- 1 hour ago
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00:22I want a word with you.
00:25There's three words for a start.
00:28That girl of Grimshaw's.
00:30Oh, Big Edna, hi.
00:32Have you been in there knocking, knocking?
00:35I beg your pardon?
00:36I've only admired her from a distance.
00:39Have you been in there knocking coppers off a weekly order?
00:42I'm finished.
00:44Well, you do it for Mrs. Featherstone.
00:47Not without sticking them back somewhere else.
01:24There you are, Granville.
01:25Hi. Are you still doing Open University?
01:28Yes.
01:29Oh, maybe I could come round one night
01:31and we could talk about contemporary themes in literature
01:34and you could wear that short dress.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:46I don't think you're ready yet, Granville,
01:48for that short dress.
01:58How can she tell?
02:00How can she tell?
02:03Hey, will you bring that milk in before you can curdle it?
02:08LAUGHTER
02:16Milk is not made as to stand the temperature
02:19that errand boys operate at.
02:21Erran boy?
02:22Huh.
02:23Erran boy.
02:24I'm a real success story I am, aren't I, eh?
02:28Hey, up there goes Granville.
02:29He's only been working for his uncle since he was ten years old
02:32and already he's an errand boy.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34Well, you wouldn't want me to be the errand boy, would you?
02:37I mean, how would you feel then?
02:39We're working for an errand boy.
02:40I wouldn't mind if I had some decent transport.
02:43Oh, you don't start all that again.
02:46We were only remarking the other day
02:48how well you look on that shop bike.
02:50A shop bike?
02:52It's clapped out.
02:53Oh, that reminds me.
02:54Did we get my Mrs. Blewitch bread order?
02:56Aye.
02:56Cottage loaf and a bloomer.
02:58Yes, she certainly gives that impression.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02Who's this wee that was remarking
03:06how well I looked on the shop bike?
03:07Myself and a certain lady whose taste I admire,
03:11even though at times it is slightly medicinal.
03:13Her taste, I mean.
03:15No, it's a gladness. Who else?
03:17Now, don't put it all on her.
03:19Oh, if only I could.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23The times I've tried to persuade her
03:25to allow me to become a private patient.
03:29You'd think I'd be allowed to baboop her
03:31now we're engaged.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33But she won't have it.
03:35She won't listen.
03:35She's a cuddly but stubborn, bless her.
03:39Oh, does me old heart good
03:41to think of her up there at this very moment.
03:44Alone in that huge bed
03:46with ample room for this small private grulter.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Sleeping the sleep of the only just.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56The only just?
03:58I made a little progress last night
04:00with the aid of some cypress sherry.
04:02She's still sticking to her principles but...
04:04The only just.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:08GERGAR GRANVILLE, did you warm that pot?
04:11No, I warmed that one over there.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:14You always ask me that every mealtime, you say.
04:17GERGAR GRANVILLE, did you warm that pot?
04:20LAUGHTER
04:21I always warm the pot.
04:23Well, there's no need to get all the Vanessa about it.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28Have I got to have bacon again?
04:30Oh, you liked a bit of bacon.
04:32I do like a bit of bacon.
04:35It's just that I wish you wouldn't make me eat the bacon rind.
04:38Very tasty is a bit of a bacon rind.
04:40It's tasty enough.
04:41It takes you 40 minutes to chew it.
04:44Listen, you can't go through life just wasting things.
04:47Unless you're nationalised.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51But what about me teeth?
04:53I'm nearly down for the canvas on me teeth.
04:56Hey, you look after this bacon.
04:59And don't let them rashes get all curled up.
05:01I like them nice and flat.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:07Oh, hello.
05:09A smartly-dressed stranger can come to part with his money.
05:12Not exactly.
05:13Oh, not exactly.
05:14Does that mean he doesn't even count his change?
05:15I was wondering if you could give me directions to Abercorn Street.
05:21Give you?
05:22Give you directions to Abercorn Street?
05:25I can sell you directions to Abercorn Street.
05:28Sell me?
05:29You are not from these parts, I take it?
05:31Ah, just here on business, actually.
05:33Ah, aren't we all, you see?
05:35In that case, you will realise that there are the overheads.
05:38I mean, we have the rates to pay, we have wear and tear, we have the staff to pay.
05:42All these were blazing for 40-watt bulbs.
05:45Then, of course, there's the heating.
05:48Heating?
05:49It doesn't feel terribly warm in here.
05:50Well, it might help a bit if you put the wood in the hole.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54No, you wouldn't feel the heat, you see, because you come from a milder climate, don't you?
05:59What, Luton?
06:00Luton?
06:01Oh, well, there's a subtropical Bedfordshire, you see, yes.
06:04But the locals round these parts, they think this is quite a hot shop.
06:08In fact, most of them just come in to get her done to a turn.
06:12I can imagine.
06:13And in return for this service to a cold customer, a benevolent council allows us struggling shopkeepers
06:18to charge for directions on a per-per-pro-rata basis.
06:22Thirty per-per-pee for first part, or per-per, or per-per-per, or per part thereof.
06:30Ah, and how far is Abercorn Street?
06:32Oh, don't panic, don't panic.
06:34I'll give you all the shortcuts, you'll do it for less than a pound.
06:38Don't worry, don't worry.
06:39Alternatively, you could make a few token purchases,
06:43and then, of course, the service would be absolutely free.
07:04If you wanted them flat, you can have them flat.
07:16There we are, sir, 37p change, thank you.
07:19Did you call again?
07:20I don't think so.
07:21I may never come this way again.
07:26Ships that pass in the night, eh?
07:28I have the feeling I've run aground somewhere.
07:31Well, you can shove yourself off with that.
07:34Oh, come on, don't keep it a secret.
07:36Where is Abercorn Street?
07:38Oh, you're just past it.
07:40He's first on the right, down there.
07:41I thought everybody now knew that.
07:44If I can help possesses all my body
07:48As I pass along
07:51Then my living
07:54Will not be in vain
07:58What's up, Dat paired up?
08:23I've heard a sequel,
08:24I've heard it first on purpose.
08:26I've 한번 Strings
08:26gifted聖
08:32You say it's nice to see a smiling face. Are you keeping, Granville?
08:40Hi, Wendy.
08:43Going my way?
08:45Am I going her way?
08:57Got me. Got me now.
09:04PHONE RINGS
09:05PHONE RINGS
09:10PHONE RINGS
09:13PHONE RINGS
09:19PHONE RINGS
09:25The next bike that opens its mouth is going to get a kick up the sprockets.
09:35PHONE RINGS
09:44PHONE RINGS
09:57Couldn't you go some other way, Granville? Please?
10:02PHONE RINGS
10:13PHONE RINGS
10:14You swine!
10:22PHONE RINGS
10:23PHONE RINGS
10:28PHONE RINGS
10:30PHONE RINGS
10:32It gets as you don't know what to give him for his dinner.
10:35Oh, is he back?
10:36I think so.
10:38He's not sure himself.
10:40Oh.
10:40Well, which one does he like? Does he like that one?
10:44Oh, yeah, he likes that one.
10:46Well, there we are then.
10:48Mind you, he likes that one as well.
10:53PHONE RINGS
10:56PHONE RINGS
10:59PHONE RINGS
11:01PHONE RINGS
11:01If I get it wrong, he yells at me.
11:04Slings it across the kitchen.
11:05Oh, does he? Well, I shall definitely take the beef burgers.
11:08I think you'll find they to travel better.
11:11PHONE RINGS
11:13I've seen them used as frisbees, then.
11:16Oh, great.
11:17Never mind.
11:18Look, Mavis, you just stand there and make your mind up.
11:21I'll go and serve Mrs. Perr, Mrs. Perr, Mrs. Perr, that woman over there.
11:26PHONE RINGS
11:26Stewing steak.
11:27Bless you.
11:28PHONE RINGS
11:29I'll have a look at that one.
11:31That one there?
11:32Hmm.
11:33Is it a good brand?
11:35Well, it's been very well behaved on the shelves.
11:38Of course it's a good brand.
11:40How long do you think I would last if I started selling rubbish round here?
11:44If you want to buy rubbish, you go round to my competitor round the corner.
11:48Well, he's less than you are on several items.
11:50Well, he's only for five foot one. He can afford to be.
11:53PHONE RINGS
11:53He has regular reductions.
11:55I know, and then look what he's done to him. He needs a stepladder to look over his counter.
11:59PHONE RINGS
11:59He's always polite.
12:01Smarmy, you mean. Smarmy.
12:03He's the type that wears brill cream on his teeth.
12:07That is not his own smile, you know.
12:09That's one they can hire from the Grocers' Federation.
12:12I wouldn't mind, but it doesn't even fit him.
12:14If you observe closely, you will find he's wearing the smile of a much larger person.
12:19Oh, I haven't anything against the man personally.
12:22I mean, don't misunderstand me.
12:23Outside office hours, he's probably absolutely repulsive.
12:27PHONE RINGS
12:27But I mean, he's so, so small, he can't be all that repulsive, can he?
12:30Although he does try, doesn't he?
12:32Are you going to buy that tin, or are you going to bring it up to body temperature?
12:35PHONE RINGS
12:36No, I don't think so.
12:38Things are so dear in tins, especially round here.
12:41Well, it's the hair overheads, you see.
12:44I have things especially flown in.
12:46Flown in?
12:46Yes. Look, there's a pigeon mark on that one. Look.
12:50Listen.
12:51Here comes my private jet now.
12:56That is it. Finished. Never again.
12:58How's a young man supposed to feel with that squeaking thing between his legs?
13:06What ever can he mean?
13:09They get easily upset, these other jet pilots.
13:13I think it's the vertical take-off.
13:17That's the first time Granville's ever walked past me without saying something.
13:21Sounded like something to me.
13:24I mean something personal.
13:26Sounded personal enough to me.
13:29Why don't you fix it?
13:30That old shop bike, it's clapped out.
13:33Listen, a drop of oil and a few adjustments, that's all it needs.
13:35Come and attend to these ladies, I'll be fixed your bike for you.
13:38It's more than that old oil can.
13:40Needs Aladdin's lamp.
13:42Listen.
13:43Just attend to these customers, please.
13:45And no hanky-panky-bo-a-widow-twanky.
13:52Hello, Mavis.
13:53Hello, Granville.
13:54Oh, my God.
13:57Are you in a hurry, or shall I serve Mrs Featherstone first?
14:00I don't know whether I'm in a hurry or not.
14:03No, you're not in a hurry.
14:05Oh, aren't I?
14:06No.
14:08What?
14:09What's with you, Mrs Featherstone?
14:11Well, it might be all right for certain articles, but to be blunt with you, Granville,
14:15a woman of my age feels easier discussing her needs with persons of a more mature outlook.
14:23Well, how about a nice piece of boiled ham?
14:25Is it wrapped?
14:28Well, I can soon wrap it for you.
14:30No, thank you, Granville.
14:31It's nothing personal.
14:32It's just I could...
14:33I could never bring myself to buy anything unwrapped from today's liberated young people.
14:39Don't have to worry about me.
14:40I'm still waiting to be liberated.
14:43If the permissive society reached this far, it must have been while I was out on that damn shop bike.
15:10What are you doing to that dog?
15:13Aren't you a bit big for playing with dogs?
15:15I never touched him, old moon of my delight.
15:18Keep your voice down, you great fool.
15:21What I'm really looking for to keep me company at nights is a well-trained, obedient state-registered nurse.
15:29One with a cold nose and a warm...
15:32Sure-up.
15:34Oh, yeah, definitely a warm sure-up.
15:37No household pet should be without a warm sure-up.
15:48Why don't you do something about that bike?
15:51Oh, it's not the bicycle, my love. It's me.
15:53In the interests of humanity, I think you ought to better pop over tonight and have a look at me
15:58squeak.
15:59Don't get yourself excited.
16:02One of these days, you'll be going a funny collar and gasping for breath.
16:06Oh, promises, promises.
16:08Only when you are.
16:17I think being a widow woman suits Mrs. Featherstone.
16:20She seems to have taken to it very easily.
16:22Oh, but why not?
16:23She's been practising that gloomy expression for years.
16:26You know, I get the distinct impression that she likes her husband a lot better now he's dead.
16:31Oh, say what you like, he's less argumentative.
16:35You know, she doesn't seem very unhappy.
16:38At least she knows where he is of an evening.
16:41I don't understand people, can you?
16:44I mean, you get Indian widows throwing themselves on fires when their husbands die.
16:48Oh, well, but be fair to Mrs. Featherstone, Grumble, this is a smokeless zone, isn't it?
16:54You can hardly expect her to go hurling herself onto the top of the night storage-eater.
17:00You can expect her to show a bit of emotion.
17:02Have you tried overcharging her?
17:05Well, I expect someone to show a bit of emotion when I go.
17:08Well, you're only going to Sanderson Street.
17:11I don't mean when I go out on deliveries, do I?
17:14You know, I mean, when...
17:17when I'm dead.
17:19Well, then just make sure you go to Sanderson Street first, will you?
17:22I don't want you turning up there after you're dead.
17:25Unless, of course, it's their first thing in the morning, in which case they won't notice the difference.
17:29I can't imagine that somehow.
17:31Can you?
17:32You know, me being dead.
17:42Ow!
17:45Get on with it, will you?
17:47If there's any that are dying to be done, it's going to be done in your own time.
17:52When I go, I want beautiful women tearing their hair.
17:57I shall leave instructions for a private funeral.
18:01But if the crowd rush it, I want you to let them in anyway.
18:06And every year on the anniversary of my death,
18:09I want a mysterious woman in black
18:12to place upon my grave
18:15a single flower.
18:19A plain or self-raising?
18:24Come on, what's all this talk about the dying?
18:27Well, we've all got to go sometime, haven't we?
18:30You should have gone already to Atkinson to Terrace.
18:32Oh, Lord.
18:33I just thought that Mrs Featherstone might have shown a bit more affection towards her husband.
18:38Listen, she's over the cemetery every Saturday afternoon.
18:42Let's face it, she sees more of him now than she ever did.
18:46If only I'd seen a tear.
18:48Just, you know, a single tear.
18:50Well, she's the old school that keeps her soldiering on, don't they?
18:53Ought to be more to married life than that.
18:55She always looked after him.
18:57He never came home when there wasn't a meal.
18:59What about affection?
19:01Eh?
19:01I mean, you know, a bit of a giggle,
19:04a bit of the old slap and tickle.
19:09Don't worry, there was someone that and all.
19:11Oh, no.
19:12Now, that I don't believe.
19:13Oh, yes, there was.
19:15Twice a week.
19:18From her up at Atkinson Terrace.
19:23Well, dear, don't stand there with your mouth open.
19:26There's a bus coming.
19:28Get into the shop.
19:29Go on.
19:30Eh?
19:32Eh?
19:32Eh?
19:33What number, Atkinson Terrace, eh?
19:35Oh!
19:40Hello, Mrs Whittington.
19:42Oh, is your bread fresh?
19:47Yes.
19:47Like the morning dew, Mrs Whittington.
19:49I see.
19:50Wet and soggy, is it?
19:51Just like yesterday's.
19:53Oh, no, it isn't.
19:54It's lovely and fresh, this bread.
19:55Listen.
19:56That's right.
19:57Go on.
19:58Maul it about.
19:59I'll take one.
20:01Right.
20:02One small, brown, sliced loaf.
20:04But not that one.
20:10One other small, brown, sliced loaf.
20:17And there's any potted meat.
20:19Potted meat.
20:20I've got it in the other room.
20:26Who have you got in this shop?
20:28Oh, Mrs Whittington.
20:29Oh.
20:30Makes your heart bleed for that poor dick she married.
20:35Strange.
20:35Little woman, isn't she?
20:36She reminds me rather of a boil I used to get on the back of me neck.
20:41How do you want to charge for these?
20:43Er, thirty-fif-er, thirty-fif-er, thirty-six pence.
20:48Is there nobody happy round here?
20:49Would you ask me that when I've cast up tonight, please?
20:52I mean, in their personal relationships.
20:54Well, that's Mrs Pryor and her gerbil.
20:59Enough to put you off marriage for life.
21:01Oh, really?
21:02Well, if you're not going to get married, what are you going to do for entertainment then, eh?
21:06Keep getting yourself assigned in by a member.
21:09You'll soon run out of ink, won't you?
21:11Make that thirty-nine.
21:31What did they keep looking at me for?
21:33Are you happy, Mrs Whittington?
21:35With one brown loaf and a quarter of potted meat?
21:37Is that supposed to do it?
21:43No, I mean with life.
21:46With marriage.
21:47You read about these things.
21:50Young men at a certain time of life.
21:53Not so certain.
21:54Never has been certain.
21:55Becoming obsessed by older women.
21:58I wouldn't say obsessed.
22:01I suppose it's because I've got a big bust.
22:05Things are never what they seem, Granville.
22:08Oh, my husband may look all right when it's all trussed up.
22:11But if you was ever there when I let it all loose, lad,
22:15it'd scare you to death.
22:35I owe Mrs Whittington a better laugh.
22:38Sorry.
22:41What have you done?
22:43Have you twisted your knees?
22:45No, not exactly, no.
22:47What's this bike doing in here?
22:49Do you have to leave it in the middle of the floor?
22:51Can't you find another place for it?
22:52I just did.
22:55Believe me, it's better off where it is.
22:57Granville, love, can you check this bike out
22:59before somebody breaks the neck?
23:01Neck?
23:01That's the last thing you've got to worry about.
23:04Here's your neck.
23:05Go on, get it out.
23:07Go on.
23:07Oh, dear.
23:12I don't know.
23:14Pack it in.
23:14Oh, I may have to.
23:19Now, listen, you luscious medical person.
23:23What can we talk about till I get my breath back?
23:26Hey, your squeak's completely gone.
23:28Oh, I was hoping it was only bruised.
23:33Come on, come on, get in there.
23:35Can't you see we three want to be alone?
23:41I'm not sure I want to be alone.
23:43Oh, of course you do, my love.
23:45We must snatch every precious moment we can.
23:48You snatched enough last night.
23:50Oh, you were very amiable, my love, under the influence of the Cypress Sherry.
23:55I've never seen stuff like it for making your buttons come undone.
23:58I don't know.
24:00It's amazing what you're going to find under the National Health, isn't it?
24:04Shall we have another look?
24:06Stop it.
24:07Keep your voice down.
24:08You'll be embarrassing your Granville.
24:10Oh, he's all right.
24:11Granville is at present getting ready for a little trip on the new reconditioned shop bike, aren't you, Granville?
24:17Who is?
24:18No, you're never going to get me on that shop bike ever again.
24:21Oh, all right then, I'll go on myself.
24:23I might even let her take in Atkinson Terrace.
24:26Remember Atkinson Terrace, do you?
24:28Where the late Mr Featherstone used to visit twice a week.
24:33I never knew the late Mr Featherstone used to visit Atkinson Terrace.
24:37Oh, yes, mind you, he was never the late Mr Featherstone there.
24:41What number, Atkinson Terrace?
24:43Atkinson Terrace.
24:44Is that an echo?
24:47Would that be the Atkinson Terrace I'm thinking about?
24:51Well, I must go.
24:53I've got three open wounds and something septic to see to.
24:57Sounds like they're a Labour Party conference.
25:02What about Atkinson Terrace?
25:06Yes, well, my friends and I were wondering just how far one could get on the new reconditioned shop bicycle.
25:15Granville, fetch my hat, would you?
25:17My sceptical friend there and my septic friend here, they decided that you couldn't reach Atkinson Terrace, but I've determined
25:25to prove them wrong.
25:26What, that old bike? Why don't you get him a new one?
25:28Oh, no, it's the hair overheads, you see.
25:31Oh, thank you, Granville.
25:32Why do you want your hat, anyway?
25:33Oh, you can never be seen without a hat in here in Atkinson Terrace.
25:38Er, trousers, possibly.
25:42But just a minute, before anybody else goes, I'd like to know just what it was you were discussing about
25:49Atkinson Terrace.
25:50What number Atkinson Terrace would that be, Mrs Featherstone?
25:54Never you mind what number that might be.
25:56Granville, are you going to come and see this or not?
25:58Aye, well, come in.
26:05What are you doing right up there?
26:09I'm going to start on the level ground.
26:19I'll assure you who can reach Atkinson to Terrace.
26:32See? No squeak.
26:34Your front wheel looks loose.
26:37Rob it!
26:42...
26:46...
26:48Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:26That walk does remind me of Atkinson Terrace.
27:36I'll be all right when I get me wind back.
27:41Where did it hurt? As if I didn't know.
27:44It's the ha, ha, ha, overhead, you know.
27:55What a day.
27:58You can't carry on like that without having your rates reduced.
28:03I must say, Mrs Featherstone looked very striking in black.
28:08I wonder if Nurse Gladys is thinking of going into black underwear
28:12when her mother dies.
28:15I would certainly try to talk her out of it.
28:22Lord, let Mrs Gillespie come in for her bread
28:25and keep our Granville away from Atkinson Terrace.
28:31What number?
28:33I don't know the number.