- 19 hours ago
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FunTranscript
00:00PIANO PLAYS
00:38Oh, dear.
00:40Granville, fetch your cloth.
00:42I'm doing this.
00:44What makes you think I can be in two places at once?
00:47Your trouble is you're sometimes not even in one place at once.
00:50Come and clean this. It's filthy. Look at it.
00:53There's enough dirt on there to fill the black hole of cacao...
00:57The black hole of...
00:59The black hole of the hanging gardens of Babylon.
01:03LAUGHTER
01:03LAUGHTER
01:08LAUGHTER
01:09LAUGHTER
01:09LAUGHTER
01:12LAUGHTER
01:36Morning, Granville!
01:44Oh, Granville, your nerves are bad.
01:47No, it's just me body.
01:48My nerves are still in bed.
01:51How do you manage to get up every morning at this time?
01:54I have to.
01:55I've got to own me living again, now I'm divorced.
01:57Oh, you're divorced?
01:59Yeah, a year ago.
02:01I'm all on me own again.
02:03Oh, on your own.
02:04That big house, eh?
02:05No one to talk to.
02:07All those empty echoing beds, I mean rooms.
02:10Well, not exactly.
02:12I'm living with my mum and dad, then there's our Kenny and our Vera.
02:15You remember our Vera?
02:16Call that living on your own?
02:18You know what I mean.
02:19Why is it every female I meet is always surrounded by relatives?
02:22There's no way you can ever go and have a quiet, eh, discussion.
02:26Well, there must be somewhere.
02:28No, not outdoors, not this time of year.
02:31Well, why don't you invite a girl to your place?
02:33No.
02:34He's always in.
02:36But he can't be here all the time.
02:37He must be joking.
02:38The last time he spent a whole night away from here was in 1957.
02:44Nineteen fifty-seven?
02:45Hmm.
02:47Where did he go?
02:48Have his appendix out.
02:50He wouldn't do it for him while the shop was shot on a Sunday.
02:54Well, why is he so opposed to going away?
02:57Because he's got all his money stashed away inside.
02:59He's guarding the world's most valuable oxo tin.
03:04Well, why don't you tell him there's more to life than money?
03:08Hmm.
03:09Don't you think I'd better wait until I've found out what it is?
03:11Oh, come on, Granville, don't give me that.
03:14I bet you've been around.
03:16Oh, yes.
03:17I've been around.
03:19I've been around here till nine o'clock at night.
03:25By the time I'm finished, all the town's either fixed up washing its air or gone to bed.
03:30You poor love.
03:32What you need is a sympathetic married woman.
03:41Or better still, a sympathetic ex-married woman.
04:00Call me.
04:07What will?
04:08What will?
04:13What will that crash?
04:16A bottle of milk.
04:17Oh, thank God for that.
04:18I thought for the moment it sounded like an escaping oxo tin.
04:24How can you sleep standing up?
04:28I'm not sleeping.
04:29I'm dreaming.
04:31You think life has passed you by.
04:32And all of a sudden something magical happens.
04:35And you find yourself...
04:39Sweeping up broken milk bottles.
04:45There's no excuse for tight jeans at her age.
04:48It's just willful.
04:49She's always been inclined towards...
04:55You know.
04:56Yeah, well, she certainly gets through a lot of aspirin.
04:59Yes, I'm not surprised.
05:01The only one I blame is her mother.
05:03Her mother had the American army during the war.
05:08Not all of them, I trust.
05:10You'd have thought so if you'd lived next door.
05:12And it wasn't as though she was good looking.
05:15I mean, she had a face like a fit.
05:17That's true.
05:18Though, mind you, I can't quite think what it would have fitted.
05:22Her features never seemed to know the value of teamwork, did they?
05:27Well, ugly or not, she certainly wore out a few Glenn Miller records.
05:31You could hear them playing in the mood and jive in till all hours.
05:36There wasn't a weekend past you couldn't find one unconscious in the garden.
05:41Unconscious? What had she done with them?
05:42Never you mind. Stop it here, Wiggin.
05:44And there she was, loading it up with her nylons and peanut butter.
05:48Is it any wonder her daughter's the same?
05:51She was seen in a parked car down Cobbets Lane.
05:54I know.
05:55Someone recognised her shoes through the window.
06:09And they do say that second child isn't his.
06:13But he doesn't care.
06:14As long as he's got the strength to blow the froth off another barmaid.
06:20And a 10p change, Mrs Bay Bay Blewett.
06:24Greg Ranville, open the door for me and me and me.
06:28Oh, you've done it. All good.
06:32And you want to keep away from strong drink and bad women?
06:37And what's more important, keep away from bad drink and strong women.
06:42I do keep away.
06:43There's no one round here more successful at it.
06:46If the Duke of Edinburgh gave an award for having nothing to do with women,
06:49I'd win second prize after Larry Grayson.
06:53Well after.
06:59You ought to get about more.
07:01You know, have the odd night off.
07:04If you put all the magistrates in this country nose to tail,
07:07I wonder if they'd finally get a clearer view of their responsibilities.
07:13Don't you ever feel like a bit of a holiday?
07:15Hm?
07:15The Workers' Revolutionary Party claims that
07:18there are concentration camps ready and waiting all over this country.
07:22They must mean they're the Butlins.
07:26You're not getting any younger.
07:28Who, me?
07:30Yes, you.
07:30You think you're going to live forever?
07:32Well, I'm going to have a damn good try, aren't you?
07:34There's a whole great world outside.
07:37Just passing us by.
07:38No, not all of them don't pass us by.
07:40Some of them poke their heads in the shop and hand them money over the counter.
07:44Money? That's all you think about money?
07:46Listen to him, I've half-raised an atheist.
07:49Look, you ought to get away for a night.
07:53Oh, yes, and leave you here with my Myoxo tin.
07:56You who don't believe in anything.
07:58Eh? I do. I believe in lots of things.
07:59No, you don't. You're an infidel.
08:01No, I'm not. I believe in, you know, music and art and literature.
08:06You don't believe in anything real, do you?
08:08Yeah, they're real.
08:09No, they're not. No, they're not. Not to us.
08:12They're only real to people like teachers who don't have to work for a living.
08:16PHONE RINGS
08:18Hear that little tinkle? That's real, that's real.
08:22Little bit more for the Oxo tin.
08:24Go on, go fetch it. Good dog, Rover.
08:32Morning, Granville.
08:36You ought to put your foot down.
08:38What?
08:39Do you both good.
08:41What would? A change.
08:44What are you talking about?
08:46Do you know how long it's been since he last had a night away from here?
08:501957.
08:51There you are, you see. He even brags about it.
08:53You're right, of course. I should get him out more.
08:56Otherwise, if we get married, I'll never see daylight.
08:59That's right.
09:00You could start slow, you know, with maybe the one night away sometime.
09:05Yeah, but when?
09:06Oh, I don't know. What about tonight?
09:10Do you call that starting slow?
09:11I can watch the shop.
09:13No.
09:15Mind, tomorrow is my day off.
09:18And if we could get him out of here sometime this afternoon, we'd have all tomorrow as well.
09:22You'd have to be firm with him.
09:23It'd be a terrible shop.
09:26But our cat could sleep in and see to me mother.
09:28But will you be all right here on your own?
09:30Well, I'm not absolutely certain, but I think I'm in with a real chance.
09:38Well, I'd better take her to clean one of everything.
09:41But what is everything?
09:43I mean, what do you need for a night out as an engaged per person?
09:47And not necessarily what you thought you were going to need before she insisted on separate rooms.
09:54Call me, she said.
09:56That's why she said, call me.
09:58With the distinct implication that the minute I put the phone down, she'd be round.
10:03I'm in. I'm in.
10:05You're in, Granville. You're in.
10:08My God, it's about time.
10:11Why do we need two rooms?
10:14What's the point of being an engaged person if you can't economise a bit?
10:20I mean, everyone knows engaged persons only become engaged persons so they can do their bit to economise a bit.
10:27All over the country, there must be hotels full of engaged persons, all but busily doing their bit.
10:34Oh.
10:36I hope she'll be gentle with me.
10:42Of course she will. Of course she will. Don't be a fool.
10:45She's been married. She knows about these things.
10:47Just take your time.
10:49I want this to be a deeply moving experience.
10:53I mean, it's a crucial watershed in a person's life.
10:57A unique blend of gentleness and violence with just a hint of danger.
11:03Reminds me, I must remember to wear my St Christopher medal.
11:08Now, a clean pair of pyjamas in case I should inadvertently just stumble upon the wrong room.
11:15I hope.
11:16I'll wear them polka dot ones I had for Christmas, that's it.
11:20Oh, oh no.
11:23No, I shall look like a woodpecker with acne.
11:31In the space of an hour, how can I turn this into a place fit for a milk woman to
11:36live in?
11:41Mind you, there's no guaranteeing that she'll come round.
11:46What if she's washing her hair?
11:48There.
11:52Hey, you're not taking that ratty old case.
11:55A ratty old case?
11:56Hey, look at it.
11:57I've hardly ever used that case.
11:59What do you mean, it's falling to pieces?
12:00Ah, well I've got an ingenious little device to combat that.
12:03Oh yeah, where?
12:04Here.
12:05It's called a hairy string.
12:09You don't imagine that Nurse Gladys Emanuel, in all her finery, is going to be seen out with you with
12:16a thing like that.
12:16Well, I had given that her some thought.
12:18Yes, well I'm glad.
12:19Yes, and I've come to the conclusion that if I drape my raincoat over my arm, it'll hardly show at
12:23all.
12:24Oh, I see. So you're not going to get a new one then?
12:26No, not for separate rooms I'm not getting a new one.
12:29I don't know what's come over her.
12:31I mean, you just think you're set up for a normal working day, then suddenly in she barges,
12:36looking like a very attractive heavy goods vehicle.
12:41And then suddenly you're going out for the night.
12:44What brought it all up?
12:45Oh, I don't know, just a whim I fancy.
12:48Anyway, don't you worry, you go off and enjoy yourself.
12:51You know, I'll look after my end.
12:53Yeah, that's what's worrying me.
12:55While you're here looking after your end, who's looking after the shop?
12:59I'm looking after the shop.
13:01Suppose there's a crisis.
13:02A crisis, a crisis.
13:04Look, it's only a shop, it's not a jumbo jet.
13:06Listen to him.
13:07Only a shop, he says, only a shop.
13:10How can I leave it with someone who takes that attitude?
13:13Aha!
13:15The infamous dreaded ox-o-tin.
13:21Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?
13:22Keep your voice down.
13:23Someone might hear you.
13:25Why is it so heavy?
13:27Well, it's not only for paper money in there.
13:29There's a few old coins as well.
13:32Well, they're solid silver before 1922, you know.
13:35You're not taking that lot away with you, are you?
13:37I'm not leaving it here, that's for sure.
13:39You can't take a terrible old thing covered in dents and scratches for a night out with your fiancée.
13:44Well, I'm going to.
13:46And I'm taking my ox-o-tin and all.
13:50It's too heavy.
13:51Yeah, it's not.
13:54Off it comes.
13:59The handles can't come off now.
14:01Oh, do you have a good mind to take this case back to where I bought it from?
14:05The trouble is they will be bombed out during the war.
14:11Granville!
14:12I can't find a damn thing in here.
14:14Granville!
14:15Huh?
14:16What are you looking for?
14:17Me money belt.
14:18I can't find me, my money belt.
14:20Money belt?
14:21I didn't know you had a money belt.
14:22Never seen you wearing a money belt.
14:24Look, of course you haven't seen me wearing a money belt.
14:26You're not supposed to see people wearing money belts.
14:28They're supposed to be a secret, aren't they?
14:30You don't wear them outside your sports jacket, do you?
14:35Kept it a secret, all right.
14:36It's news to me.
14:37I thought you just wore your old ox-o-tin.
14:40Don't you be cheeky.
14:42Now, come on, help me find it.
14:43I know it's here.
14:43I've ever seen it.
14:45Right.
14:45When?
14:46Well, I saw it last...
14:47Well, a few...
14:49Well, it must have been...
14:50It's 1957.
14:53Oh, great.
14:54Yeah, well, I wore it last time, you see, when I went to have my appendicitis out.
14:58Do you know I haven't moved from this house since then?
15:01I know that.
15:02Well, what's it look like?
15:03Oh, it looks like a money belt.
15:05It's got this little nick in it where this damn fool surgeon caught it with his scalpel.
15:16You never wore it on the operating table, did you?
15:19I had to.
15:21They don't let you stay awake.
15:25I'm surprised.
15:26They didn't rip it off you.
15:27Oh, no, you see, that's the beauty of this little...
15:30You can't rip it off because it's got steel wires in it.
15:33And you lock yourself into it with a key, you see.
15:36You don't care how you throw your money around, do you, eh?
15:39Oh, here it is.
15:40Here it is.
15:40There it is.
15:41Look, I've got it there to his look.
15:46Where are you going to wear that?
15:47Round one leg?
15:49You've put weight on since then.
15:51You'll never get into that.
15:52Oh, yes, I will.
15:53I'll...
15:54Well, I'll just have to jiggle things a bit.
16:01Super Sheen.
16:03Yes, I like Super Sheen.
16:04Ah, good.
16:06Another satisfied customer.
16:09Mind you, I like Sunset Silk as well.
16:15I never find it easy to make me mind up.
16:17Have you noticed that?
16:18Yeah, you're well known for it in the area, Mavis.
16:21Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
16:23Oh, I don't know, really.
16:25I couldn't listen to anything my husband wouldn't approve of.
16:28No, no, I didn't mean anything.
16:30On the other hand, even if you're married, my feeling is you're still a person.
16:35Then I could be wrong.
16:38How did you happen to get married, Mavis?
16:40You know, when you had to say yes or no.
16:42How did you make your mind up then?
16:45I told him I'd think about it.
16:47Oh, well, it's not actually making your mind up, is it?
16:49I mean, what was it about him?
16:51I liked his clean fingernails.
16:54Yeah, I know, all right.
16:55But, I mean, it's a very important decision, isn't it?
16:57So, you know, what finally decided you to say yes or no?
17:02I thought I was pregnant.
17:08And were you?
17:09No.
17:13You were going to make a suggestion to me, Granville.
17:15Hm?
17:16Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to.
17:18I'll understand.
17:20No, no, I was just going to suggest about the shampoo, you know.
17:23Oh, oh, the shampoo.
17:24Aye.
17:25Oh, but shall I need the one for dry hair or normal hair?
17:28Yeah.
17:30You've got normal hair.
17:32Oh, do you think so?
17:33Oh, yes.
17:34You've got the most normal hair of anybody I've ever met in my entire life.
17:38Oh, Granville.
17:40Oh, Mavis.
17:41Oh, yes.
17:42Oh, dear.
17:44That'll be 16p, thank you, Mavis.
17:46Will there be anything else today?
17:48Er, no.
17:49No, thank you, Mr Arkwright.
17:51Mavis, it's yours, it's mine.
17:54Well, I can't stand here all day.
17:59Just, er, you know, just seeing what, er, shampoo suited her best.
18:03Oh, yes.
18:04Well, let's hope she doesn't have a poppin' for bath salts.
18:10Oh, hey, what's up with you?
18:12Eh, what, it's a bit...
18:13It's a bit nippy in here.
18:20I don't find it chilly at all.
18:22No, no, it's nippy in the money belt.
18:23The money belt's nippy in here.
18:25Oh, I think you're right.
18:27I think I have put on a couple of pounds since I wore it last.
18:30I told you it'd be too small for you.
18:32Come on.
18:32Sit down if you can't walk a bath.
18:33No, no, I've tried that.
18:35That's worse.
18:37It's the...
18:38It's the...
18:38Coins that make your...
18:39Your eyes water.
18:43You haven't got those old coins in there as well, have you?
18:46Well, they're solid silver before 1922, you know.
18:49Oh, yes, no, I know exactly where they are now under lock and key.
18:53I like to know that.
18:54And when I try to sit down a bit careless, my God, I'm reminded.
19:01Look, you can't take the nurse out walking like that.
19:12I'll soon get the hang of things.
19:18I think I'd better rephrase that question.
19:21You look like the hunch crutch of Notre Dame.
19:42It won't be a minute.
19:47What's he doing?
19:48He's just finishing off page five.
19:50Of what?
19:51Me list of instructions.
19:53What have you got there?
19:54Hmm?
19:55It's his suitcase.
19:56Oh, God, I thought that was something you were taking to the dustbin.
20:00Cover it up.
20:01Don't let anybody see it.
20:02I'll develop his spending muscle if it's the last thing I do.
20:06I hope he's bringing some money with him.
20:08Don't worry about that.
20:12Boy, is he bringing some money with him.
20:19Now what's he doing?
20:21What are you walking like that for?
20:23You're getting an old man.
20:25Listen, if we're that old, why do we have to have two rooms?
20:29We're having two rooms.
20:30Oh.
20:30Come on, let's go if we're going.
20:32Yes.
20:32You can drive.
20:33Oh.
20:40Look after it, Granville.
20:42It's me life's work.
20:44Just keep a friendly smile on your face for the customers
20:46and something they're solid and reliable to ever belt the shoplifters with.
20:50Oh, can you pick them up?
20:52I'm past it.
21:08Do you think you've pulled something?
21:11You, I hope.
21:13I wouldn't want to be going through all this for nothing.
21:18Oh.
21:19Oh.
21:21Oh.
21:21Oh.
21:21That government squeeze is beginning to bite in the economy.
21:24.
21:29.
21:39Now what?
21:41Don't forget Mrs. Duckfield's, too...
21:43The brown loaves, engraved on me heart is Mrs. Duckenfield's two brown loaves.
21:59Hey, don't forget to lock up properly tonight.
22:03All right, all right.
22:11And remember what I told you, no crack of credit.
22:14Oh!
22:15Aye, aye, aye, all right.
22:17You won't let me go.
22:18Where are we going?
22:20All right.
22:36Right, then.
22:38We've finally got you away from that damn shop.
22:42Well, where are we heading?
22:45The Dales?
22:46The Lakes?
22:48The Coast?
23:01What are we stopping here for?
23:03Yeah, you wanted hotel, didn't you?
23:06Not here.
23:07Why, what's wrong with here?
23:11It's a very nice class of hotel, this.
23:15I'll tell you what's wrong with here.
23:17A, it's not a very nice class of hotel.
23:20And B, it's only a few hundred yards from your damn shop.
23:23Oh, nonsense.
23:25It must be hundreds of hundreds of yards from the shop.
23:31We don't want a bit of driving all night, do we?
23:34Anyway, supposing the Granville suddenly needs me back there?
23:37I'd go straight back home, only I dare face me mother.
23:40Oh, now, come on.
23:41We'll have a nice meal.
23:43Then later on, if it stays fine,
23:45we might fancy a little late night's stroll round your bedroom.
23:52I'm not going anywhere with a bent old man.
23:56Look at you.
23:58Straighten yourself up.
24:11She's coming.
24:13She's coming.
24:16I've made a breakthrough into adult pastimes.
24:23Farewell, model aircraft.
24:26I may now never finish that battleship.
24:30Oh, well, that's me lost forever to scouting circles.
24:34No more long, lonely walks with me tranny
24:37trying to pretend I'm clued into the music scene.
24:41Me milk woman's coming.
24:45Oh, my God, she's coming.
24:48I mean, what do you say to an ex-married person of wide experience?
24:53I mean, you know, what have we got in common besides a daily pinter?
24:57She may be overflowing with the milk of human kindness,
25:01but suppose I lose me bottle.
25:08That was a lovely meal.
25:11What are you gazing at in the moonlight with your soulful eyes?
25:15Oh, you're just looking for nightingales, my love.
25:19Nightingales?
25:19On a main road in traffic like that?
25:21Well, you never know, sir.
25:23Some of them might be commuting.
25:26It's some other kind of bird.
25:29No, it's not.
25:30Look, I...
25:30Oh, it's your damn shop.
25:31Please.
25:32You're still fretting about that flaming shop.
25:34Well, you can go back to your shop.
25:35I'm going home.
25:36No, no, no.
25:37Don't go home.
25:38I paid for the night.
25:51What are you doing here?
25:53Not quite as well as you're doing here.
25:58I'll be back in a minute.
26:00I've left something boiling over.
26:02I'll bet you are.
26:04It's no good I can't face me mother.
26:06Oh.
26:07Besides, how can I leave you here all crippled and twisted like this?
26:10I know.
26:10I'll sit up with you tonight.
26:12Oh.
26:13And tomorrow morning you're going straight to the doctor's.
26:15Shh.
26:15Shh.
26:17Who's he got in there?
26:18And then the milk woman.
26:19Oh, God.
26:20Is it that time already?
26:25Oh, that's it.
26:27Something to warm her up.
26:28Where is she?
26:30It's all right for you.
26:30You've ruined my evening.
26:32Oh, you're too young.
26:33Where's Nurse Gladys?
26:34She's in the lavvy.
26:36Oh.
26:36Anyway, why is she sitting up all night with you any room?
26:39Because she thinks I'm a useless orca cripple, you see.
26:42Little does she realise the miraculous cure I'm about to undergo
26:45when I produce the magic key to unlock myself from this lower abdominal strangler.
26:50The magic key, that's...
26:55Where did I put that magic key?
26:58Well, I can't find the key.
27:01Granville.
27:02I've lost a key.
27:04Granville.
27:04He, he, he, he, he, he.
27:07Leave me alone.
27:08But you're a nurse.
27:09It wouldn't take five minutes.
27:11All I would need would be a local anaesthetic like you sitting on me chest.
27:16I'm not performing illegal operations on mean old men in the middle of the night.
27:20Wear it and suffer.
27:23Look, I've giggled.
27:25Ooh.
27:26I've got some lovely little hacks all blazed.
27:29They're, they're a new line.
27:30They're just right for removing their money belts.
27:34Don't risk it.
27:36I might be tempted to cut you off without a chilling.
27:41Nosti.
27:44Ooh.
27:46Ooh, that's better.
27:48Ooh.
27:49Ooh.
27:50Now then.
27:50If I could just slip this back in here without anybody...
27:56No.
27:58No.
27:58Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
27:59Look at that.
28:01It's as good as new.
28:03Which is more than can be said for my anatomy.
28:10I've set myself back a few weeks for Gladys.
28:14Failed to explore an inviting new commodity, as they say in the grocery trade.
28:21Still, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
28:25I caught our Granville just in time before he committed himself irrevocably to Northern Dairies.
28:33I can't help worrying about that lad.
28:36He don't like to think of anybody that age ruining his life by having more fun than you.