- 2 hours ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:08MUSIC
00:13BELL RINGS
00:29It's not often you're going to get extras like that on a Morrishman miner.
00:39Come on, William.
00:40Fetch your gloves.
00:46Fetch my gloves.
00:51Fetch my gloves.
01:00Fetch my gloves.
01:03Fetch my gloves.
01:17Morning, Granville. Morning.
01:21Thank you, Granville.
01:23I'll put them straight in a bottle.
01:46That was really great, Granville.
01:48I'd never been kissed on the elbow before.
01:50I wouldn't keep still. It were dark.
01:53I'm much better when I've woken up.
01:54Can you come back when I've woken up?
01:56I think you really need a steady girlfriend, Granville.
02:00Oh, no.
02:01I'm more like your footloose, love them and leave them type me.
02:08On the other hand,
02:09if you know someone who you think could learn to like her elbows being kissed...
02:25I feel better, does that?
02:36I wish you'd close that.
02:38An extra space like that could double the rates.
02:41Is that paper man in sight yet?
02:44No, that paper man isn't in sight yet.
02:48What would a paper man be doing out in the middle of the night?
02:51All right, but don't get your milk bottles in a twist.
02:54You'll be turning that sour, you know.
02:56Yeah, I think I already have.
02:58While everyone else is out enjoying their young manhood,
03:00I'm stuck here making emotional yoghurt.
03:06Well, if you're going to have a little tantrum,
03:08you can accompany yourself on the feather duster.
03:10Right.
03:10There you are.
03:14Well, you don't.
03:15Just stand there.
03:17Get flicking.
03:17Yeah, flicking what?
03:18Get flicking on with it.
03:22You know, I've never known that...
03:24These bottles are very warm, Granville.
03:27I've noticed this in you.
03:28You have a tendency to overheat your baby bottles.
03:33I should have to think what that means in her Freudian terms.
03:36I think she likes me, the milk woman.
03:38Oh, really?
03:38What, just casual or enough to give us a discount?
03:41You've got no soul.
03:42All you ever think about is money.
03:44Eh?
03:44You watch your mouth.
03:46I didn't bring you up to be discourteous about the money.
03:49What about passion and adventure?
03:52Oh, look at her.
03:53You've got to learn to pace yourself in life, Granville.
03:58You're no good to anyone overextended, are you?
04:01You've got to detect things as they come.
04:03Your mother knew how.
04:05She used to detect anything that come.
04:07One day all this will be yours, Granville.
04:10No, no, it won't.
04:11Not if you can find a way to take it with you.
04:13We'll have to bury you and this lot in a great big container.
04:17You'll never be satisfied with a coffin.
04:20You wouldn't let us fasten the lid down for a start.
04:23You know, it'll be the first time you've ever been closed in daylight.
04:29You're bearing up very well for an errand boy in pain.
04:33I'm not in pain.
04:36You see how much sooner we of the older generation have noticed that sort of thing.
04:41Almost a telepathic we are.
04:43Mind you, still in our prime, I might add.
04:46Still for fully functional.
04:48If only I could persuade a certain state-registered person, it's her time to start me motor.
04:54Gee, fritters her life away.
04:57God bless her for feeding her ageing mother.
05:00Why don't you find her a good home, I say, in the country?
05:03There must be some country that'll take her.
05:06Shut her my foot.
05:08Oh, you've noticed, Granville, very good.
05:10It gives me confidence I'm doing right in making you deputy manager.
05:13Yeah.
05:14Deputy manager with one foot.
05:16Oh, you don't know.
05:17You're born.
05:18In my young day, errand boys were employed specifically for the purposes of being there to trod on.
05:26We've had a bad day, we used to say.
05:28Let's go and tread on an errand boy.
05:31And do you think it did them any harm?
05:33No, of course not.
05:35Kept them healthy like getting them up early in the morning.
05:37The place was full of healthy cripples.
05:40You think you get up early, do you?
05:42Let me tell you, in my young day, they sometimes had got us up before we went to bed.
05:48Get out.
05:50You don't think that paper man could be late, do you?
05:53Because there's a crisis in the street.
05:55Ambulance, maybe.
05:57Rushing to take the aged relative of my beloved off to intensive eating somewhere.
06:03No, I expect the twit's just parked up there checking his bingo numbers.
06:07What's so important about the paper this morning?
06:09I can't hear that feather duster going, Grunville.
06:16That's more like it.
06:18Nothing so soothes a shopkeeper as the sound of a well-aimed feather flicking round his comestibles.
06:26There must be more to life than this.
06:29Oh, where did I go wrong, eh?
06:32I mean, you know, I could have been anything, couldn't I, eh?
06:35I could have been a...
06:36I could have been a captain in the Paris.
06:38Or a one-parent family.
06:41Could have been...
06:42Could have been an astronaut.
06:47Could have been a gastronaut, I'm so hungry.
06:50Hey, Hop, he's here.
06:52What time do you call this?
06:58What are you looking for?
07:01Happiness, Grunville.
07:03Oh, can we afford it?
07:04It costs more than a quid if he's sending it back.
07:06No, no.
07:07For those with the necessary skills and ingenuity, it can come fairly cheaply.
07:13Here it is, look.
07:13There it is.
07:14My, my, my master's stroke.
07:16Listen to this here.
07:17A wanted living housekeeper.
07:21Good home in exchange for the light duties.
07:24Apply in person to arkwrights at superstores.
07:28A woman coming to live here.
07:30What is Nurse Gladys going to say?
07:32Exactly.
07:32There you have her put your finger on it.
07:35Which is more than I've been able to do lately.
07:38I'll tell you what Nurse Gladys is going to say.
07:41She's going to say, hey, Hop, I better marry him quick.
07:43He's getting a bit restless.
07:45And thus, with one master stroke, I have brought my years of frustration to an end.
07:52And we all know which end, don't we?
07:57Well, there's no sugar in them.
07:59Eh?
08:00Oh.
08:03Hey!
08:11Yeah!
08:16There we are, my dear.
08:18Call again when you've saved up.
08:20You don't get much for your money these days.
08:22No, but then you never did, you see.
08:24It's just that the much you didn't get then was much mucher than the much you don't get so much
08:28of now.
08:30I know, I can't understand it either.
08:33Hey, Nurse Gladys is going to kill you.
08:36She probably knows how to do it without leaving a trace.
08:40Nurse Gladys will be overcome with remorse for not having snatched me up in the first place.
08:46What are you going to do with a live-in housekeeper, anyway?
08:48I'm not sure that's a proper question for an errand boy.
08:52Oh, which bedroom is she going to have?
08:53She's not having mine.
08:55You need it.
08:58Entertaining.
08:59Entertaining? Since when did you do any entertaining?
09:02I may be starting.
09:04Don't take me for granted.
09:06I'm on the verge of a much richer social life.
09:09Oh, I see. That's your game, is it?
09:10Listen, I'm having no errand boys on the verge while the management's going short.
09:15That is going to be my bachelor pad.
09:18I'm going to redecorate it.
09:19I'm going to put in some subdued lighting to set off me model aircraft.
09:24Oh, dear. I'll subdue your lighting if you're not careful if you start that.
09:29Your mother was just the same, you know.
09:30I've never known anyone like her for saving electricity.
09:34So I shall have a few of my set dropping in for drinks.
09:38They'll be known as the cocktail set.
09:40They'll say, hey, that Granville, he really knows how to shake a mean Joan Collins.
09:48Tom Collins.
09:49I shake who you like and I shake who I like.
09:53That housekeeper is not having my bachelor pad.
09:57Look, Granville, I wish you'd just relax and stop being so Hungarian about everything.
10:02No one's going to take away your bachelor pad.
10:05Where else will I store all them lavatory cleaners?
10:09Hey, that's another thing. I want them out.
10:12They'd have enough clash with me Aubrey Beardsley print.
10:15Very suitable from what I saw of it.
10:17Hey, that reminds me, look, if you're the shopkeeper, she's the housekeeper.
10:21What am I going to keep?
10:22Your mouth shut.
10:24We're not going to have a living housekeeper.
10:27Well, what did you advertise for?
10:28It's just a shopkeeper's ploy.
10:30It's just that I want to put a little bit of pep-oh-pah-pep-peep into my love life.
10:37All right, you're a conniving old man, aren't you, eh?
10:42No, you are, you're devious. You're always up to crafty little tricks.
10:47Thank you, Granville. It's very nice of you to say so.
10:49Oh, I don't know. What am I doing here?
10:52I live here with this wicked old uncle who's got no scruples.
10:56I'm exposed to very little in the way of higher cultural influence.
11:01I mean, we never talk about the aspects of the modern novel or Chinese architecture.
11:08Now, come on, be honest. When was the last time that we had a chat about Chinese architecture?
11:12When they built that to take away in Gladstone Street one day.
11:17I would like to collect delicate porcelain figures.
11:23Oh, I'd like to give porcelain for Christmas.
11:28You know that Granville? He always gives porcelain for Christmas.
11:34I'd like to advise some of the most beautiful women in the world on how to improve their collections.
11:41We're getting low on tins of scrumptious again.
11:44You're a dreamer, you are, porcelain. The nearest you ever come to porcelain is the lavatory seat.
11:51Your mother was a dreamer and all. At least I think she was. She used to lie down a lot.
11:57What my father did.
11:59He did quite enough.
12:01Sometimes I feel as though I might, I might be Hungarian.
12:04You're a Bermuda pest, I'll tell you that.
12:06At least us Hungarians, we know how to sweep our women off their feet.
12:10We don't have to advertise for living, housekeeping.
12:13Hey, hey, there's a point. Supposing some poor woman applies for the job?
12:18What on the wages I pay?
12:20That's true, that's true.
12:22Hey, hey, look.
12:24Oh, wo ho, wo ho!
12:34Grab this!
12:36Grab this!
12:42Lookit!
12:53She's coming, she's coming.
12:54Is she going to kill you?
12:57She's going to whip Miss her smartly into wedlock.
12:59You watch.
13:01Good morning, my bear beloved.
13:04I'm not your bear beloved.
13:06No, I know, and you never will be if we don't get on with it.
13:09I know what you're doing.
13:10I'm a doing without, that's what I'm doing.
13:14You've got to drop, Bill, please.
13:16Get your bike and get them orders out, go on.
13:18Oh, I've got cycle fatigue.
13:20Get on with it.
13:22There's no need to shove the poor lad out.
13:24There's nothing I've got to say to you he can't hear.
13:27Oh, good.
13:28Tea.
13:32You get worse.
13:33And what are you doing starting all this gossip?
13:36Oh, you've been keeping abreast of the local news, have you?
13:38And I must say, it's a breast worth keeping.
13:41Get off, you big daft.
13:43You've been reading the newspaper, I see.
13:45What I've been reading is you, like a book, living housekeeper.
13:50Oh, well, you seem superbly qualified from this angle.
13:53When can you start, or have you started?
13:55I know what you're doing.
13:57Yes, I can do it better if you let go of me hand.
14:00You're trying to rush me into marriage.
14:02Rush?
14:02Do you call six years a rush?
14:05It's all a big bluff.
14:06If some woman answered this advert, you'd wet your bacon counter.
14:11You'd gutter pieces in case you found that old tin you keep your money in.
14:18Keep it down.
14:22Keep your voice down about our tin.
14:24That's a whole little nest egg, is that?
14:26Well, it's time it was hatched.
14:28You've been sitting on it long enough.
14:33There's a tad chicken in here.
14:46You see, the place is infested with errand boys.
14:51Don't pull his ear, you'll stretch it.
14:53Oh, that Granville, he's got long ears, you know.
14:56Oh, love.
14:57Hey, don't harbour him in your bosom.
15:00He's unmanageable at body temperature like that.
15:03Get him out of there.
15:03Yeah, Granville, come on.
15:05Granville, come on.
15:06Granville.
15:07Granville.
15:09Come on.
15:09Come on, come on.
15:10Watch this, look.
15:11The bounty hunters.
15:12Come on, look.
15:16You like those, don't you?
15:17Aye, lovely.
15:18Yeah, put your money in the till.
15:21I'd stayed where I was.
15:23More coconuts in there than there is in here.
15:28You shouldn't pull his ear.
15:30Oh, it's traditional to handle errand boys,
15:32if I bite the ears like rabbits.
15:33A species with which they have much in common,
15:36if you give them half a chance.
15:40Oh, I hate this till.
15:41Go on, get on with it.
15:43Won't I bite you?
15:53It's got me.
15:55Look, it's got me.
15:56I knew it was.
15:58What have you said?
15:59Come on.
16:00Have you said this?
16:02Oh.
16:04What do you think?
16:09Oh, can you twist him this way?
16:19Careful, careful.
16:20This'll be a put-pay to your cocktail set.
16:24Oh, just leave me.
16:26Save yourselves.
16:27It never lets go.
16:29I think we'd do better without them trousers.
16:32I've been saying that for years.
16:34Not yours is.
16:36Oh, I see.
16:37Oh, great, this is.
16:39Granville slips nonchalantly out of his trousers.
16:42I had hoped it would be in a more romantic setting.
16:46Oh, dear.
16:47Come on.
16:48What have you got on there?
16:51What?
16:51That's not underwear for working in.
16:53That's underwear for faffing about in.
16:56Can you lift your leg?
16:58I'm lifting.
16:58Mind his leg.
16:59Leave him alone.
17:00It's not your business.
17:01It's time you change this rotten till.
17:04Change that till?
17:05This has done me very well as this till.
17:07Oh, no, it's not satisfied with money.
17:09It wants blood now.
17:14Hey.
17:15However, are you putting your granville into that till?
17:18Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Bickerdike.
17:21He's just putting a little something away for the rainy day.
17:24Cover me up.
17:25Cover me up.
17:26Which part is your up?
17:33Strange how Hungarian he looks from some angles, isn't he?
17:37Reminds me.
17:38There was this man up in Arnold Crescent.
17:40Brummer and wife swapper.
17:42In business for himself.
17:43He used to wear things like that.
17:45You could see them on his clothesline.
17:48I used to think, yes, mister.
17:50I don't care what's leaking.
17:51You'll never be invited under my sink.
17:54Yes, quite right, Mrs. Bickerdike.
17:56You keep your waste disposal to yourself.
17:58Hey, what's he doing advertising for live-in housekeepers?
18:03He'd drop dead if anyone applied.
18:05He's all wind and economy.
18:07But they're bad for your heart, a live-in housekeepers.
18:10There was him up on Finkel Street.
18:12Died very sudden from a live-in housekeeper.
18:15They seem to be much more overstimulating than legal wives.
18:20And I know what you'd die of.
18:23Acute constriction of the wallet.
18:24You might be surprised how quickly I would take to a suitable applicant.
18:30There will be a warm shopkeeper's welcome
18:32waiting for anyone who walks through that door.
18:35BELL RINGS
18:44Except her.
18:46Listen, go on, sir, the lady, the lady, the customer.
18:51Customer?
18:53Is he talking to me?
18:56I'm not a customer.
18:59He's not a customer.
19:02No, I'm not a customer.
19:05I've just come in answer to a...
19:07We're clear, we're clear, we're clear, we're clear, we're clear.
19:08We're shut.
19:09Shut?
19:10Shut, yes.
19:10What's he doing shut?
19:12Don't talk to him.
19:13He doesn't even work here.
19:15We are shut on account of the festival.
19:19Festival?
19:20What festival?
19:21The festival, the Saint, Saint, Sir, Sir, Sir, Cecil's.
19:24We're always shut early on Saint, Sir, Sir, Cecil's.
19:28Who's Sir Cecil's?
19:29No, not Sir, Sir, Sir Cecil.
19:31Just Sir, Sir, Sir, Sir Cecil's.
19:34News to me.
19:36What do people do on Saint Cecil's?
19:38They are shut early.
19:41It's one of the biggest shut early-ing festivals in the whole of York.
19:46Which one of you fellas is Arkwright?
19:50Well, it's not me.
19:52I'm his live-out lady friend.
19:54Oh.
19:54Well, will you tell him I called in answer to a request from me friend, Mrs Dowdall,
20:00who is housebound on account of a terrible knee.
20:03Will you tell him Mrs Dowdall only requires two small browns tomorrow, not three?
20:10You're all right.
20:11Don't worry.
20:11I'll tell him, love.
20:12No, thank you very much.
20:14Oh.
20:15Sorry.
20:18But there's more staff than customers in this shop.
20:26Take one of your green tablets.
20:28I think you've developed a fever.
20:30Fever?
20:31I should think I have developed a fever.
20:33That's a small brown loaf we're down tomorrow.
20:41Did you see his hand?
20:42In any crisis, it goes straight to his wallet.
20:45I wish somebody would apply.
20:47I'd love to see him when he gets into a stay.
20:50It's, uh, we're ke-ke-ke, we're ke-ke-ke, we're ke-ke-ke, we're ke-ke-ke, we're ke
20:54-ke-ke.
20:54Shut up.
20:59Hey, oh, it's the Black Widow.
21:02Well, she'd put the fear of God into him, wouldn't she?
21:05She'd put the fear of God into God.
21:08Hey, do you reckon we could persuade her to pretend to apply for the job?
21:12You know, just for a laugh, eh?
21:14The Black Widow?
21:15Aye.
21:15To get a laugh out of her, she'd need surgery.
21:19Do you think she knows how?
21:25Good day to you, Mrs Featherstone.
21:27Is it?
21:28Maybe it is if you're young and daft.
21:31Life's not so funny for mature persons of a sober disposition.
21:35What wrong, dear?
21:38All the more reason for us to have a little joke when we get the opportunity.
21:42Listen, I will...
21:44Must you breathe in my ear?
21:46I'm not sure it's seemly, young men, breathing in your ear.
21:49And I hope we'll have no joking when I'm living here.
21:53I'll thank you not to go breathing in me ear when I'm your live-in housekeeper.
21:59Can you repeat that slowly, please, Mrs Featherstone?
22:03You're going to apply.
22:05Oh, can you think of anyone better qualified to lighten the burden of a prosperous businessman?
22:10I've always admired the strength of his grip on money.
22:14He needs someone by his side.
22:15A person of the same sober financial disposition.
22:25A black widow in his lap.
22:28He's in for a shock.
22:30Interesting.
22:31Are you coming in to see the fun?
22:33Don't be too anxious.
22:36Give her a moment to break it to him, gently.
22:45I'll take the orders out.
23:00Go, Granville, who will watch the shop.
23:09I'll call again when it's more convenient.
23:17The black widow.
23:19I've unleashed him a monster.
23:22I knew it was a bad omen when you caught your trousers in the till.
23:26Although I thought that's a bit near the knuckle.
23:28Oh, near enough for me, too.
23:31I've never been able to read tea leaves,
23:33but Erin Boy's trousers I can decipher in a flash.
23:36Sometimes he may even before they flash.
23:49I've never been able to see the day when I was frightened to answer my own bell.
24:00Mrs. Featherstone would like a word.
24:03Relax, relax.
24:04Relax.
24:06It's all for your fella.
24:09You?
24:12Who's come to apply for a job as a live-in housekeeper.
24:17No, it's just an ordinary customer, of course.
24:26Supposing she comes in while I'm serving.
24:28You go, go on.
24:28Good morning.
24:29Can I hang out?
24:32No, no, no.
24:33I've got to get out there and sell.
24:34I can't just faff about in here.
24:36I haven't got the underwear for it.
24:39Oh, no, sir.
24:40What a little upright bargain.
24:42Can I get you?
24:42I'll just go get my assistant.
24:44Come on.
24:45Come on, please.
24:45Come on, please.
24:49Good morning.
24:50Can I...
24:57He's gone.
24:58Oh, you let him get away now.
25:00Me?
25:01Kurt, why is he always my fault, eh?
25:03Oh, I hate losing the fully-grown customers.
25:06Little ones are different.
25:07You don't mind throwing a few of them back there for later?
25:11Oh, dear.
25:12Oh, no, don't start going to pieces.
25:15All you've got to do is to put the woman off.
25:17I don't want her to live here any more than you do.
25:20Who wants a live-in zombie?
25:22What I want to know is,
25:24how come when she died, they buried her husband?
25:28Look, never mind that.
25:30How am I going to put her off?
25:31I wish her'd tell me that
25:32instead of her poking your trousers in the till.
25:34It's simple, it's simple.
25:37She's only attracted to you
25:39because she thinks you're a money-grabber
25:41and a miserly old skin-flint.
25:43I don't know where she got that idea from.
25:47All you've got to do is make her think
25:49that you're a reckless big spender.
25:52A big suspender?
25:53No, no, no.
25:55Try and take your mind off Nurse Gladys' underwear
25:57for a minute, will you?
25:58Look, if she thinks you're a spender,
26:00you know, a big spender,
26:01she'll disappear over the horizon.
26:03How can I do that?
26:04She's the customer, not me.
26:06I'm supposed to take the money
26:07and give it a good home.
26:09Look, you've been threatening
26:10to redo the shop front for years, right?
26:13Listen, let her see you getting that done.
26:16That'll frighten her off,
26:17but you're going to have to be...
26:19reckless.
26:21Reckless?
26:22No, utterly.
26:23Utterly handy, reckless.
26:25Oh, Granville, I'm just glad
26:27your poor mother isn't here
26:29to hear you using all this foul language.
26:32How to think about it.
26:33Look, it's no good...
26:34No, no, no, no, no.
26:35Please, not another rude word.
26:59Oh, er...
27:01They say he authorised massive changes
27:03to his shop front.
27:05I didn't think he was the type.
27:08Forget to his age,
27:10forget the urge to do things
27:11with their old fronts.
27:14I'd have this out.
27:16I'd have that out.
27:19A full new exterior.
27:21A whole expanse of glass.
27:24You must go for glass.
27:34What's the matter with your uncle?
27:35Oh, he's all right.
27:37He gets a sort of sympathetic pregnancy
27:39every time large bills start coming due.
27:46How much?
27:58You've got to be looking at that.
28:08Well, I'll tell you
28:09what I'm going to do with you.
28:11I'm going to go for part of the scheme.
28:15You won't regret it.
28:16We can transform this place.
28:18It'll be like a fairy tale.
28:19Which part of the scheme
28:21were you interested in?
28:21Well, I'm going to go for a whole new...
28:24Oh, the doorknob.
28:30And the knobs to the lot of you.
28:39It's been a funny day.
28:42I wish our Granville
28:43hadn't got so much loose trouser.
28:46Enough room in there
28:47for a living housekeeper.
28:50Fancy getting them caught in the till.
28:54Still, better Granville's trousers
28:56than Mrs. Featherstone's hand.
28:58Not to mention her trousers.
29:02God preserve me
29:03from ever having to mention
29:04her unmentionables.
29:07One thing is certain,
29:08she'll never get her knicker legs
29:10over my washing line.
29:11applause