invitation to the chairman's dinner this year.
08:31Oh.
08:31It's not official, you understand, but one here is on the grapevine.
08:36Oh, there does one.
08:37Oh, we still use the old-fashioned telephone, aren't we?
08:42Oh, Granville, I was just saying, I remember when Mr. Jardine used to come in here, you know.
08:47Well, you know, if you asked him the reason for his success, he would purse his lips in that thoughtful
08:54manner of the modern executive,
08:56and he would say very quietly in that modest way they have, in case they might be wrong,
09:01Now, I owe it all to apples.
09:05Oh, yes, he used to say, swear by apples, Mrs. Jardine, didn't he, Granville?
09:09Oh, the nourishment in that humble fruit, he used to say.
09:13Mind you, I don't suppose he'd remember that nowadays, no, if you told him, you know.
09:16Not with having said so much on his grapevine.
09:18But I remember it as if it were yesterday.
09:21He used to say to me, I cried, he'd say,
09:23The day I stop eating apples will be the day I finish functioning as a fully fledged of a first
09:31-class executive brain.
09:32But he wears dentures now.
09:34And that will apply, he said, even when I wear dentures.
09:39So how many would you like? Several?
10:00Hello, Gladys Emanuel, and nice to see you're looking so cheerful.
10:05Oh, it's you.
10:07Have you got one of them nice, big, round cottage loaves?
10:11No, but you have.
10:14That'll do.
10:16All I've got is a small wrap wonder roll.
10:18Save it for me.
10:20It's yours any time you want it.
10:23Oh, well, you know that. I've told you that before.
10:26Speaking of that, when are you and me going to hold this year's final of the Northeastern Mouse Festival in
10:32your bedroom, eh?
10:36Tonight, if you like.
10:38My mother's going out. The welfare people are taking her to see Oklahoma.
10:42Tonight?
10:43Yes, but you needn't get into serious training.
10:46It'll be in the front room, and if you're lucky, a bite of supper.
10:50A bite?
10:52Food, I'm talking about. Not your sort.
10:55Light yourself up a bit.
10:57Don't just drift over in your brown overall.
11:00I feel like being pampered.
11:02Right, Gladys. I'll pamper you, all right.
11:04I'll pamper you till there's not another perpant left in me.
11:07You seem like Christmas all over again, eh?
11:10Hang on. There's at least one more shopping day left, Arkwright, and I should get back over there.
11:16Right.
11:17I like the Christmas theme, though. I should stick to that.
11:20How do you mean?
11:21Well, if you're a wise man, you'll come bearing gifts.
11:26If I wasn't here right now, cleaning down this bacon slicer, I'd like to be flying a jumbo jet into
11:32Kennedy Airport.
11:32Oh, taxi up to the terminal.
11:36There'll be some fabulously wealthy American bird waiting for me in the chauffeur-driven Lincoln Continental.
11:43I'd give her, you know, a quick wave from the cockpit.
11:49Because I could see her there, you know, looking all wealthy with her motor running.
11:56She'd be waiting for me to change out of my uniform, you see, because, I mean, we couldn't hit the
12:00night spots, not if I'm selling me penny in bicycle clips.
12:04You know, what this shop needs is customers of at least three minutes full duration.
12:10I like rich birds. It's not because of the money.
12:12It's because rich birds like new cars. They're always in showroom condition.
12:18You see, a shop shouldn't just be a place where you go and buy things.
12:22It should be somewhere where you can wander around and relax and just spend money stupidly.
12:28Rich birds always come with all the optional extras.
12:32You know what we need here, don't you?
12:35A touch of self-service. Nothing too elaborate.
12:38Oh, no, we must maintain the standards of courtesy and service, which have made the grocery business a byword for
12:44greed.
12:45No, all we need is just one central island here.
12:50Just here, where they can wander around and indulge in a bit of impulse buying.
12:56But it would have to be an Aladdin's cave.
12:58An Aladdin's cave, in a chock-a-block with the irresistible treasures of an advanced consumer society.
13:18Among all these irresistible treasures of an advanced consumer society,
13:23don't you think these few sticks of celery are a bit limpy?
13:34Well, we can't just cater for the leisure-mad luxury trade, you know.
13:39We must provide a little bit of something for everybody.
13:42Well, you ought to appreciate that. It was always your mother's motto.
13:48You know what you're built here, don't you?
13:50You have built a little grotto for shoplifters.
13:53Eh?
13:54I mean, look, if we're up here behind the counter and they're in there,
13:58they will not only be nicking stuff wholesale, but retail.
14:03You reckon?
14:04Aye.
14:05Still, I don't know.
14:06I mean, I suppose if you're going self-service, it's worth risking having a few things pinched, I suppose.
14:11What are you talking about?
14:12Now, what I mean is you've got to keep out of the way, you see.
14:16You see, you have to keep out of the way so that your customers can relax.
14:20Yes.
14:20And I don't know whether to prosecute them and risk the bad publicity
14:23or just shoot them in the leg a bit.
14:27Well, before you go and get your gun out, we haven't had any customers yet.
14:55You see, it doesn't work, does it?
14:57Let's get it down.
14:58Come on, give us a hand.
14:59Oh, come on, wait a minute.
15:00Give it a chance.
15:01Give it a chance.
15:02Well, look, they're supposed to be seized by this wild, ungovernable lust, aren't they,
15:06for things on the shelves?
15:07They're supposed to just walk in and suddenly, ba-ba-boom.
15:10Ba-ba-boom?
15:12Yes.
15:12They're supposed to be seized by this ungovernable lust.
15:15I mean, it's supposed to be like a customer trap, isn't it?
15:19I mean, they come in one minute, next minute, they are squirming securely on the end of your turtotill.
15:25Well, look, they might be if you didn't frighten them off.
15:27I mean, you can't expect to catch them if you're breathing down their necks.
15:31I mean, you know, you've just got to let them get on with it.
15:33What, you mean they turn your back on them?
15:35Yeah, that's right.
15:36Well, then, then, then, not keep your eye on them all the time?
15:39No, exactly.
15:41Oh, you can't do that.
15:44Well, you're going to have to try.
15:46Here you are.
15:50There you are.
15:51He looks all right.
15:52Yeah, he looks like Himmler.
16:00Good nabbit.
16:01Shh.
16:31Oh, oh!
16:33Oh, oh, oh!
16:36Oh!
16:43That's good, right, Dad.
16:49Oh!
16:53Oh!
16:54Oh!
17:05Ah, gotcha. Come on.
17:07Well, where are you going at that?
17:09Granville, ring the British Embassy.
17:14Serves you right for being so suspicious.
17:16Well, how did I know he was a verve a vicar?
17:21He shouldn't gawk her creeping around without his collar on.
17:25He wasn't a vicar. He was a lay preacher.
17:27Sort of religious special constable.
17:31Well, he should have worn a helmet, then.
17:34That was some sermon he gave me, you know.
17:38Well, serves you right. You asked for it.
17:39Look, I don't need to be told to love my neighbour, do I,
17:42when I've been unofficially engaged in a Nurse Gladys Emanuel all this time?
17:47Well, looky, we're only looking at the goods.
17:49Well, that's about as far as you're going to get with Nurse Gladys Emanuel and all.
17:54Oh, well, here's a little bit of news for you, then, Reginald Bozenkett.
18:00She has just invited me over.
18:03Oh, yeah? What for?
18:04For the evening, that's what's for.
18:06And by the look on her tone of voice, she's going to remove all obstacles.
18:13Her entire gas fire will be open to me.
18:18But she'll need coaxing with little trifles.
18:21Better take her some of those out of the freezer, those blackcurrant and walnut aren't selling very well.
18:25Look, I'm looking for something to put her on the right lines, not to freeze her points over.
18:31Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll take her.
18:34You remember them earmuffs that we had once as a special line that never went?
18:38I'll take her three pairs of them, I think.
18:40Three pairs? Three pairs? Don't go mad. One pair's enough.
18:44Oh, one pair's enough for her ears, but what about her theirs and her everywheres?
18:50With any luck, I might get to put them on her.
18:54Now, where the hangman are, them muffs, then?
18:57Well, you'll find them in the Aladdin's cave.
19:00Around a tin of cream undercoat.
19:02Oh, thank you, Widow Twanky.
19:08I don't think I can put up with this self-service much longer, you know.
19:12It's such a strain on your nerves, is it?
19:14I know, it's a strain on your customers' nerves and all,
19:17especially when you leap out the middle there going,
19:18Where are you going with that?
19:22That's only my bit of fun, rubbish.
19:24Listen, I'm not going to leave the customers alone with a stock.
19:28It's like hiring your wife out for parties.
19:33Yeah, do people do that?
19:34No, of course it...
19:35Hey, that's not a bad idea, is it, though, eh?
19:37There must be a bigger profit margin in it than groceries.
19:41A pound for a pound, I mean.
19:44Hey, don't you hate the days when you'd tread on a Swiss roll?
19:48Oh, dear.
19:49Hey, what about these? What do you think?
19:51No?
19:52No?
19:57Oh, hello there, Nurse Gladys.
19:58Have you come for your Wonder Roll?
20:00Perhaps you'd prefer a Swiss roll, would you?
20:02Look at that, you see.
20:03Special new design to enable you to send it through the post.
20:08Or perhaps you would prefer a nice, ice, ice,
20:11a nice, ice, ice bun, would you?
20:13I want a stepladder.
20:14Oh, my God, you must be hungry.
20:18Granville, go and pick out a nice, tender stepladder
20:20for Nurse Gladys, would you?
20:22I'm not buying it, you great tomfool.
20:24I want to borrow it.
20:25I've locked myself out.
20:26Oh, dear, how fortunate.
20:29I might have known I'd get a lot of sympathy from you, Ark, right?
20:32Look, what's all this?
20:33Oh, this is the new self-service department, my love.
20:37Oh, I thought you'd been taken over by war on want.
20:42Why, dear love, can you come over and give me hand to get in the window?
20:45Oh, we'll both come over.
20:47Then he can hold the ladder and I can give you a bunk up, can't I?
20:51This is all we've got.
20:53Will these do?
20:53Yes, anything will do.
20:54Come on, let's get started.
20:55Time's money, isn't it?
20:56Let's get over there.
20:57I think I'd feel safer if you stayed on your own side of the street
21:01whilst I'm climbing in the window.
21:03Oh.
21:04I don't want to feel your hot breath steaming up with double glazing.
21:10I hope and trust that that won't apply to our rendezvous tonight.
21:14I mean, that's a still-honor dick.
21:15If I ever get back in the house...
21:17Hey, why bother?
21:18Why bother?
21:19Why don't you move into my spare room upstairs?
21:22I assure you that the rent would be nominal.
21:24Don't you mean phenomenal?
21:27He's doing that all the time now, leaving bits off words.
21:30You should have heard what he called Constable Bottomley the other day.
21:33Hey, hey, hey, you just keep your mouth shut on
21:36or wash it out with quick-drying cement at once.
21:39No, seriously, Gladys,
21:40why don't you become my fully-furnished tenant, eh?
21:43I'd have promised you every comfort.
21:45I have a feeling the price might be a bit high.
21:47Oh, no, no, no.
21:48Two pounds a week and I wouldn't want much down.
21:51Two pounds a week, you wouldn't be getting anything down.
21:54Come on, Randville.
21:55Listen, you could pay in kind.
21:58Oh, yes.
21:59What kind of kind?
22:00Oh, any kind of kind you're kind enough to offer.
22:03Listen, I don't want that step ladder shop soiled, you understand?
22:07Will you try and just step on every other rung?
22:10It's a good job Romeo didn't have you for an uncle.
22:12He would have never reached that balcony.
22:14Listen, listen.
22:15They cost money, these things.
22:17All right, I'll tell you what I'll do, shall I?
22:18I shall go up these steps backwards on my hands
22:21and open the window with me feet.
22:23And if anybody asks me what I'm doing,
22:24I shall say that I'm a passing Australian
22:26just looking up a relative.
22:34Down a bit.
22:35How far?
22:36I'll tell you when to stop.
22:39Stop!
22:44Stop!
22:45Now, just take it up a bit again, will you?
22:53Come on, up, up.
22:54Now, no, not too far.
22:55Just breathe.
22:56No, no, you missed it.
22:57Take up a bit there.
22:59No, no, that's it.
23:00Tie it up about there, yes.
23:01You're like a man who knows his own mind.
23:04That's good, that.
23:05That's very good, that.
23:06Well, I'm glad you're happy about it.
23:07Oh, it means I can stand here smiling
23:10and still keep an eye on the thieving articles.
23:13Yeah, it means that I'm without a wardrobe door.
23:15But surely that's a small sacrifice, isn't it?
23:18Yes.
23:18For this security.
23:20I know, it may be small for you.
23:21You've still got your wardrobe door.
23:23Oh, I can't give up my door.
23:25Oh, no, it must be available at all times
23:28for the garments of Gladys Emanuel.
23:31So should she move in?
23:32What, into your wardrobe?
23:35Into my wedlock.
23:37For meanwhile, I'm open for moths in me mohairs.
23:40Oh, that conjures off a very nasty picture.
23:42Come over here.
23:43Come on.
23:44Oh, no, not again.
23:46What do you mean, again?
23:46You haven't even started.
23:48Now, come on.
23:48I want to try and hear how you bite that.
23:51Now, let's have some expression, purple,
23:53and a bit of zip into it.
23:54I've got a zippy in me mohairs,
23:55but that's not going to stop the moths getting in
23:56and having a ball.
24:01Would you just take a bite out of that
24:03before my mouth gets you into trouble, please?
24:08Have you started yet?
24:10Yes!
24:11Well, louder, louder.
24:12Any particular key?
24:13No, any old key.
24:15Just a loud key.
24:17What?
24:17Oh, that's better.
24:19That's a bit better.
24:20Yes, now, try and look as if you're enjoying it,
24:21would you?
24:24Sour.
24:24No, they're not sour.
24:26Oh, no.
24:27No, in the trade, they're known as mouth-watering.
24:31Well, in the bath, they're known as eye-watering.
24:35Preferuity and mouth-watering.
24:36Have you got that?
24:37And try and look a bit more pleasant, please.
24:39Pleasant?
24:40Pleasant is me who's got to eat the grubby sour little apples.
24:42Now, simmer down, Granville.
24:44It's me who's wondering about consuming earwig manure.
24:47Yeah, don't lose it, Granville.
24:49It doesn't look as if Shirley Bassey is ever going to answer my letter.
24:53Now, what we need, you know, is a little slogan for the window.
24:56Nothing too elaborate.
24:58Just a few golden phrases or two.
25:00Now, come on, think.
25:02I want a rise.
25:03Don't be dirty.
25:08That's a disgusting thing to say.
25:10Your language is getting atrocious these days.
25:18Why are you writing to Shirley Bassey?
25:22Because I've finished with Julie Andrews.
25:27Get up there, bud.
25:33Ah, yes.
25:36Are you looking for some medication?
25:39Oh, good afternoon.
25:41I'm looking for some medication.
25:46I'm afraid that's our full selection.
25:50Is this your full selection?
25:55We don't carry a lot these days.
25:58I suppose you don't carry a lot these days.
26:01I'm wasting me time.
26:03He's clairvoyant.
26:04I'm looking for something I can use for wax in the ears.
26:08I don't think you need anything.
26:09You're deaf as it is.
26:12I'm afraid it makes me a little deaf.
26:14Yes, it's the wax in your ears doing that.
26:18You have nothing for it, I see.
26:20Apples.
26:22Pardon?
26:25Apples.
26:27I'm sorry, but I could have sworn you said apples.
26:33Oh, louder, louder.
26:40Louder.
26:42Well, it's not usually a powder.
26:45It's usually in a bottle with a rubber dropper.
26:50Oh, dear.
26:52Poor lad.
26:53You'd better serve this young man first.
26:55He needs something more than I do.
26:57Oh, you're going to get something the minute you turn your back at home.
27:02You deaf old twit.
27:07These instant chips take longer than ordinary ones.
27:11You won't be wanting anything when you're coming tonight, will you?
27:13No, no.
27:14I shall be having everything I want over there with any luck.
27:19Touch wood and whistle.
27:21No, I shall come back from Nurse Gladys Emanuel's thoroughly replete.
27:25Replete?
27:25Sounds like you've been eating Chinese radishes.
27:29Replete.
27:30Satisfied.
27:31Don't you know any big words?
27:33Have you gleaned nothing from the rich harvest of knowledge available to you on the back of the cornflake packets?
27:40Now, where's my little present?
27:43We're going to take her chocolates.
27:45No, no.
27:45No, I've got something special, Granville.
27:49Something primeval, if you like.
27:50The first gift ever exchanged in love between a man and a woman, stretching across the centuries to the dawn
27:59of time.
28:02What do you mean, I don't...
28:03Get out!
28:05Oh, dear.
28:05Come on, clear off, you dingy devil.
28:08It's what Eve gave Adam.
28:13Well, I'll tell you what this Eve's going to do.
28:16She's going to heave them right back at you.
28:18Oh, get off!
28:22Oh!
28:23Get off it!
28:26Granville!
28:27Fetch a box!
28:37That central display is coming down tomorrow.
28:40Enough's enough.
28:41The run-free tights with a special offer on the back will be tucked away where they belong.
28:47Next to the meat paste.
28:51Them apples will get sold eventually, I suppose.
28:54They'll just go soft, that's all.
28:57Well, after all, that's life, isn't it?
29:01To Elvis has self-service, I say.
29:04Tomorrow we start with a new motto.
29:06God help those who help themselves.
29:10APPLAUSE