- 2 hours ago
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00:00.
00:09.
00:09.
00:30Happy birthday.
00:38Granville, what are you doing?
00:41Writing rash statements like that all over me front.
00:45Why not? It's your birthday, isn't it?
00:47It's not that. It's the two-pea-off carrots I'm worried about.
00:51Right, it's birthday in bonanza indeed.
00:54What do you think this is?
00:55A giveaway game show?
00:57Ladies and gentlemen, the prize is wrong.
01:00Granville, come on down.
01:34What are you doing to yourself?
01:36If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a badly-wrapped errand boy.
01:41It's the milk woman.
01:42She thinks I'm inexperienced in the ways of the flesh.
01:45Oh, she's probably seen you slicing bacon.
01:48Yeah.
01:49She thinks I've just staggered home from a wild all-night party, you know, covered in lipstick.
01:53But where are you going to get a kiss this time of the morning?
01:56I never get a kiss this time of the morning, and I'm engaged.
01:59Oh, I've got me rubber lip stamp.
02:01Haven't I, heck?
02:10Yeah, they're big, Jesse, you.
02:12Yes.
02:13You know.
02:23Morning, Granville.
02:24Hi, kid.
02:27Kid?
02:28Changing our whole personality, aren't we?
02:30Oh, guess I haven't switched off from last night's swinging scene.
02:34Swinging scene, was it?
02:36Oh, well, you know, a few chicks, the odd flagon of vino.
02:40Oh, sorry.
02:44Not only are Butterfingers, but covered in lipstick, too.
02:47Huh?
02:48Oh, damn, I thought I'd wiped it all away.
02:52Hey, how would you like to add some lips to this collection?
02:56Hmm?
02:57Why not?
02:59I'm game if you are.
03:08There you go.
03:15Here's looking at you, kid.
03:24Hey, Rubber Lips, come on inside before you can curdle that milk.
03:33There we go, then.
03:34There's a syrup.
03:36And a quarter of a mixed sweet.
03:38Thank you very much.
03:44Just like that.
03:46You're going to leave them lying in me hand?
03:49Well, if you want more active sweets, you'll have to jiggle them a bit.
03:54Are you going to wrap them up?
03:56Wrap them up?
03:56They are wrapped up.
04:00Individually, the wrapped up?
04:01Are you going to put them in a bag?
04:03Look, am I overlooking something here?
04:05I mean, we're not related or anything, are we?
04:07I mean, is there any family reason why you should expect this special treatment?
04:13A little bag?
04:14Putting your sweets in a bag?
04:16You call that special treatment?
04:18Well, I suppose it all depends what sort of a pampered background you're from.
04:23Pampered?
04:24I can't help wondering what your mum and missus must make of all these unreasonable demands.
04:28You must be her hell to live with.
04:32Still, in my book, the customer is always right.
04:35You shall have your little bag.
04:37Thank you very much.
04:38That'll be another tattoo fee, please.
04:41I've heard about you.
04:43Don't go in that shop that said there's a great brute in there.
04:47It'll have your arm off.
04:49I thought they meant a flaming Alsatian.
04:53We haven't got the money to keep her dogs in here, Cyril.
04:57My assistant will bark on demand.
05:00There you are.
05:00There's one coming up now, look.
05:03It's a dog's life in here, I can tell you that.
05:06No, listen, never mind that, Fido.
05:07Come back here.
05:08And then explain to this gentleman our policy on the little bags, will you?
05:12Certainly.
05:13He won't let me go out with any.
05:19You must excuse him, he's not quite awake yet.
05:21You know what it is where young people, they tend to doze off, don't they?
05:25Round about 14, they wake up in the late 30s.
05:28Are you going to wrap these up?
05:30Yeah, you're not interested in paying philosophy at all, are you?
05:33Why don't you, sir, stick them in your pocket?
05:35I don't want this lot rolling round me pocket.
05:38Well, they're only, sir, sweets.
05:39They're not explosive devices.
05:41Pick and mix, it says there.
05:44With pick and mix, you always get a paper bag free.
05:47Look, he comes in here groggy with sleep.
05:50Who's groggy with sleep?
05:52You are.
05:52I think it shows a great spirit worrying about a little item like a paper bag
05:57when you've got eyes as a bloodshot as yours.
06:00And don't tell me they're always like that, Cyril.
06:02Like what?
06:03Have you seen your eyes this morning?
06:05Here, look here.
06:06There you are, look.
06:08Look like this, a stewed rhubarb.
06:14You're rude to people, you.
06:16It's one of the few pleasures left for the undeserving poor, Granville.
06:24There we are.
06:30Thank you, Sir Cyril.
06:31Well, no, no, no, I've taken 49p for the mirror, thank you.
06:38You what?
06:40That's outrageous.
06:41Look, is it my fault you were too late for the January sales?
06:45They were queuing all night, you know.
06:50How do you get away with being so rude to people, eh?
06:53Oh, it's an acquired skill.
06:55Plus, I do study the experts, post office counter staff.
07:01Anyone in local government with his knees under a desk.
07:04I think you're just a natural.
07:06Well, that's a very nice of you to say so, Granville.
07:09Well, especially on my birthday.
07:12Hey, that's a very nice table you're laying up there.
07:15Why don't you go and get one of those chocolate whipped gateaus from out there?
07:18We've got some out there that have passed their sell-by date.
07:22I want Nurse Gladys to think we're laying out of a fair bit of money on this, do.
07:27So all you ever talk about is money, ain't it, eh?
07:30Well, what else is there to talk about?
07:32Don't you ever lie awake at night worrying about your overheads?
07:36Overheads?
07:37I've seen so little of life, I don't even have any underheads.
07:41Your mother had the same reckless impetuous streak, you know.
07:45Mind you, she didn't have him long.
07:47His missus found out.
07:49Are you being rude about my mother again?
07:51No, of course I'm not.
07:52I'm very fond of her.
07:54Always was.
07:55Even when she came out in that dreadful big lump.
07:59Oh, that was awful, wasn't it?
08:01It turned out to be you.
08:05I remember the day you were born, you know.
08:08Funny little screwed up thing you were.
08:11You still are.
08:13Yeah, and we know who's screwing me up, don't we, eh?
08:15Hey, listen, don't start.
08:16Nurse Gladys will be over in a minute for us tea.
08:19Hey, that's nice.
08:21Look at that.
08:21Looks lovely, doesn't it?
08:22You'd never know that was a past its day, would you?
08:24Hey, get some of them crackers down off the top there.
08:28Make it all look very festive, eh?
08:30Crackers?
08:31It's not Christmas.
08:32You're filling the table up with old stock.
08:34Well, what's wrong with old stock?
08:36I feel a bit old stock myself at 57.
08:4058.
08:40Yes, I know, I know.
08:42Go on, get them crackers down.
08:43What does it matter what the time of year it is?
08:46The crackers will still go bang.
08:48The paper hats still won't fit, just like they don't fit at Christmas time.
08:53You're what?
08:54You're crackers.
08:58It's all right, all right.
08:58I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
09:06Oh, it's you, Granville.
09:09Yes, entirely me, Mrs. Featherstone.
09:11I was hoping it might be you.
09:13He usually serves me himself.
09:15Oh, him?
09:16Well, he's rude and mercenary.
09:18He is, isn't he?
09:19You've got to admire him for it.
09:22Do you know where you are with people of his generation?
09:26I prefer to place myself in the hands of the more mature person.
09:31Well, I hope to be a more mature person one day, Mrs. Featherstone.
09:34In the meantime, you will have my best endeavour.
09:37You hear such scandalous tales about the young.
09:41True.
09:42No, I mean, me too.
09:43I hear such scandalous tales about the young.
09:47I never get involved in any, I just hear about them.
09:49What are the things they get up to nowadays?
09:52Apparently, who?
09:55Before we start, I want to ask you a personal question, Granville.
10:00At last, I'm being treated as a grown-up at last.
10:03I want you to be perfectly frank and honest with me.
10:05Oh, I will, Mrs. Featherstone.
10:07It's not every day that I'm consulted confidentially in personal matters
10:11by attractive widowed ladies, buffeted like myself
10:16on the cold winds of loneliness.
10:18Attractive?
10:19Yeah, well, you're a woman, Mrs. Featherstone.
10:21I find all women attractive.
10:24Mysterious.
10:25Are you going to start making improper advances?
10:28Ready when you are, Mrs. Featherstone.
10:32Somebody your age shouldn't be looking lustfully at somebody my age.
10:36Well, I wouldn't say lustfully.
10:38It's just a young man's growing interest in the machinery of life.
10:43You keep away from my machinery.
10:46The urge, you know, to tinker and experiment.
10:49No, I was exactly the same with McConnell.
10:52No, it just means that I'm ready to move up to the next set.
10:55You know what I mean?
10:55Well, I suggest you start with somebody your own age.
10:58Oh, I have.
10:59There's no one who worked harder at trying to start with someone their own age than me.
11:04Finishing.
11:04Now, that's a different matter entirely.
11:06Well, what would it be?
11:07Will it be a small brown love, Mrs. Featherstone?
11:09Don't I?
11:11Oh, I'm quite breathless.
11:16Now, I want you to tell me, Granthal, and don't lie to me, as a young person...
11:21Yes.
11:22...experienced in all the temptations of the age...
11:25Oh, yes.
11:26...I want you to tell me, honestly...
11:30What?
11:30What is it, Mrs. Featherstone?
11:32When did you last wash your hands?
11:35Well, we're drying them when I came in just now.
11:38Oh, you wouldn't lie to me, would you, Granthal?
11:39Cross my heart, hope to die.
11:42Well, in that case, I'll have a quarter of boiled ham.
11:51Oh, that's all mine, have you?
11:52Hang on, I'll do...
11:53Oh, ow!
11:54Hey, that's mine.
11:56There we are, then, Byron.
11:58That's a bit of butter, lard, and some of that nasty cheap cheese, your Mrs. Featherstone.
12:03She prefers that brand, actually.
12:05Yes, yes, I understand.
12:07In my book, the customer is always rare, the customer is always rare, reluctant to spend money.
12:15And, er, one twin pack...
12:19...dialy dishes.
12:23Have I, er, gone deaf?
12:26All I heard, then, was a breath of fresh air.
12:29What is it?
12:30One twin pack...
12:32...dialy tissue.
12:34Oh, right, okay, by Byron.
12:37One, er, double-barrelled bog roll coming up.
12:40Oh, you're right.
12:42Boy.
12:42You're absolutely right.
12:44He very badly needs a little course of enforced politeness.
12:47Mm.
12:48Though how are we going to achieve it, short of a major organ transplant, I shudder to think.
12:54You've got an idea.
12:57A very wicked idea.
12:59A really evil little idea.
13:12There we are, by Byron.
13:13That's your change of...
13:17That's 40...
13:19That's a...
13:19That's 10p change.
13:21There we go.
13:23Now, then, let's have a look.
13:24See, you've got everything.
13:25Have you got that nasty cheap cheese, your Mrs Has?
13:27Have you got that bit?
13:28I'm sure we got the cheese.
13:30Oh, there it is.
13:31Yes, cowering behind him, a better quality item.
13:36Oh.
13:38Oh?
13:42Aftershave.
13:43I don't suppose you have any.
13:45After, after, aftershave, aftershave, aftershave.
13:48So, we've just started a aftershave, have we?
13:52It's like that, is it, by Byron?
13:54Like what, man?
13:55Oh, don't worry.
13:56I've just seen it all before.
13:58So, you've got a little bit of a female part-time interest on the side, have you, by Byron?
14:03No, of course I have.
14:05Look, relax yours.
14:06A secret is safe with me.
14:08You can rely upon the discretion of your private shopkeeper, no matter what sort of a rotten cheap cheese you
14:14buy.
14:15I have no secrets.
14:17I don't want any secrets.
14:18Look, don't be shy, don't be shy.
14:20Your relationship and my relationship, it's just like a doctor and patient, you know.
14:24When it comes to who's my midnight bicycle was outside who's my back door all night, my lips are sealed.
14:31Mind you, I will say this.
14:32If ever you want to borrow a good pump, try her at number 42.
14:3742.
14:38Did he say number 42?
14:40I'll make a note of that.
14:41That's not my game at all.
14:43I haven't got a bicycle.
14:45It's funny, you know, most of my aftershave goes to the extramarital trade.
14:49That's why I keep it down here on the illicit love shelf, along with the racier deodorants and the toenail
14:56clippers,
14:57the ex-certificate of a bath essence and the softer toilet tissues and, funnily enough,
15:02the combination of a pocket magnifier with a built-in light.
15:06I've spent many a slack afternoon wondering what advantages would accrue to the owner-operator of the pocket magnifier with
15:12a built-in light.
15:14I keep them all down here by the door.
15:17Say what you like about your average, your guilty lover.
15:20He doesn't intend to hang about.
15:22He likes to nip in, grab the first thing he can see and off again.
15:25And perhaps I'll leave it for now.
15:27No, you can't leave this stuff.
15:29It won't be left.
15:29It's called a savage, Byron.
15:31I don't care.
15:32It's very difficult to keep the damn stuff in the bottle, you know.
15:35Look, forget it.
15:36Guaranteed the most purported aid to your love life since the thermal sock.
15:39Look, look, forget it.
15:40Forget I ever asked for it.
15:42I'll deny everything.
15:43I'm a very happily married man.
15:45Oh, very well, very well.
15:46But you know where to come if ever you get lucky enough to require a combination pocket magnifier with a
15:52built-in light.
15:54We've got the bog rolls in all colours, Byron.
16:00Oh, dear.
16:02I don't know what's got into him.
16:05I can tell you what's got into him.
16:07An acute attack of big mouth.
16:10He hasn't got a big mouth.
16:13Not his, yours.
16:14Oh, I see.
16:15But never mind that.
16:17Granville's got something to ask you.
16:19Oh, yeah.
16:22If a big fat woman worked in a sweet shop for five years, what does she weigh?
16:29You've got?
16:30Sweets.
16:33Stop that, you ape-up.
16:36You little bit of industrial spying.
16:38Industrial spying?
16:40You haven't been hob-nobbing with them factory girls again, have you?
16:43Me?
16:44Hob-nob?
16:45Don't think I've even got one.
16:48No, I just heard them talking in the shoe shop.
16:52We're talking about the good shop guide.
16:55The good share shop guide?
16:57No, no, not the good share shop guide.
17:00In fact, it's the co-op.
17:03It's the good shop guide.
17:04It's like the good food guide.
17:05You know, they have all these inspectors wandering about.
17:08And apparently there's an inspector in the area going around all the shops pretending to be an ordinary customer.
17:13Is there?
17:14Yeah.
17:15What's he look like?
17:16Well, nobody knows what he looks like.
17:18They wouldn't, would they?
17:19Yeah.
17:20I mean, could be a she.
17:22She?
17:22Hmm.
17:23Yeah, a she.
17:24You know, the ones that go around molesting men's hands with their bodies.
17:32I know what they are.
17:34Wish I did.
17:37You keep your mind on what we're talking about.
17:39What is all this good shop plop?
17:41I mean, what's it going on?
17:42What are you talking about?
17:43I told you.
17:43It's like the good food guide.
17:45You know, they give you a star rating.
17:47Like one star, two stars, three stars.
17:49Depending upon how good you are.
17:51You get marks for service, quality, and of course, politeness.
17:56Oh, well, we're in with a chance then.
17:59What are you laughing at, both of you?
18:02You'd have to struggle to get in the bad shop guide.
18:05Hey, you watch it, you.
18:06Oh, and that's one star you've lost for a star.
18:10Hey, they look nice, don't they?
18:15Hey, could be the inspector.
18:19Hey, go on.
18:20You go.
18:21You're the owner.
18:22I'm just going to get me face around this cream slice here.
18:25I know, but you're the owner.
18:28Could be worth all the effort.
18:29You know, might double our trade.
18:33Oh, listen.
18:34One of the things they give you top marks for is they like to see how kind you are to
18:38your employees.
18:39You see?
18:40Remember, I'm an employee, all right?
18:41You're having me, or why are you?
18:42No, I'm not.
18:43Honestly, it's two stars for kindness to employees.
18:47You're not going to take advantage of this situation, are you?
18:51How would I?
19:01Good day, sir.
19:03Welcome to her happy heart, right?
19:06Just don't get his blood pressure to eye.
19:09Look, me?
19:10You're a fine one to talk, aren't you?
19:12I don't suppose you keep anything for removing smears from a windscreen.
19:16Oh, yes, we do, sir.
19:18Oh, yes, we do.
19:19It's out the back.
19:21It's called Granville.
19:23Hello?
19:24Come here.
19:24Come on, on-smear this gentleman, would you please?
19:30Kindness to kindness to employees.
19:32Two stars, two stars.
19:34He's a funny little chap.
19:35We're a very happy team here, you know, sir.
19:38Oh, yes.
19:38He spoils me rotten, you know, sir.
19:40He's always saying to me, saying,
19:41Granville, help yourself to as much free ice cream as you please.
19:46No, no, no, sir.
19:47I tell a lie.
19:47I tell a lie.
19:49What he actually says is, he says,
19:52Granville, help yourself to as...
19:54Much fair, fair, free ice cream.
19:57What is that?
20:01He's a funny little wag.
20:02Used to be in the Boy Scouts, you see.
20:04Oh, we do laugh, don't we, eh?
20:06Do you remember yesterday when we laughed when you fell down the stairs?
20:10I didn't fall down the stairs yesterday.
20:12Oh, maybe I'm thinking of tomorrow.
20:17Now, sir, here we are.
20:19Something for the windscreen.
20:20There, you see, I always keep a few requisites for them.
20:24Of a passing motorist.
20:25I make a point of it.
20:26It is not the money.
20:27It's just the public service.
20:29You know what I mean.
20:33That's a nasty copy you've got there, Granville.
20:36Oh, dear.
20:39Oh, stop.
20:45So, you reckon that my windscreen smear man who weren't the inspector, then?
20:50Oh, no, no, no, no, no, he's still to come, I reckon.
20:53Here, hope he doesn't turn up while you're over Nurse Gladys's.
20:57Why are you going over there, anyway?
20:59You've had your birthday tea.
21:01I'm going over here to get me present.
21:03I wonder what it is.
21:07I hope.
21:10Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be.
21:12It wouldn't be.
21:12I mean, if she gave it me as a birthday present, she'd have nothing to give me as a wedding
21:16present.
21:18I've got the vaguest idea about what you are referring to.
21:22Yes, you have.
21:23You know exactly what I'm referring to.
21:26Her marble clock.
21:28I've always admired her, my marble clock.
21:31I'm sure it's mutual.
21:33It has a wonderful French movement.
21:35Oh, really?
21:36How's it go?
21:37No, no.
21:38Don't be duft.
21:40All the clocks have movements.
21:42Mine doesn't.
21:43It's positively inert.
21:45What's digital?
21:47Is it any wonder?
21:48Look at the time.
21:48Quarter to nine at night, and I'm held here prisoner in the clutches of my wicked uncle.
21:53Your uncle is going to be wicked across the road.
21:55To get clutching something else entirely.
21:58And I'm Aladdin.
22:00You?
22:01I'm Aladdin.
22:02I'm Aladdin here, aren't I?
22:04Unable to get out.
22:06Listen, Aladdin, you stay here and guard this cave of treasures, will you?
22:10And don't go rubbing your lamp while I'm out.
22:15I don't want to come back here and find you've turned into a fairy prince.
22:19There's too many of them round here.
22:22Hey, I'll get that.
22:22No, it could be the inspector.
22:24Where's your overall?
22:26Well, I've left it upstairs when I was chained.
22:29Give me that striped apron off there.
22:31No, no, don't bother.
22:33Oh, good evening, sir.
22:35Very nice evening for the time of weather.
22:38Is there anything I can help you with, or are you just a snoop?
22:41Are you just browsing?
22:43If there's nothing you can see that's on the shelves, my assistant, Granville, will get it for you.
22:49What I mean to say is, if there's something that's not on the shelf, Granville will remove it.
22:55Granville, get out here and straighten the bananas.
23:09That's a very nasty tickle you've got there, Granville.
23:12You'd better help yourself to something for your throat.
23:14We don't want our valuable employees coughing all over the comestibles, do we?
23:18No, no, no, I'll have an ice cream.
23:20That's good for the throat.
23:22I had one earlier on.
23:23Well, I had half a one.
23:25It freezes the epiglottis.
23:28We must try that on other parts of you later on.
23:33There's no need to damage the bread, sir.
23:36It's all fresh as a daisy.
23:38It's as soft as a baby's burr bottom lip.
23:41You'll find no foreign substances at Arkwright, sir.
23:45If it's mousetroppings you're looking for, there's a much better stockist in the main street.
23:51Pardon?
23:52It said, have you got anything for laryngitis?
23:56Oh, I thought it sounded a bit nasty.
23:58Yes, I've got the very thing here, sir.
24:00This is wonderful stuff here.
24:02I use this myself.
24:04There we are, Granville.
24:05Oh, I swear by that stuff, sir.
24:07As soon as I get my voice back.
24:10Hmm?
24:12Is there any of that savage aftershave?
24:15Oh, yes.
24:16Well, isn't that funny?
24:16That's a coincidence.
24:17You're the second gentleman to ask for that today, sir.
24:20It's on the second shelf, Granville.
24:22Keep it dark.
24:27Oh, he said, do you know anything about the lady that lives at number 42?
24:32Oh, well, it's all falling into place now, sir.
24:35So you're investigating her as well, are you?
24:38Well, I suppose she would come on to the heading for a retailer, yes.
24:42He certainly doesn't give it away.
24:46She said, have you any personal experience of the lady?
24:49Well, put it this way, I've been supplying her with fresh vegetables every Tuesday afternoon for the past 18 months,
24:56and I've not seen a penny.
24:57Mind you, I've seen a good deal of everything else.
25:01Well, that's what you've been getting to every Tuesday afternoon, is it, eh?
25:04Now, you keep the quiet about this, Granville, my lad.
25:07If Nurse Gladys found that out, she'd spare Spifflicate me.
25:11She's...
25:14She's...
25:16You...
25:17You...
25:18You put her up for this, Granville.
25:20Oh, no, no, no.
25:22What the...
25:23It was me.
25:25I just wanted to hear you being polite to someone for a change.
25:29Well, I'm always polite to you, my love.
25:32A customer.
25:33I'm not a customer.
25:34You could be if you ever played your cards right, you know.
25:37Look, all I'm short of is a dozen eggs, and the way your hands are shaking, you'd probably drop them.
25:43Oh, I wish you'd had to drop them.
25:46I beg your pardon.
25:47What do you mean?
25:48Those are flimsy little things that come between me and her happiness.
25:52Oh, scruples, you mean.
25:54That's a new way of calling them, isn't it, scruples?
25:58Oh, I can't come out tonight, I've got to rinse through a few pairs of scruples.
26:02Are you coming over or not, your champagne will be getting cold.
26:05Oh, hey, well, what about my present?
26:09I'm your present.
26:10Oh, OK, can I unwrap you now, then, please?
26:13No, I'll do the unwrapping, thank you.
26:15You keep your hands to yourself.
26:16Hey, I've got a mack like that.
26:19You've got a hat like this and all.
26:21These are mine, aren't they?
26:23You have had me going, haven't you?
26:25You really have.
26:26I really thought it was him.
26:27Him?
26:28Him who?
26:29Well, him from the multi-collager shop guide.
26:31There's no such person.
26:38You what?
26:39Granville and I made him up just to get you going.
26:43Granville, I'll let it deal with you later.
26:46Now, you know what you want, don't you?
26:48You want a good walloping, that's what you want.
26:50Oh, and who's going to give it to me?
26:52I, I, I am.
26:54Oh, three of you.
26:57It's just one question.
26:58Oh?
26:58With or without scruples.
27:00Right.
27:01Oh, yeah.
27:02I'll get you.
27:04I'll get you.
27:17I'll get you.
27:19Well, you're just doing a bit of stock-taking.
27:24Do my eyes deceive me?
27:27No, it's all very real as far as I can ascertain.
27:30I'll never be able to look Nurse Gladys in the face again.
27:34Well, not from this angle, certainly.
27:42I'll give him a good shot, guide.
27:45I'll give him two stars where he'll do most good.
27:50So they think I'm too rude to the customers.
27:54I'll have to watch it.
27:57I wouldn't have said I was a rude man.
28:00Except at Granville, and that's what Hungarian errand boys are for.
28:04Oh, as for Gladys Emanuel, I'd never be rude to her.
28:11I'd be rude with her.
28:16Maybe next week.